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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Have I ruined their life?

11 replies

Lorelai123 · 18/02/2026 12:01

I separated from my exp after Christmas so this is all still fairly new. We have two young children and have been trying to navigate how we split them throughout the week, so far things have been relatively amicable between us and decision making has been easy (to my complete surprise). The kids are fine when they’re with me, they don’t seem overly unsettled and don’t necessarily ask for dad but when they’re with him it’s a different story at least for my youngest. My older boy seems to be just happy with the arrangement as long as he knows where he’s going from one day to the next, where he’s sleeping and who collects him from school (SEND so loves a routine) however my 3 year old is struggling without me. He asks for mummy constantly, always wants to know when he’s coming back and has a lot of tantrums when with dad and honestly it breaks my heart.
Exp has called this the wake up call he needed to change his patterns of frankly shitty behaviour over the majority of our 10+ year relationship, he’s sorry, he will be better and he loves me. Now I will give credit where it’s due he has stepped up for the kids right from the moment of the breakup (couldn’t do it when we were together but apparently that should be left in the past) so now in his words “I’ll make you happy I’ve learned my lesson and it’s better for everyone if we’re together”.
I’m really finding this hard, I don’t want to go back and certainly don’t want an intimate relationship with him. I’m happy to coparent positively but I just can’t bring myself to go back, but then am I putting MY want and need over my children’s? I hate that my little boy is struggling without me and I feel like I’m ruining his life. Should I have just sucked it up and lived miserably to save my children’s upset? I feel really really sad for him. Would love to hear from anyone going through the same.

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Inopensight · 18/02/2026 12:31

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Inopensight · 18/02/2026 12:32

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Myfridgeiscool · 18/02/2026 12:37

Remember the reason you don’t want to be with him.
He's finally having to do some parenting and is struggling, he wants the easy life again….for you to do it!
Look at the arrangements again to see if you can make some changes short term, why is 3 year old unhappy with dad?

Lorelai123 · 18/02/2026 12:56

Myfridgeiscool · 18/02/2026 12:37

Remember the reason you don’t want to be with him.
He's finally having to do some parenting and is struggling, he wants the easy life again….for you to do it!
Look at the arrangements again to see if you can make some changes short term, why is 3 year old unhappy with dad?

I can’t say he’s “unhappy” per se but he’s just such a mummy’s boy through and through. He has spent his entire 3 years having me meet pretty much all of his needs (dad just decided to take a huge backseat with him and let me take over it all which was one of the main reasons for the split alongside many others) so now naturally without me there he’s struggling

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 18/02/2026 13:00

If you don't want an intimate relationship and there's no love left there is no going back.

noidea69 · 18/02/2026 13:06

Sounds more like he's wanting to comeback because he's finding it hard dealing with an upset 3 year old.

Even giving benefit of doubt and he is genuine and about changing ways, its very early on in the split.

Give it a couple of months, and his new girlfriend will be in his ear saying that kids should be with their mum more often.

Lorelai123 · 18/02/2026 13:13

ZenNudist · 18/02/2026 13:00

If you don't want an intimate relationship and there's no love left there is no going back.

I just keep feeling like it shouldn’t matter how I feel or don’t feel, I’m putting what I want over how upset my child gets and that’s what I’m struggling with.

OP posts:
Rhaidimiddim · 18/02/2026 13:18

Myfridgeiscool · 18/02/2026 12:37

Remember the reason you don’t want to be with him.
He's finally having to do some parenting and is struggling, he wants the easy life again….for you to do it!
Look at the arrangements again to see if you can make some changes short term, why is 3 year old unhappy with dad?

This.

"better for everyone" = better for me, and the kids might be a bit more settled. Better for Lorelai doesn't even figure in his thinking.

Snorlaxo · 18/02/2026 13:21

He’s trying to get out of looking after the 3yo imo. If you reconciled, you’ll find yourself in the same situation again.
What contact pattern do you have? Maybe the younger one needs to see dad a little less for now?

Thundertoast · 18/02/2026 13:30

What a child wants in this moment, now, is not whats right for a child long term, and its your job as parent to make sure you do whats best for them long term, so you have actually put your child first.

It is not good long term for a child to have a dad who doesnt bother with them, a mum who is unhappy, or a mum forcing herself to be in an intimate relationship out of any reason other than she wholeheartedly consents and wants to be there. This way, dad has had a wakeup call and mum gets to be happy and that is better for their longterm happiness and wellbeing and what they learn about relationships.

When talking or thinking about seperation, people often confuse what a child wants to happen with what needs to happen. Its tough seeing your child upset, but a child growing up thinking an unhappy relationship is normal is much more damaging to them than being unsettled moving between houses. When people grow up as children of seperation, the consequences are things like them holding resentment towards their parents. When people grow up watching an unhappy marriage, they end up in unhappy relationships themselves, which can end up impacting them for life, abuse, poverty. They end up taken advantage of, they might even end up as awful partners themselves. Needs over wants. You are doing the right thing.

Also - if he's serious, then surely he wouldnt want you to rush into such an important decision and would want time for him to make it up to his kids and focus on them, making up for him being shit previously, working on earning your trust back, which takes months/years - not weeks. He's finding it hard and just wants it to be easy, he isnt interested in whats right for you or the kods long term or he wouldnt be trying to rush back in.

Goldfsh · 18/02/2026 13:30

You aren't thinking about reconciling: you are thinking about putting up with a broken shitty relationship to make your child happy.

Is that what you want to model for him? Is that the marriage you want for your boy, when he is a man?

Unless you are gagging to leap into bed with your ex and rekindle your love, DO NOT GO BACK.

Time to forge a new way of doing things.

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