Divorce during maternity leave

[DesperateMum1990]

Hi mumsnet,
Im desperate for advice please. So my husband cheated during pregnancy and treated me pretty awfully (emotionally abusive). His behaviour whilst I was in hospital giving birth, raised concerns to health professionals and a referral to children's services was made. My husband felt i had bad mouthed him - long story short, 2 weeks later he left the family home. Hes gone no contact with me or the kids since (this was october)

6 weeks after giving birth to my 3rd child (first with him) he starts sending horrible solicitors letters. It crushed my mental health and perinatal wrote a letter asking his solicitor to give me 3 months grace. 3 months to the day, I recieve paperwork for a Child Arrangements Order, Financial Remedy Order and a divorce. Im completely broken.

Im living in the family home, on maternity leave. He pays half the mortgage. Im paying everything else (£2k) on an income of £187 per week. My savings will run out in May so I'll be heading back to work early.

He wants 5050 on the house. If I return to work, the bank says I can raise an additional 55k to buy him out. This leaves me 30-40k short. Working i can save the extra money by July 2027. That's literally living off pennies. Does anyone know if the court will give me time? Im only asking for time as I'm broke because of raising his baby. He only wants baby 1 day a fortnight , rising to 2 nights a fortnight when hes a bit older. He also wants my 5 year old that isnt his. And half the holidays.

Im so broken - any advice or help please. I cant fund a solicitor

Claim cms.
Breastfeeding will keep the bastard at bay a good while.
Sorry you are dealing with this.

Are you claiming CMS? I wouldn’t be letting him
have the baby at all until they’re older, and of course he doesn’t get your other child at all

CMS closed, claiming they couldn't find him. I gave them everything - his address, phone number, email, employers details everything! But reluctantly last month he voluntarily gave the amount cms said into the joint account. It will be due again next week.

He made an application for a Child Arrangment order for my 5 year old! Asking the court for PR. He never did a single school pick up in the 18 months shes been at school. I dont know how they allow things like this - its another way of controlling me

I’m sorry you are married to such a bastard

that being said what is the value of CMS vs paying half the mortgage? He’s not obliged to pay both when he isn’t living in the property?

my ex husband left when my twins were babies - I negotiated and agreed 3 years grace to buy him out on the basis that my mortgage raising capacity was severely damaged by 2 children being in full time childcare - I returned to work full time when they were 20 weeks old. The court was fine with this but crucially my ex accepted it without a fight and I suspect yours won’t be so amenable

he has no rights to your older child assuming he didn’t formally adopt them

@tirednessbecomesme - hes paying £200 CMS. The mortgage is 1500 but hes paying just over £500

You are super mummy going back so early! I only want 12 months to buy him out, im unsure how long the court process will last but he's clear he wants the house on the market now. Its just vengeful no other reason and I hope a Court sees through it

He didn't adopt my daughter - he's doing it to hurt me. Hes had nothing to do with the kids in 5 months AND got both their date of births wrong on the court application

You could easily cut your nose off to spite your face here - if CMS has calculated CMS is due at £200 he could easily turn around and say that’s what he will pay and not a penny more (eg the £500 mortgage) so you do need to tread carefully. My ex duly “lost” his job and pays £0 CMS ….

it could take 12 months or longer for him to force a sale through the courts …..I’d be inclined to sit tight and force his hand knowing each month that passes is closer to July 2027 - the housing market is pretty sluggish in most areas at the moment and it could take several months to find a buyer and a sale go through….

contest the PR to your eldest - his her biological dad on the birth certificate - do they not have any contact? He can’t get PR for a child that isn’t legally his

Im not too bothered relating to the cms/mortgage. When the application was made, he wasnt paying the mortgage half or cms, when they closed i didnt make a big deal.

I want to buy him out. I could buy him out if I werent depleting savings to live. But I will manage it with time.

Is a delayed payment possible? Like I could free him from the mortgage via a transfer of equity and give him 70k is immediately. With the additional 15 to 20k payable at some point next year?

I dread moving house, there's so few houses available and moving any further would make working full time, childminder and 2 school runs per day, impossible

delayed payment is possible yes - I gave ex husband £x cash initially on conclusion of the final consent order with the remainder to follow by x date 3 years in the future at which point he would sign the transfer of equity

initially I tried to do a remortgage for some of the money followed by a further remortgage when the twins started school (this is pre funded hours being brought in for 9 months babies!) but the mortgage company said no. He would need to be fully removed from the deeds via equity transfer. I doubt your soon to be ex would sign the deed of transfer with an outstanding balance to be paid though….

