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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Staying in family home

20 replies

LetaLestrange · 21/02/2026 07:00

I am in the process of separating from my husband and trying to look at options for what happens next.

Kids (8 & 10) will stay with me & most likely see him EOW. His job makes it difficult for him to commit to a fixed day in the week. 10yo is autistic- in mainstream school but with a lot of help. Stability & routine v important to her.

Family home bought 4 years ago. Neither of us could afford to buy the other out. Layout is unusual but ideal for us as allows for kids to have separate spaces and neighbours not disturbed by the noise (and there is a LOT of noise).

I don’t particularly like this house but I want to stay here with the kids as I think moving would be a huge ordeal for them; and it’s extremely unlikely I’d find something suitable around here.

Would it be totally unfair to suggest I stay here even though H has equity in the property? I’d like to propose we sign something stating that we won’t sell for X years (10 maybe? Til youngest is 18) unless we both agree. Then he can have his equity then.

Does that sound fair? I am honestly doing this for the kids; but I worry he’d see it as me getting a better deal then him…

OP posts:

Needanadultgapyear · 21/02/2026 07:03

Would your H be able to house himself without the equity? Split is all about needs and first need is that everyone is adequately housed.

Landlubber2019 · 21/02/2026 07:03

I think it depends on where the current mortgage payments come from and will he have sufficient income to get himself accomodation?

EvangelineTheNightStar · 21/02/2026 07:05

Are you going to take on the full mortgage or pay him rent?
how will he house him self with no equity?

Original poster

LetaLestrange · 21/02/2026 07:11

We are getting house valued next week. If he forced sale now then after the mortgage is paid off he definitely would not be able to buy anything else. There isn’t enough equity to buy outright and he’d struggle to get much of a mortgage due to age.

If we didn’t sell and I stayed here, I can pay this mortgage alone and he could afford to rent something

OP posts:

Shittyyear2025 · 21/02/2026 07:21

Courts REALLY don't like mesher orders and a clean break is much more usual.

That said you have a child with SEN so could be considered.

Realistically can you afford ALL the bills for the house by yourself, should the only contribution from your stbx be CMS? Mortgage, council tax, gas, water,electric, phones, insurance, maintenance/DIY? On your salary/CMS/UC top-up?

millymollymoomoo · 21/02/2026 07:26

Will depend on

how much equity is tied up
both yoir earnings
other assets
wherher he agrees this or not

and in 10 years you’ll owe him a % based on the value of the house then not what it’s worth now.

plus you think it’s fine for him to now rent forever but not you.

Will the mortgage company allow you to take him off it and take over over all the mortgage ?

if he agrees it would probably go through
if he contests it’s and you end up in court it will likely only be approved is there literally is no other option to house you

Original poster

LetaLestrange · 21/02/2026 07:38

Yes I could afford it all alone. I won’t have loads to spare, but I can do it. I’ve spoken to the bank about the mortgage and in theory they’re happy for me to take it on.

I think he will agree that this is the best thing for the kids. But he won’t like it as he’ll see it as me coming out of it better than him. Although seeing as I’ll be on my own with 2 kids and no family in this country, my life isn’t exactly going to be a barrel of laughs.

OP posts:

DudeWheresMyBra · 21/02/2026 07:47

You would be coming out better than him though @LetaLestrange .. he is losing kids and home. Whilst it might feel fair the kids, do you think this is a fair arrangement on him? I think he’d be justified in feeling it’s not!

Renting is dead money. So, maybe pool rent and mortgage and split down the middle so he retains an interest in the house. Still shit for him though.

millymollymoomoo · 21/02/2026 07:55

What equity are we taking about ?
have you both considered any other assets , pensions etc ?

Original poster

LetaLestrange · 21/02/2026 08:02

I do understand it’s shit for him. But if he digs his heels in and insists we sell now then he’s making it a lot shitter for his children, whilst not really gaining much himself. He’d just be putting everyone in a shit position, instead of just him.

He won’t be buying a place either way - whether we sell now or in 10 years. There isn’t enough equity and he’d struggle to get a mortgage due to his age.

But that sounds like a good idea to share rent and mortgage so he can retain an interest in the house, thank you.

OP posts:

Soontobe60 · 21/02/2026 08:02

LetaLestrange · 21/02/2026 07:11

If we didn’t sell and I stayed here, I can pay this mortgage alone and he could afford to rent something

Don’t forget - in 10 years time he would be entitled to half the value of the house at that point.

