Ex requested mediation out of the blue

[Weirdbelly03]

I will try to summarise the background so my question will make sense.

Split up Sept 2023. Had to get a Non Molestation Order and Occupation Order Jan 2024 because of ex's threats, stalking, etc.

Feb 2024 he agreed an amount for me to buy him out of the house and divorce, but then stalled and resisted making any progress. This cost me quite a bit in solicitor fees chasing his.

Jan 2025 he sent me a massive email wanting a much much higher amount of money. He said this was on legal advice, but it obviously wasn't, as it came from him and not his solicitor. And we hadn't done any financial disclosure so I know a solicitor won't advise. He threatened if I didnt agree, I would be made by a judge to sell the house.

I didnt agree and my solicitor requested Form E and do it all that way. He has been very slow at all points. But my solicitor has said to keep waiting as we want to avoid court.

There was disagreement over the valuation of his shares. He is a company Director and the firm's accountants have valued them low for him. I had to pay another accountant to give a realistic valuation.

The last thing from his solicitor said they don't accept my valuation, we will be using his. It gave a total for our joint money - house plus shares - but excluded the debts he left me with and all his cash in the bank. Said we will split 50/50. So said I must pay him a very large amount.

My solicitor is working on a response so we can negotiate. She was going to say we need the debt included, we don't agree the share valuation, and that I cannot even get a mortgage as large as he wants. I need this house to fit my kids in. His take home pay is literally double mine. I work full time plus an additional job. He has his salary plus company car plus dividends. He earns that much because of my support during the marriage and from the shares we bought with joint money (but are in his name only so I am not seeing any dividends).

Anyway before she had chance to respond, he has sent a request for me to attend mediation. Is this the right way to do it? I think he thinks i will refuse, which i believe I can do, because of the Non Mol Order (expired now but shows domestic abuse). So I think he wants to go to court, force his way through. Without allowing my solicitor to negotiate.

So should I try attending the mediation? Is it likely to be deemed inappropriate to continue because he is abusive? In which case it will just cost me more to attend the first session.

I am waiting for my solicitor to advise me, but if anyone has any wisdom it would be appreciated. Will it look bad on him that he is forcing court when he hasn't allowed negotiation?

I am so sick of this, it has been 2 years and the stress makes me physically ill. But I can't afford to give him what he is demanding even if I thought it was fair. Which I don't!

Mediation is not recommended for people who have suffered abuse. You would be exempt in family court, so personally I would let the solicitor deal with it

Mediation is def not recommended in your situation so let the solicitor refuse.

Where in the country are you and how old are the kids?

Absolutely not. He wants to get you in a room to browbeat you. Too late. It’s all paperwork now so let the professionals continue the negotiations. Shame it will add to the fees but you have no choice here.
What a shitty father to try and wangle a deal that would leave you unable to support the children he has left for you to look after. I guess he’s angry that he can’t get everything he wants and ‘win’. I wish you strength.

Thank you. Thing is, I do want a chance to negotiate! Yes will leave to the solicitor then. Thank you for responses.

I am in the north of England. Kids are 13 and 14 plus older ones aged 19 and 21. Which I know legally don't need to be counted but in reality they do exist and do need to live with me. This is part of why I wanted to negotiate. To see if he would really say he doesn't care about them and their needs. He still sees them all and tries to act like Best Dad Ever to their faces.

Thank you again. I am glad I asked as I was thinking of attending it! He does very clearly want whatever is the worst possible outcome for me. Kids are collateral damage. He is full of hatred for me.

In your situation mediation is not advised however when I was in the divorce process shuttle mediation was suggested: you’re in the same building but not in the same room, might that work?

Sending strength to you OP. These situations that take bloody years are so draining. He needs to stop being a dick.

Shuttle mediation sounds much better. I am scared of him and start to shake very hard if I see him. I was shaking just reading the email. Do you think the mediatior would say it is appropriate to do it that way then rather than an outright no?

This is why he wants mediation…so he can terrify you and get what he wants.
Suggest it to the mediator. It’ll take the power away from him.
I didn’t want to be in the same building with my ex…still don’t a decade later.

Doesn’t sound like he’s going to negotiate and agree re your two adult children - and as you say courts won’t factor them into housing so you may need to let go of this one.

agree, suggest shuttle mediation at the very least you’ll get better understanding of sticking points, at best you might reach agreement

Well fact you have two minors will put you in good stead in court, the welfare of the children are the courts primary concern. I also have an over 18 and at Uni, and have argued average age of a child leaving home is now around 28.

Are his shares/pension equivalent to the house equity? (I know you are saying they are undervalued but if still sizeable can still be used).

I think you need to go to court tbh.
He isn’t going to rollover.

I am negotiating with the solicitor directly as asvised at our court hearing.... give them what you want to achieve and the lowest you can afford to go whilst still maintaining a home for you and kids. This is what you are paying them for. And request your fees are paid from any "free" money before split or by him.

Just wanted to add, I’m in a not dissimilar situation but that he pulled the trigger with financial proceedings. We are going after costs because he didn’t engage in the voluntary process and there is v clear guidance around this now that all parties are expected to exhaust all options before resorting to court. I doubt I’ll be successful but it’s something else to have in your arsenal at least. Don’t do mediation - he doesn’t control you, he doesn’t call the shots any more. Be strong.

Thank you for all the input, I really appreciate it. My solicitor hasn't got back to me yet.

I was so shocked that he has had to have every bit of information prised out of him with reminders every time. To jump to trying to start court without even letting my solicitor make ANY arguments at all. She had sent a holding response saying she would consult me and get back to them.

He definitely wants to control everything. I so want to be divorced! But I want a fair share. His shares are worth less than the house but with his cash and my debt considered, it is a lot closer.

I will press on and hold firm. Will aim.for court costs if I can too! I just can't sleep every time I get a letter or email. I have tablets so will take one tonight.

Oh bless you OP. Just want to reassure you that every day is a step closer to this all being over. It’ll be such a relief.
Keep going 💪💪💪💪💪