Should I force my children to see their father?

[Meg878o]

Very recently separated (one week ago) and have 3 primary aged children. Ex came over yesterday to see kids for first time and it was horrendous. I did this because the children don't want to go and visit him - he's staying at his parents.
When he came over, he fell asleep on the sofa, didn't make any effort to really interact or play with our children. Promised our daughter that he'd watch a specific program with her in the evening, even went out to buy popcorn for it and then literally minutes before the program upped and left. My daughter looked him in the eyes and said but daddy you said you'd watch it with me and his response was I know but I'm tired. It was all very overwhelming and emotionally hard for me so I just cant have him over again. My problem is that none of my children want to go and see him, they've never really wanted to go anywhere with him if I'm not there for some reason, even just popping to the shops, they won't let him take then to school unless I'm there. They are very emotionally attached to me but I do think it's also his longtime lack of basic parenting that has led to this.
But what do I do, do I force them to go even if they don't want to, they are 6,9 and 11. If they don't go, they just won't see their dad (not that I think it benefits them). Or do I endure the pain and joke that was yesterday and let him come here if that's the only opportunity they get to see him, even though he did nothing and made it worse in my opinion. Our eldest was crying, upset, stated upstairs in bed most of the day. Any advice gratefully received as I'm struggling with it all.

It’s new for all of you. It is not suitable or sustainable for him to visit the children in your house. If he’s living with his own parents there should be a benefit in that, as in they would presumably be spending time with him in another already-familiar environment (I may be assuming too much!) He should collect them to take there or for an outing of some sort.

You need to talk to the children and make it clear that daddy plus you is not an option. They must want him to some extent if his leaving before film caused upset, so I think it is just going to take time for them to get used to spending time with just Dad - and of course adjusting to the separation. That’s if he bothers at all!

He needs to see them elsewhere. Of course your DC will be upset - they’re going through a very traumatic time. Be very careful that you don’t get accused of parental alienation by not facilitating visits.
I would suggest that he takes them somewhere like soft play for a couple of hours where they don’t feel they have to sit and have conversations with him for hours, but can enjoy a familiar activity.
Why won’t they go to his parents? Surely they’ve been to their house plenty of times?

I would add, don’t let your own feelings cloud your approach - not criticising but it sounds like he’s not been a great Dad and you don’t deep-down think they should go. Imagine if you were all together and they all said they don’t want to go to visit relatives (because it’s boring). You should take a kind but firm approach and say it’s important for them to have time with Dad, and that’s what’s happening. It may become court-mandated at some point so I would try to smooth the transition by being on the same page about them going.

Thanks for your reply. You're absolutely assuming right, they've known that house their whole life, their grandparents are there too. But my issue is what if they point blank refuse. We tried that but they refused hence why I let him over yesterday, but I cannot do that again

Thanks for your reply. They've always been like this, wont go anywhere with him if im not there. Don't know if it's cos he has abit of a temper and has never really been a hands on Dad. My issue is what if they don't want to go to the soft play or wherever, what if the only place they want to see him is here. I cant face that again.

Don't force them. Also don't let him back in your house to see them. He doesn't live there anymore, it's confusing for the kids.
How can he fall asleep? Had he worked nights? Maybe he had to leave early as he was getting upset and didn't want to cry in front of them? Or maybe he just couldn't be arsed. You know him.
That's bizarre that they won't let him take them to school etc. are they scared of him?

Is there a neutral place you can meet?

Mine have gone through phases of not wanting to see their dad and I never make them but also I always support them if they want to see him

It’s only been days since the separation began. It’s ok that the first contact time was a disaster, it doesn’t necessarily mean it will always be that way.
Are there are safety concerns with leaving the kids with their dad or paternal grandparents or has he just been a lazy parent historically?
If there’s no safety issues then I would definitely encourage contact. If you and him are managing to be civil at the moment you could make some suggestions as to what he could do during his contact time that’s likely to be more successful with the kids. So he could try taking them out for a meal (fast food is fine if it’s a once a week thing) or to the park for a kick around with a ball. He could take them swimming. He could bring them to his parents´ place for Sunday lunch and a lazy afternoon. He could agree to take on an afternoon and do their afterschool activity run or homework and dinner then drop back to yours. The library could be a good option cheap (free?) once he’s consistent enough for you to know he’ll come back again and they return their library books. Something that’s the same or very similar every week is great because the kids come to trust it will happen and they are soothed by having a routine and knowing how it will go and when they will next see their Dad.