Tale of caution op..
Took me 4 years of hell in court to prevent my exh getting contact with MY dc... 'children of the family' is a big deal in court.. But given your newborn hasn't been alone with him and older dc as a family unit you should find it easier to keep him away. Draw up a time line /usual schedule of who parents your older dc.. That way if he claims he did x y and z you have a document to call upon..

@tirednessbecomesme

I wonder if you only got an order of that nature because he agreed? Surely if he doesn't sign the transfer of equity at the point of agreement, he wouldnt be able to buy a new property?

@Easterbunnygettingawrapping - he never did parent her, he actually agreed with his sons school (from his first marriage) to have time with his son without her, as his son was jealous of her. I also have messages of the day after I gave birth, him asking what time she starts school as he didnt know. He only lived with us 14 months! She doesnt call him dad.

@DesperateMum1990yes a lot hinged on my ex being agreeable - he was In my opinion very shamed by what he’d done so I got the divorce wrapped U.K. as quick as possible before he changed his mind. He’s said as much now that he should have/would have never agreed to the deal now.

(my ex husband was going to agree to sign the transfer but the mortgage company itself - who’d I’d banked with for decades and who the original mortgage was with got nervy and refused - when I did come to do the transfer after 3 years there was some legals/paperwork I had to provide and a copy of the financial consent order which I guess is what they were on about when they’d refused to do it in 2 sections before

he’d never get any rights over your other child with only being on the scene 14 months

get family law advice asap

He may not get awarded 50% of the house. Do you get money from the other fathers of your children, if not you need to. Let him take you to court, it will be cheaper!

Doubt he’ll get 50:50. I got the whole house (2 kids and had to give up my career to care for my son)

We had a relationship for 5 years, but only lived together 14 months. And was married 10 months. His solicitor said as we put 5050 into the house the short marriage means the court wont divert from that. I just cant afford the legal advice. I tried calling one for "1 hours free - they set me up with a legal assistant basically to give me the hard sell, not actually give me any advice. The only other one that does free 1 hour, represented his ex wife previously so wouldn't talk to me.

Such a short relationship then yes the starting point will be 50/50 and to return you to the position you were in when you met - highly unlikely you’d get more or a share of his pension and you’d never get a mesher order

can you borrow the £30/40k from family to just be shot of him?

definitely no option to sell the house now and stay local by renting?

Do the other fathers have contact and pay CMS?

@tirednessbecomesme
Although the relationship was 5 years, the time living together and married was less than 14 months.

I dont want his pension. I earn more than him. When we met he had a huge mortgage and was in arrears - a 7% rate...
I had a tiny mortgage on a 2.7% rate. Renting a 3 or 4 bed near is nearly 2k a month. My biggest issue is, if I was in full time work, I'd easily raise the capital to buy him out. But im on maternity with no nursery or childminders available until the summer term.

I return to work in July, I can save 2k a month (12k by Christmas) and have a savings in my kids name that I could access (15k). Leaving me a less than 10k short. Do you think the court would force a sale in these circumstances? There is also a promotion coming up that I could interview for and the bank would then lend me to full amount but it takes me further away from home and childcare will be a struggle.

There is only one other father and he doesn't work anymore due to poor health.

You absolutely need legal advice - with the sums of money at stake you can’t do this on your own. You don’t need to go to a solicitors firm in your area - you can go to one round the country and do meetings remotely. Try Beck Fitzgerald, Brethertons.

As a first step you could call an advice line - https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/

Thank you! Ive tried these for about 2 weeks and cant get through. I'll call Beck F tomorrow.

I've spent all night crunching numbers, after I spoke to the bank yesterday. Im literally only 10k down at christmas. Sounds a lot but not in the scheme of a finding 90k to but him out 5050. I just want to be free from him once and for all. To have to go through this on maternity leave is so painful. I dont sleep. I dont eat. Im just exhausted

I don’t think they would right you to 50/50 as despite the short marriage, due to having a baby together you’ve suffered detriment in that time.

I would definitely go in with 40/60. Don’t forget his solicitors act for him!

How well do you get on with your ex? Can’t see he would agree to this chap wanting PR of his child? Could he lend you money since he doesn’t work and doesn’t pay CMS presumably?

@AnotherDelphinium there hasn’t been a detriment per se ….the OP really only has to take 6 weeks minimum stat maternity leave - anything more is a choice. She hasn’t yet given a career. It’s dangerous in my opinion to go in bullishly as the OP earns more and has more in her pension I’m guessing …. All that could be thrown in the marital asset ring

I can’t see a court forcing a sale - by the time it actually got to court due to the waiting time (my solicitor said it could take a year or more to be heard!) you’d nearly be at your deadline.