Still fucked off after 2 years

[PancakesForElephants]

Hi all,

My ex announced our relationship was over nearly 2 years ago. He started a new relationship with "friend" immediately. We lived together for over a year while I sorted alternative. 1 teen DC who now roughly alternates between us.

I'm still annoyed. I'm fucked off my ex gets headspace. I dream about him, not always positively but IRL basically ignore him except for teen arrangements. Had counselling and realised some v unpleasant things about him / our relationship. I don't want him back. But I'm struggling to move on and take responsibility for my own happiness. What's stopping me? Rationally I know I'm free to do what I want, only get one life, and our relationship wasn't making me happy etc. but can't seem to live it. I go out, see friends, do stuff, just feel like I'm cosplaying and I'm still fundamentally lost.

Feel like I failed at relationship and now failing at being single.

Any advice please?

It's probably because you had no choice in the matter (like me) and you feel resentful about that (I do).

How long were you together for? Guessing 15yrs+? Thats a huge part of your life, for me it was 27 odd to 50 odd, with one person. So many memories, habits you will always think of them. Going NC can help (my teens do all comms between us, not spoken to her directly via voice or message in 1+yr).

My advice - relax and do what you want, take up skiing, painting or any other hobby. Go out dating and dip your toe in.

I think it takes time to grieve for a lost future and the habit of a relationship - even one where you know in your head it wasn’t making you happy.

id say don’t stress it( easier said than done )
just take each day as it comes. Embrace opportunities to go out or take up new things, just try them you might like them but don’t worry you’re not moving on quick enough or doing enough . things will come

More than 20 years together. Am early 50s now, ex a bit older.

I try to avoid ex as much as possible. Originally he thought nothing much would change but given he was seeing someone else, I thought I deserved better than wasting my time with him.

But maybe would be better for my teen if we did things together. Ach, I don't know.

It took a lot longer for me to me to get over it all OP. 2 years isnt really a long time. Its a kind of bereavement really.

@Gettingbysomehow how long did it take you if you don't mind me asking? Any tips, or do I just have to go through it?

I just wanted to say I feel the same way. Almost angrier now than when I left & I have a younger child so have to have a lot of contact still. I’m angry about things that happened in the marriage & also about him swanning around pretending he is now a perfect parent when he did nothing before & I still do way more. I think some anger may be healthy but I don’t want to get bitter. What’s helping me is exercise, not drinking, seeing friends, doing creative things, throwing myself into work & the main thing is focusing on my child & how much better & more joyful our relationship is now. That helps more than anything. I don’t know how much of this is useful but wanted to send you some solidarity.

Hi...

I think you have to ride the wave until it settles.

I left 4 years ago this summer. Im.now 57. I have navigated divorce whilst living with a parent, buying a new home, moving in 1 year later and starting a new job. I would say its been abig life change whi h gets easier to adjust to, accept and enjoy.

I have joined various social group which i dip in and out of when I want. Im due to take my first break alone abroad next week. I knew my time I have left on the planet needs me to.make it a fulfilled life. Im not talking anything drastic, I'm not going bungee jumping, but I'm doing an okay job of moving out of old comfort zone to achieve this.

You too, will find a way of being happy with yourself. Don't make it your primary focus, actually start with accepting life is different initially. I personally think you need to accept this before anything. Don't be too hard at what point you are in life.

Set yourself very small goals. Actually tell yourself, you did well and just keep chugging forward. People often talk about the divorce process, it really is a process of finding the new you. Without question we will be different and we find ourselves again. It can eventually be a positive thing.

Sorry. No proof reading took place in my message.

Have you had any therapy?

you need to be kinder to yourself u haven’t failed at anything, it’s just life. It will get better but you have to work a wee bit at it

Yes to therapy, a few different types and people. One v good but he stopped practising. Maybe I need to try again.

I was going to say that maybe counselling to talk about you, rather than the end of the marriage, would help. Can your retired former counsellor recommend anyone he thinks would be a good fit for you?

I also don't think 2 years is a long time. The Hollywood narrative for this situation would have us think we should now have reinvented ourselves and be living a totally new and best life. It's a longer more mundane process in reality.

hmm, yes good point. Previous counselling was about breakup and then grief so a shift of focus might help. I'm struggling to even know who I am or what I like or what I want out of life.

Long mundane process exactly not quite the Hollywood answer I was hoping for! Eeughhh.

Didn't mean it to be a downer! For many people there's a more restful lack-of-drama feeling about it, but it's not the running along a tropical beach laughing with your new partner thing you get in films. Not sure I'm putting this well. I do think it's related to feeling you yourself are OK and enough which it doesn't sound like you've reached yet.

Well a good 7 years really. We'd been married for 20 years and Id considered him the love of my life and thought we'd be together for life. We had a lovely home on the south downs that we'd renovated and a great social life.
Then one day he just walked out and sent divorce papers in the post. No warning, no discussion.
My entire life was turned upside down
Then I lost my job and had to sell up and move to Somerset to be fair to a much better job.
I just didnt understand why he would throw our good life together like that to go and live in a rented bedsit. He signed every thing over to me and refused to take anything money, house connected to our life together and I still dont know why.
I think the fact there has been no closure and no discussion has dragged this on snd on.
If he'd just come clean about what he'd been thinking I could have just moved on.

@Gettingbysomehow wow, that sounds very hard and disruptive. How bizarre. I'm sorry you've had to deal with point blank no discussion.

I guess at some point one partner in a relationship starts to think about leaving and they tend to do that quietly and start living a double life until they just stop.

At least with mine I knew he was unhappy, except for meetings with "friend" because on reflection the last year of our relationship was him complaining, sighing and sulking, including about sex which was not new (and what's sexuer than being sulked into sex 🙄), while also refusing to hear anything I said about what I wanted or needed. I was still unaware that the end result would be him jumping ship.

He treated you terribly, ended the relationship for an OW, and you had to live with him until a year or so ago (not long). It’s early days.

It’d be a bad idea to spend time or interact with him, other than about DC and any remaining practical stuff to sort out.

Do whatever will make you feel a little better.

Don't worry, I understood you saying there's no magic trick, especially just by taking up with someone new to skip around beaches in the end credits, but reality is more a process of readjusting to me and my new, slightly unexpected, life. Less scenic!

I’m sorry you’re struggling so much, you need to try to find a way through this, otherwise you risk becoming very bitter. My friends mum never got past it, she was about your age and when she died in her late 80s she was still furious with him and going on about it. He on the other hand married again and had more kids and was very happy. It did her no favours and I always felt very sorry for her.

so if you’re already having therapy or counselling, then finding things to occupy your brain, hobbies, friends, fitness, something, to stop you thinking about him all the time.

Yes, I absolutely don't want to be bitter. I want to be indifferent. My stupid brain keeps dreaming about him. I wake up very confused, it's awful. I wish I didn't give him any mental space, he's moved on, why can't I?

I’m not sure but I don’t think it’s that rare. We hear of women who never get over it, less so with men. It’s really sad, to waste your life on what might have been and feeling slighted. It’s no way to live,

id assume it’s you’re unhappy in your current life, something is missing, and you’re angry you are in this position. I can’t say what’s missing, you may not like being single, living without a partner, you may feel financially it’s difficult, you may struggle with the responsibility that comes with being single. Managing a home etc,

id figure out what would make your life better, and then go about getting it.

@Notsosweetcaroline yes, exactly, I don't like the responsibility of being single especially managing a home. I find it all overwhelming. I dont know how to make that better, getting a new partner isn't the answer, I don't want someone. Have to learn to rely on myself. Feel very stuck.