Thanks for your msg. I genuinely don't think they'll go to any of those places if I'm not there. What do I then do?

There could be but i really don't want to spend any time with him and I still don't think they'd happily let me drop them off for him to take them somewhere. What do I do if they point blank refuse

none of my children want to go and see him, they've never really wanted to go anywhere with him if I'm not there for some reason, even just popping to the shops, they won't let him take then to school unless I'm there

Our eldest was crying, upset, stated upstairs in bed most of the day.

he has a bit of a temper

They are scared of him. I wouldn’t make them see him.

Will he go to court to get time with them do you think?

I honestly don't know if they're scared of him or feel truly safe with him. Nothing has ever happened but he has abit of a temper and shouts alot. Never really been a hands on dad ever.
He has said he left because he was getting upset but I feel that's a cop out..I've had my kids for 7 days straight on my own 24/7. If I left every time I got upset, they'd of been on their own 7 days ago! They've had to see me cry, although I've tried my very hardest to hide my emotions. I've had to deal with their upset...he hasn't had to face any of that. I'm mentally struggling myself, can't eat, horrific anxiety.

I agree with others posters - you don’t need to facilitate contact at your house - he either takes them to his parents or out to the park. You could offer to go for a little bit if it’s convenient and then go do the food shop and pick them up on the way back which is what I used to do. I don’t force any of my children to see their dad. And haven’t since around age 6

You could persuade them by using the time they visit their dad to do some activity they really hate. Supermarket shop? Cleaning the floors? Or you can take the choice away by either being unavailable during that time - you have to go with Dad because I am getting my haircut/going to the dentist/working etc. Another technique is for Dad to pick them up from school rather than from home so you’re not their and there isn’t an obvious alternative.
If you think they are scared of Dad would lunch at their grandparents’ place be the best option? More adults there that they hopefully know and trust?

I wouldn't do that again. Just make sure that you email or text him to say that everyone found the visit at your house difficult and it didn't work, and that HE needs to suggest an alternative and facilitate that.

Then every time he contacts you ask to see them repeat the same thing (via text or email for evidence). You are happy to prep the kids for him to pick up and he just needs to let you know when ( in a convenient window for you) he wants to come.

This way he's the one doing the work and you are seen as being perfectly reasonable and can evidence this.

If the kids were desperate to see him then I might engage more and be more proactive about arranging something or doing drop offs but if they aren't bothered then he needs to work harder...

I this is very fresh and raw.

• Don’t have him back in the house, it’s absolutely ok to hold this boundary. I actually do almost all of drop offs and collection for mine because if he comes here he gets agitated and then Ive got no chance if the children spending time with him.
• Keep a written record of what you are trying and how you are trying to keep the children in contact with their father. You can make arrangements for them to have them at a certain place , if they can’t face getting in the car, email him the details, what you’ve don’t to encourage them and what the plans for next time.

Slightly different in my case..ex h was a control freak, looking back,a psychopath, also fessed up after almost 20 years he was gay.. he tried to kill me (poison) I said to myself whatever else he has done he's their dad and I will not bad mouth him.. originally it was an attempted murder charge,High court. Then reduced to attempted gbh. Until I got the court order forbidding him from coming within so many feet of me, I had to give him access because the property was in his name. 2 ds were 7 and 11, older DD had living in job. Suddenly I got a solicitors letter, saying he wanted her to take the boys to see him, when I saw him in court,he said he didn't want to see them,that was his solicitors idea. He tried to have them removed from my care. We went to court,high court lady judge, purple robes to the floor. She said they were old enough to decide for themselves. All 3 said no..I put my oldest DD through therapy, shame I didn't do that with the youngest.
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Other posters have the right approach / this is fresh and new and painful for everyone. Keep supporting the children, listen to them, document everything you are doing to facilitate contact - you may need this for court in the future. Speak to their schools/any other professionals in their lives to ensure they are accessing all the emotional support they can at this turbulent time.

Start snall- softplay where you attend but sit at a table alone with a coffee. Let him do what ge thinks he should... likely not alot. Disappear to the toilet a few times, even pop out to the car for a ohone call. just a trial run so the kids see you both as separate entities, and small doses of them with him. Ypu dint need to talk to him and put it in writing before that this is the plan. After the time, in writing, put how it went. If ge sat on his phone with his own coffee then share in your message that he needs to actively engage with rhe kids to build the relationship as you aren't going to be at all future contact.

Definitely not in the house that is your safe space.