Soontobe60 · 21/02/2026 08:03

DudeWheresMyBra · 21/02/2026 07:47

Renting is dead money. So, maybe pool rent and mortgage and split down the middle so he retains an interest in the house. Still shit for him though.

As long as the house is owned as joint tenants, then he will always retain an interest in it, regardless as to whether he contributes towards the mortgage or not.

Passaggressfedup · 21/02/2026 08:11

He won’t be buying a place either way - whether we sell now or in 10 years. There isn’t enough equity and he’d struggle to get a mortgage due to his age
Are you sure about that? How about a brdroom flat in a cheap area? He is working and banks now offer deals until people are in their 70s.

DonewhatIcando · 21/02/2026 08:12

@LetaLestrange
My experience of going to court with dsis as her McKenzie friend for her financial order.

Courts don't like mesher orders, they like a clean financial break.

Your DC won't be taken into consideration, dsis was of the opinion that she may be able to keep the house as her dd is disabled and dsis is her carer and unable to work, the judge wasn't interested.

Dsis had bought her house before she even met her now Ex, that wasn't taken into account either.

Dsis got a 60/40 split in her favour, not enough to buy anything else, she can't get a mortgage due to being on benefits, she has an IVA due to family debt that the ex refused to help pay so she has no credit rating.

Dsis has to put her home on the market with nowhere to go, council won't house her due house sale funds, she'll be expected to use the funds to rent privately, her benefits will stop as she'll be expected to live on the funds.

Dsis worked all her life until dd became disabled and is now going to lose everything she's worked for.

I would buckle up if I were you, plan for the worse.

My experience of having two Dsis and a couple of friends divorced is that the ex is rarely reasonable, they want their money, they want what they deem is "fair", housing and caring for the joint DC is not their problem, school holidays, sickness is not their problem, it's yours.

Their job is too pay as little as possible, see them as little as possible (EOW) and play the martyr.

I may be a little jaded but this is what I've lived through.

EvangelineTheNightStar · 21/02/2026 08:14

LetaLestrange · 21/02/2026 08:02

He won’t be buying a place either way - whether we sell now or in 10 years. There isn’t enough equity and he’d struggle to get a mortgage due to his age.

But that sounds like a good idea to share rent and mortgage so he can retain an interest in the house, thank you.

Are you considerably younger or a higher earner?

DudeWheresMyBra · 21/02/2026 08:15

Soontobe60 · 21/02/2026 08:03

As long as the house is owned as joint tenants, then he will always retain an interest in it, regardless as to whether he contributes towards the mortgage or not.

Show quote history

I know. I meant ongoing/same as OP. While OP gets a to share the burden of rent.

Original poster

LetaLestrange · 21/02/2026 08:20

He could probably get a 1-bed flat in a rubbish area, but I don’t think he’d want to. And he’s been saying he wants something with space for the kids to stay.

He would not get a mortgage past retirement age as his pension provision is crap. I am younger and mine is very good so I would.

Our FT salaries are similar (him a bit more than me) but I have had to reduce hours a bit due to DC’s SEN.

This has been helpful to get some perspective, thank you all

OP posts:

millymollymoomoo · 21/02/2026 08:30

He’ll be retaining his share in the fmh if you get a mesher - irrespective of the fact he’s not paying the mortgage. That’s the whole point! Because you are tying up his capital and he can’t invest it elsewhere he’s retaining it . Say he’s awarded 50%. You take on full
mortgage and bills for next ten years, then sell, he’s entitled to 50% of the equity at that point including Any capital appreciation. And that’s fair because you’ve had sole use of his asset and capital and he’s had to rent and can’t take that money and Invest it elsewhere

millymollymoomoo · 21/02/2026 08:31

You also need to consider your pensions / if yours is better and you are younger you’ll most likely be looking at some sort of pension share to him. …. Or trading that off for less equity share ….

Grumpyeeyore · 23/02/2026 15:42

The court would be looking at you both being able to house the dc. If there is not much equity then it would be far better financially to buy him out now and then keep 100% of any new equity built up. By delaying him getting his share then every time you make a mortgage payment for the next 10 years you are gifting him % of that payment plus the existing equity. If the buy out would not be huge look at maximising your income and maybe extending the term of the mortgage to make it affordable to buy him out now. Your pension will also be in the pot to be shared.

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