How to tell your children?

[yearofhorse]

My husband has decided to leave the marriage, and it isn’t amicable. It’s a long story, but because it’s a no-fault divorce, I understand that I don’t really have the option to contest it. So I suppose it is what it is.

What I’m struggling with most is how to tell the children. Do you explain exactly what happened, or do you simply say that Mum and Dad are getting divorced, that it’s not their fault, and leave it at that?

Part of me feels I don’t mind explaining the full story — but realistically, the children won’t fully understand ( primary school) The truth is, I can’t bring myself to feel as though I “agree” with this. I’m not emotional about it — I’m just really angry.

The thing is, I truly believe what my ex did to me is not acceptable. I don’t want my children to grow up thinking that what he did to me is okay.

So what do you do in that situation?

Why don’t you have the option to contest it?

Have you agreed on a DIY divorce or is this going through the courts, and if so why? Can an agreement not be met for the sake of the children? My ex threatened to go to court for custody, which scared me at the time, as my children would not have wanted that, and in reality he would have been laughed at (worked nights), but emotions run high on both sides and saying stuff and actually acting on it are two different things.

I would explain to them as plainly as possible that you and he will not be husband and wife to each other anymore but you will both still be mum and dad to them. They will still have two parents but in separate homes. If they are primary school age that’s probably the level they can manage.

I truly understand and sympathise with you feeling that what he has done is not acceptable and not wanting your kids to grow up thinking it is. But now isn’t the time for that message. For now they need reassurance and stability. As they grow up and learn more about relationships and life in general, that’s the time to be more open if you feel it’s right for them to know.

You leave your young children out of it as far as whatever your H did and the fact that you don't agree with it. The divorce is going to happen regardless and they aren't old enough to deal with 'the facts', whatever they may be. You say "Sometimes mummies and daddies can't get along anymore. When that happens it's best if they don't live in the same house. But we both still love you and you will still see Daddy often". Don't say "Daddy doesn't love Mummy anymore", "Daddy is leaving us", or any words to that effect because that may give them the idea that someday Daddy may not love them anymore or that he may leave them (as in never see them) at some point. You must set your feelings aside and think only of your children.

Someday, perhaps when they are old enough, you may be able to tell them the truth, should they ask you. But not now.

As far as 'no fault', no you can't stop the divorce itself from happening. But that doesn't mean you have to 'cave' on the financial, child access and maintenance part of it. He can bifurcate if he wants to be single right away and you can fight the rest out later. Get yourself a good solicitor, find out your options and make the decisions that are best for you and DC. Do NOT try to 'DIY' this and don't listen to anything your H has to say about 'a fair deal'. You cannot trust him and you cannot believe a word he says. And do NOT tell him a damned thing about what you plan to do. Keep silent and keep your dignity. You will be glad you did.

Hi all, thanks so much for your input — I really appreciate it.

It’s been a very tough 10 years in this marriage. The gaslighting, belittling, emotional abuse and everything else really took a toll on me. I ended up deeply depressed and sought medical help, therapy, consultations — you name it. In the end, I was basically told my depression was situational and that unless the situation changed, there was only so much they could do. I felt stuck in that cycle for years.

Honestly, getting divorced feels hard, but compared to what I’ve already lived through, it almost feels manageable.

I’m not trying to create drama or “contest” for the sake of it. But I do struggle with the idea that he can just walk away like nothing happened, as if none of his behaviour was wrong. I feel like there needs to be some acknowledgement of what I went through and a fair outcome.

He initially wanted to do everything DIY and said what he was offering was completely fair and legally sound. I insisted on getting proper legal advice and now have a lawyer — and I’m glad I did, because he’s already changed quite a few things he originally said.

The hardest part is trying to stay neutral for the kids. I can feel that he’s using the fact that we’re not sharing details with them as some kind of leverage, which is stressful. As a mum, I feel a responsibility to raise my children with a clear sense of right and wrong. I don’t want to speak out of anger, but I also don’t want to act like unacceptable behaviour is just something you quietly tolerate.

Maybe one day, when they’re older, I’ll tell them the full story. For now, I’m just trying to handle this in the best way I can.

You say you want to contest it but yet it sounds like you wanted to end it anyway but he got in first by walking away? I do agree i don’t particularly agree in all divorcing being no fault now and there being no option to tick that actually the marriage failed for a particular reason rather than by being by mutual consent

at their age the children aren’t going to understand what gaslighting belittling or emotional abuse actually is so there is no point in trying to explain to them that that’s why the marriage is ending - I think you’ll just have to wait until they are much older to give them the warts and all version

My wife had an affair with our friend, and left me. I haven’t told DD (now 7) the reason and I don’t think I ever will, unless she works it out when she’s older and asks me directly if that was the reason. And even then I think I’d soften the blow, because my relationship with her other parent is a distinct thing from her relationship with her other parent. Adults do disappointing things. Bad things. But your parents are your parents and no child should feel caught in the middle of an adult dispute.

