Husband’s affair. What next?

[FeistyKoala]

My husband has been having an affair. I’ve known for a while and confronted him last week. He met her 6 months ago and has taken her to hotels, for expensive meals, bought gifts. Last weekend he was away with her, he has admitted he knew I suspected and even knew I was crying when he checked in. He didn’t come home until the following evening after spending the day with her. He didn’t stop contact with her and still hasn’t. He has said it is because we’ve drifted apart and haven’t been intimate. I don’t disagree but it’s not an excuse. I’ve been struggling with menopause, started HRT, have busy family life and job. I told him I was struggling and he did nothing to help. I don’t want to carry on but what now? My youngest is about to begin GCSEs, I’ve said we keep things normal for that period but it is hard. He’s in contact, acting normal and I feel anxious. I think I’m going to be alone and I’m scared.

Sorry this is happening. Do you own your house? Has he moved out?

You're not alone, you have your child with you. He has to move out, why would he think it's OK to carry on an affair and act as if everything is OK. Don't feel this is your fault, like ppl say what's the house and finances situation. He's taking the piss out of you both.

@FeistyKoala you divorce him.

See a solicitor, discuss your options, ring fence your savings.

You need legal advice. Take control of the situation. 💐

You've got a few months until the exams are over to start preparing. See a solicitor. Make sure you have copies or photos of all your husbands income/savings/investments/pensions. See CAB about benefits if that applies to you. Get those ducks in a tidy row.

If you need counselling to help you through this, start that now

You could also start preparing your children in small ways

Edit typo

You are anxious as you know change is coming and right now you feel out of control. He has made his choice, you now need to make yours. Your husband has checked out of the marriage and now you need to define what your options are and how to move forward.

See a solicitor, get an exit strategy together so he is not dictating the whole narrative. Make sure you have copies of everything and do not waste your time discussing it with him.

If you think your child hasn’t a clue what’s going on you are very mistaken! Children often know more than the parents! Get him to move out as the atmosphere from 2 parents living together who don’t love each other and one of them is having an affair is FAR worse than living with a mum who’s dad has moved out! They can concentrate on their exams without an atmosphere then

All of this. Use your time effectively, which sounds simplistic in between feeling very emotional and having to be practical.

Please do not take on board the reasons he has given to permit himself to have another relationship, that is purely selfish on his part.

Find resource, support, be kind to yourself and prepare for a period of your life to be disrupted and unfathomable. You WILL get through this and, one day wake and feel your worth of what you chose for yourself.

I wish you well with the the coming daysxx

Thank you all for your advice. I have started practical things. I’ve opened a new account and will contact payroll to move my salary. I will pay my share but not funding their nights away. I can afford the house alone, there are no savings. We spent them on a new bathroom etc. I feel like I’m being soft but I just want to protect my kids. 🙈

How old are your children

Your daughter’s exams are quite far off, that’s a long time for you to mask your feelings. If you can, I’d get him to leave now but agree to hold off on any discussions about the house until after her exams are finished. I’m so sorry you are going through this, he doesn’t sound apologetic or sorry about his behaviour at all.

You can only do the best you can do and valuing your DCs and your own MH is worth a lot.

Separate your finances as much as possible. My friend is still enmeshed with her stbxH and he's playing silly buggers with the mortgage in the house she no longer lives in but pays out for. He may well have had longer to plan too, so separating the very painful emotions from the practical steps to separation is necessary to catch up. Hard tho it is.

Be honest with the kids and ask him to leave ASAP. It’s time for the shit to hit the fan and for him to deal with the consequences of his actions!

Oh and claim child maintenance immediately and also file for divorce. Rip that rug out from under him.

One thing I already had done by the time I engaged a solicitor, was create an email address for divorce and, eventually new house purchase. Solicitor did advise me to do this. Unfortunately, my solicitor accidentally shared it with ex husband 😑

My youngest is about to begin GCSEs, I’ve said we keep things normal for that period but it is hard.

Substitute the word " impossible" instead of " hard" and that would present more like the truth OP.

Yet another man who embarks on an affair and has the audacity to blame his wife because he is a cheat and a liar

Much better for you and your children to ask him to leave and instigate divorce proceedings ASAP .

I'd encourage him to pack his bags and move in with ow, or contact her if you have her details and ask her to come and pick him and all his crap up