Is it worth rocking the boat?

[LoveYouBye]

I'm not even sure this is the right place for my thread, but I'm after some input.

Separated/divorced 11 years. One 14yo DS plus three adult DCs. My ex and I initially had 50/50 but this has shifted over the years where all of our children eventually spent more time with me than their dad, or moved in with me as adults.

I'm happily remarried, I instigated the split, and I have no interest in my ex in any way, other than frustrations over what a low-effort, bare minimum parent he is.

Our only remaining 'child' has, for the past few years, split his time 70/30 with the majority spent with me. Our agreement has remained in writing as 50/50, with him having main custody (this was agreed reluctantly by me, purely because he is a deadbeat was constantly unemployed and I was the breadwinner). He received benefits on this basis which enabled him to have a home that had space for all of our DCs.

I won't be entitled to any financial support from him or the benefits system if I successfully have our agreement changed, but my ex would lose money. I think I'm just tired of his glory hunting as a single dad whilst I do the lion's share of the parenting (emotional as well as practical), and have the extra expense (which I do not grudge my son in any way!) whilst he claims all of the associated benefits. He is the primary contact for school etc and I'm sick of relying on him to pass on information etc - I think he often drip feeds it as some kind of bizarre power move.

Would it be ridiculous to involve lawyers again so far down the line? I suspect that any successful move on my part would force a house move on his, however this would eventually happen when the youngest DC becomes an adult.

Mainly for the school thing I'd go for it, but why do you need to involve lawyers? Can't you just claim the CB and then they will investigate and see where your son lives?

Can you just ask the school to give you all the information needed?

I'm not entitled to CB, so that's a non-starter or it would have been the easiest option.

School won't change details without consent of the 'main' parent

Are you in the UK?

If so use the court order and have the school send you both the information.

it’s a pain for a school (although easier now with lots of things automated), but it’s very common and even if you weren’t 50/50 you’d be entitled to it as all with PR are.

I'm in the UK but not England, so it's slightly different. The school are quite clear that their systems can only accommodate one parent (so any online bookings, payments etc are all done by him)

I'm also contemplating telling him that I will no longer pay for the sessions of DS's activity that he attends when he's at his dad's (I haven't explained that well - DS goes every week, and I pay every week regardless of which house he's at). Ex can afford it, and he's never acknowledged that I have additional costs (and he has additional cost savings!) with DS at mine more often (transport, lunches, etc). As I said, I don't begrudge DS the cost, and TBH my preference would be for him to live with me full time regardless of cost, but I do begrudge my ex the cost saving whilst he pretends he's not aware of it and happily claims benefits for DS.

I’m not sure about Wales and Ni, but if you’re in Scotland both parents are entitled to receive all information from the school.

Some schools I worked in really disliked this as the second lot was fiddly to do, but it is a legal entitlement and can be done.

Seems a bit pointless rocking the boat just to spite him after all these years. And personally I wouldn’t put my child’s club at risk to spite my ex either. If you are happy and the DC are happy and you are entering into your last years of dealing with him… why do you want to act this way now? Has something changed or is it just boredom?

DC's club isn't at risk - he can afford to pay for it. I'm currently funding the only activity he actually does with DS. It's also not boredom, but thank you for your concern. I'm the parent who does that majority of the parenting, and I'm tired of him behaving like the opposite is true. Why should I leave him unbothered and undisturbed at my cost?

The club is costing you, but him being on benefits isn’t costing you. And what if he chooses not to
pay for the club? I’m not concerned, I just wondered why after 11 years you’re considering ‘rocking the boat’.

Obviously it’s totally up to you if you decide to be spiteful to your ex, but you’ve asked for opinions… mine is that I wouldn’t bother at this point, I’d keep things civilised for DS as he heads towards his GCSE years, happy in the knowledge your ex will be screwed when DS leaves education anyway.

Where did I say him being on benefits is costing me? I said that I have additional expense for travel and lunches/snacks and that I also have the cost of the club; meanwhile he has reduced outgoings for the same reason. I don't know where you get spite from - it's nothing to do with spite and everything to do with me still picking up his slack 12 years down the line.

I’d rock the boat. Fuck him and his showboating while not paying his way or being fair about school info. What a twat. Talk to DS and then get the arrangement changed so it reflects reality!

How ridiculous. DH and I are still married and we both get all the school emails and notifications on the app.

Honestly, it's wild. They're so hell bent on only having one parent as a point of contact. I think this has been one of the main drivers for me wanting to have the agreement changed; it makes me feel like some kind of absent parent when I'm the one putting in the graft!

Thank you. I have nothing to gain financially (other than not paying for the club) from this, I am just so over his big I Am routine (show boating was an excellent description!)

Then rock the boat, makes no difference to me. You are doing it largely on principle/spite/whatever, if that works for you go for it. It’s not like you owe him
anything

Absolutely do it. Similar situation here with ex claiming CB etc for our youngest two even though one of them never stays there and the other is only there occasionally, maybe one night a fortnight. However, their schools have always had me as the main parent and point of contact, as it wouldn’t work at all if that wasn’t the case given that I do everything.