I literally wrote a script as I wanted to get it right for my primary DC. I’ve shared it below in case useful (taken out names). It was important we were a united front on this and we did it together. Even though I was pretty strong with the divorce, I found telling DC very emotional. They took it remarkably well.

Important news
Mummy and daddy have decided that we are not going to live together any more
We love you so much and want you to grow up with happy parents and we think we will be most happy if we live in separate houses and aren’t married any more
This is called a divorce
Even though we will be in separate houses you will still see both of us still and you will have two houses to call home - you will see one of us on some days and the other one on other days.
This means we will need to find two new houses - one for mummy and you both and one for daddy and you both
In a month or two Daddy is going to sort move to … and sometime you will stay with him there

…have said you and me can come and live with them in… so in a few weeks me and you two are going to go and have our home there in their lovely house. This means we are going to find you a new school in..,. When we find you a new school we will move so that will be probably be. In about 2 or 3 weeks.
Daddy will stay in this house for a little while to get it ready before he moves to …. He will come and visit us in .,,, whenever he can. you will have weekends with daddy sometimes and weekends with mummy sometimes. In the week we will live at ..,, house and go to school there.
We will make sure all your toys and clothes and teddies find a place in the two new houses - you’ll each have your own bedroom in both houses
We will keep in touch with and try and see any friends you will miss
Even though we will live separately we will still be a family . You’ll still be brother and sister together. We will still love you always. I will still be your mum and dad will still be your dad. We are friends and we can have fun together sometimes, we just won’t be husband and wife . You will still have your grandma and your grandpa and your cousins and your uncles and your aunties.
We know this is really big news and you will have lots of feelings and lots of questions . We know you might feel sad, scared, anxious or angry.
we love you so much and we are going to make sure you are ok always.
Hug - questions

Contesting it, or putting him
at fault in now way changes the financial outcome. You won’t get a better settlement as a result,

dont tell your custom or burden them with adult relationships- simply say that sometimes grown ups relationships end and that it’s best to live separately but that you’re both still their parents and love them dearly,

you can only contest a divorce on the basis of jurisdiction or if the marriage was never valid, this has been the case since divorce law was reformed in 2022

I separated last summer after a 38 year marriage. It was due to DH's drinking. Emotionally it just killed me as I do still love the man he used to be. But let me tell you this, the peace and calm I found the first night after I left was breathtaking. It felt unreal. But now after these months I can accept the calm and the peace. And the fact that I can now make my own decisions wholly without regards to his wants and needs. Keep that in mind as you move forward. At some point you will be in your own place, where you make the rules and you decide everything.

But I do struggle with the idea that he can just walk away like nothing happened, as if none of his behaviour was wrong.

I think you need to understand that someone has always been able to 'just walk away like nothing happened'. Men (and women) have moved out of the marital home without a backwards glance since time immemorial. Many never bothered to get divorced, they just started their new lives.

I feel like there needs to be some acknowledgement of what I went through and a fair outcome.

He will never acknowledge anything. Even should there have been a finding of 'fault' he would still feel that he did nothing wrong. And that's what you want, really. Not for some judge to say "Your behaviour was the reason for this", but for HIM, that rat bastard, to say "I fucked up". Never going to happen. Moses could bring down stone tables from Mt Sinai saying "This is all your fault" and he still wouldn't acknowledge it.

I get the 'fair outcome' thing as in the days before 'no fault' one party could be given a larger share for 'pain and suffering'. And I agree, it doesn't seem fair. My DS's wife cheated on him. Do we feel he should be 'compensated' for that in a larger slice of the marital pie? Sure we do. But it's just not the way it is.

And remember, you only have so much 'emotional coin'. Don't waste it on 'He should' or 'They should'. It won't change the outcome and you need that 'coin' for better things.

The hardest part is trying to stay neutral for the kids. I can feel that he’s using the fact that we’re not sharing details with them as some kind of leverage, which is stressful.

He certainly isn't going to open a can of worms on his behaviour, is he? If you feel like sharing what you feel that leverage is, maybe we can help. But that's only IF you want to.

As a mum, I feel a responsibility to raise my children with a clear sense of right and wrong. I don’t want to speak out of anger, but I also don’t want to act like unacceptable behaviour is just something you quietly tolerate.

But at this point they don't know about his unacceptable behaviour, do they? Or perhaps they're too young to understand it. Seems to me that you aren't showing them that you tolerate anything if they don't know what his behaviour actually is.

