How can I cope?

[MrsB1974]

I am writing this in tears. I have had the loveliest life with my husband and little dog. We were so blessed with everything we had and I was so thankful everyday.
My husband had a heart attack 4 months ago and he was doing really well. We again were so positive and thankful. He then got a tumour which is luckily benign but two weeks ago he got really angry and told me he wanted a divorce. I was getting a workman in to do some work but my husband had stuff to do first. I rang him to see if the workman could come and he hung up on me before I could finish saying that if it didn’t suit then it was ok. When I got home, he had done the initial work which was strenuous and he shouldn’t have done it. He got so angry with me, told me I was treating him like dirt and he wanted a divorce.
He hasn’t spoken to me since apart from to say he’s leaving once he gets somewhere to go.
I didn’t meant to put so much pressure on him as I know he isn’t well but he didn’t and won’t give me a change to explain.
We had so many plans for retiring early and going travelling and now they are all gone. I am totally devastated and can’t see a way through this.
My whole world is shattered and I don’t really understand how this has happened. I was so thankful for our life every single day and so positive.

Aw, you poor soul. I've read that after a heart attack going through a period of depression/personality change for a while can be reasonably common.

When dealing with someone else's depression, all I can advise is to just be there, let them talk, try to encourage them outside & to move & meet friends & eat well with as good sleep habits as possible. Try not to engage when they rant and really look after yourself so you can stay calm and weather a hopefully short lived storm.

If you were previously a loving couple, hopefully this will come right. You've both had such a lot to deal with.

Really hoping the dust settles for you both and you get to enjoy some of time away to reconnect in due course.

https://www.heartfoundation.org.au/your-heart/support/feelings-and-emotions-after-a-heart-attack

You probs know all this, but just incase helpful

He has totally made up his mind he is going and won’t listen to my explanation. I can’t eat or sleep and am just so sad. I didn’t see it coming, neither did any of our friends who are just as shocked as me.

I feel as if I have read everything. I was putting it down to his heart attack and giving him the benefit of the doubt but today he started packing. I am heartbroken.

He’s asked for a divorce because you asked him if a workman could come in?? Eh?
This is not about the workman.
This is about 2 major health scares on a short time. He is scared, possibly depressed and evaluating his life. Hopefully he’ll snap out of it and you’ll be able to work on going forward together.

I do believe it is about his health but he won’t talk to me or anyone. He is so angry and his mind is well and truely made up.

I’m so sorry. Is he on any new medication?

My DH has a benign pituitary tumour. He was put on medication and it caused a complete change in personality.

No, just his normal medication, although my friend did suggest I read the side effects. Thank you for the reminder.

What kind of ages are you?

Has he ever been this angry before for such a long time? Is he angry with everyone or just you?

Please do. I went through 10 years of hell before I made the link with his medication. It wasn’t a sudden change, it gradually built up. As soon as the doctor took him off them, he was back to normal in a few days. It would definitely be worth talking to his doctor. x

I also think this is depression. When men get angry try and imagine instead that he is crying. Their strong emotions can come out differently.

he owes you a calm explanation / discussion if he really means it. But he’s not able to. And may feel trapped / overwhelmed. A bit of space and support.

it feels impossible but he is not able to look after you just now. You need to get that support elsewhere and help him get that support too.

I hope very much he calms down and it works out or at the very least you get a better understanding when emotions are running less high.

he is no doubt very scared and stressed. He may have had an epiphany and decided he wants a different life. Or he may have decided you deserve a different one (not saying this is right or fair but could be where his head is at). Space and love cannot steer you far wrong here.

I am 51 and he is 52. He has never been angry for this long before and it is with everyone, not just me. He sometimes has a short fuse as he had PTSD from being in the army but that has never been a problem.

Didnt you take the advice that was given to you on your last thread about this?

This is an identical post.

I have been giving him space and support but he won’t admit he has a problem nor will he talk to anyone. I have spoken to his doctor and he said unless he is suicidal there is nothing he can do. He isn’t suicidal, he’s currently packing his stuff!

Where is he going? Does he have a plan that at least half makes sense of somewhere to stay? So he is safe, rather than sleeping/freezing in his car etc

Wise words from others.

All I can add, having witnessed the roller coaster of someone else's depression on a long term relationship, just because someone packs a bag does not mean it is forever. Try to stay calm, even if none of it makes sense (and in all honestly, that is the best way to describe it - it is just senseless, but nonetheless happening, until suddenly it isn't and then you wonder - what was that all about? At least, I hope it works out that way for you).

Most importantly, be kind to yourself, look after yourself, hang in there.

Yes I did but the situation has got worse, in that he s definitely leaving and packing his stuff. I took the advice onboard to call his doctor and there is nothing they can do unless he asks for help or is suicidal. This new post is to ask how can I cope with him leaving me, rather than asking how I can help him.

He doesn’t know where he is going yet, just that he is looking for somewhere. I don’t want to give myself false hope that he will change his mind. I need to come to terms with this and try to cope.

Do you have joint finances?