Maybe one day, when they’re older, I’ll tell them the full story. For now, I’m just trying to handle this in the best way I can.

And I think that time will come and that they will raise the issue themselves. And also, unfortunately as they get older he may exhibit some of that same behaviour towards them.

You are handling this beautifully. You're accepting of the system 'as it is' even though you don't like it. You've gotten a solicitor. You're putting your children first.

You will get through this. 1000s have before you, 1000s will after you. And when it's all over, you will look in the mirror and say "I am AMAZING!". Because you are.

We asked a kids therapist for advice. They advice was

• dont make it a big deal so don't have a big event where you sit down somewhere special and talk about it and especially not over a meal
• find age appropriate words but name it "divorce" or "mummy and daddy wont be living in rhe same house "
• make it final, dont leave an opening for them to hope it's temporary and keep it simple "mummy and daddy dont love each other any more"
• reassure them about them being loved
• no further explanations are usually necessary with younger kids, do not try to pull them into the why someone doesn't love someone any more
• keep it very short, let them go back to whatever they were doing pre conversation and leave an opening for further questions
• follow up later with them as they are unlikely, if young, to be able to think of the things that really worry them (my kids it was a day or two later and the worry was about favourite toys and 2 houses)

This is absolutely lovely 🧡 can I ask, did you "get through it" all before your kids reacted / got upset? We'll be telling DC 4 and 6 quite soon and I just don't know if we'll get through the first couple of sentences before DD6 in particular starts crying / runs away in upset

They were very quiet, didn’t want to ask any questions. We had a hug and we went on with our day. Questions then popped up over time here and there - I tried to make it exciting - new things etc but also recognise that it will be different and might feel sad

I think you're mixing up your own feelings with what may potentially be the children's, you seem to want them to understand and be on your "side".

My younger daughter was six when her father left. There was no drama whatsoever and the house was happy and warm when he was gone. Older daughter also loved that he wasn't here any more.

And yes, I had been a bit concerned about telling them, didn't realise how much his horrible behaviour was affecting them, I thought they were shielded.

I have a 4 and 5 year old, I’ve been moved out of the marital home for the past 9 months (I moved back to parents) but was seeing the kids in the home still where my ex is. It worked and they just thought I was at grandmas or work, I now have a flat nearer the house and been there for 2 months before i finally had them over last weekend. So it had been gradual I guess and last weekend just sat them down together in the flat and explained briefly I live here now and they’d see me here. Didn’t say much else, they played with their toys etc. my ex said she had some tears later in the day when I left them at hers.

Its really a process and the first time you tell them when you look back probably won’t be the most important bit at all, it’s the days, weeks, months and years after. Do both parents show up? Are both present? Are both trying to do what’s right for the kids? If that happens then they’ll be fine and how you told them is almost irrelevant (obviously there’s a wrong way, but clearly from your tone that’s not on the cards at all).

We told ours this weekend it was horrible but went as well as we could have hoped. My husband decided that he wasn’t happy so we told the children that he hadn’t been happy for a while and spoke to me and we decided together that it was best for both of us and our family to separate. There is a difference between taking accountability and blame. Ours are older, 14, 16, 18

How are you doing now OP? Sitting down to tell the kids was the thing I was dreading most, and while it was awful, it wasn't as bad as I feared.

It was very much STBEXH's fault we separated, he came out after 10 years and 2 kids together. Had dated, or at least had sex with men before we got together, but kept all that from me in the chats we had early in our relationship, so he clearly though it was a big deal. He was also having sex with men from the internet before he came out too. Like he had to make sure he was gay before sinking his ship with me.

We haven't told the kids any of that obviously. Just that Mummy and Daddy are separating and will be living apart but we both still love them. I do struggle with the questions, My 4 year old has started asking why, and I cant tell him why other than just keep with the same story. Its hard, but I know it will all come out one day and the kids will know it wasn't my fault

Here’s a clearer and more composed version that still reflects how upset you are:

We’ve just told the children that we’re getting a divorce. To be honest, it wasn’t really a joint conversation—my ex more or less told them himself, saying “mummy and daddy are getting a divorce, but nothing will change so don’t worry.”

The children didn’t react much and just carried on as normal, but I imagine it will take time for it to sink in.

What’s really upset me is that we never discussed how to handle this conversation together. It was a completely spontaneous decision on his part, and I don’t appreciate it at all. I’m actually furious.

We’ve already been living separately due to work arrangements, and when he comes into town, he stays with us. He’s now saying that won’t change—but I strongly disagree. If we’re separating, I don’t think it’s appropriate for him to continue staying here.

Now I feel like I’m left to explain everything properly to the children on my own, including what the new arrangements will look like. It’s overwhelming, and I’m really upset about how this has been handled.