Advise needed for my case

[redvelvetalltheway]

Long story short, we currently live apart due to work. My STBXH lives in A and the children and I live in B, which is quite far, so he only comes during school holidays. He’s now leaving the marriage.

He wants to continue this arrangement without telling the children that we’re divorcing, at least until they’re “old enough to understand it better” (although I’m not sure when that would be). I’ve agreed for now because I know how devastating this will be for them — especially my younger one. At the moment, only very close family know. We still do “normal” family things together, spend Christmas together, etc.

But if I’m honest, it feels much more convenient for him. Whenever he’s in town, he stays at my place for free. I’m making emotional and practical sacrifices to maintain this setup, and I’m starting to feel it’s unfair.

We’ve just started divorce proceedings and I feel quite lost in many ways. I do have a solicitor — is this the kind of thing I should be discussing with them? How much do you actually tell your solicitor? Do you share everything, including emotional impact and mental health struggles, or do they just deal with the financial forms and negotiations?

I’m not really sure what their full role is beyond paperwork and negotiating settlements.

Any thoughts would be really appreciated.

I would have thought that your solicitor can only advocate for you if they are full possession of the facts?
If you seem to be happy with your stbx staying at yours, why would he push for anything else?

Please don’t go along with this, living this lie is not going to help your mental health and the children are going to feel lied to once they find out. It’s cruel that he’s even suggested it to you and it’s a form of control. Basically he gets to live a shiny new life, whilst you are stuck unable to move on.

Sounds like a terrible idea.
you can’t move on without life
the kids will be be - they’ll still see dad during Holidays as they do now

hecwants a divorce ? Fine. But the kids are told, you can agree arrangements for seeing the kids and where ( not your home ) and you move on with your life without him

I would not do this

It’s still very early stages — I’ve just completed my Form E and am waiting for his. I feel that I should explain to my solicitor how we reached this point, as I think it’s important for her to understand the background.

I do agree with you that this feels like a form of control. Throughout our marriage, there was always a pattern of that. It took a huge amount for me to break away from that dynamic and get to where I am now. Even my MIL agrees with me, which says a lot. I was deeply depressed at the time and really struggling mentally. In some ways, the current arrangement almost feels “easier” because I’m in a much better place personally now.

Part of me feels that this divorce is his way of revenge — because I finally found stability and a better life for myself. It feels unfair that my growth and recovery have somehow led to this divorce.

I don’t understand why he wants to stay at your house, other than I can see it may be easier for him. If he wants a divorce (I’m assuming he’s met someone new and they are demanding it) why should he get the benefits of being able to play happy families when he wants.

Solicitors are very expensive as emotional counsellers, not advised.

I am on good terms with my xH. I stay at xH's house when I visit the kids (adults now). This suits me & kids well, and xH often lets me know when he's away since we don't really get along lol, I can most comfortably visit when he's not there.

My gut feeling is you tell the kids NOW when they are too young to understand so also too young to worry about what it means, then demonstrate over years that you guys being divorced is fine. That both parents love them & worked to keep good relations for them & put them first.

Whether xH stays at yours is another issue. Can he sleep on sofa?

if you both know this is final, please stop him staying at yours, you need to protect your emotional health. I did the Christmas and occasions in first year or two and it became toxic. It was not right, it caused me emotional stress and I was so uncomfortable so I stopped it. I would recommend living your new reality and stop the faking it for children, however others will tell you it worked out well for them, the children knew parents not together, but everyone got a long. Only you will know. How old are the children?

That’s exactly what I was thinking too — it feels sort of ok-ish and manageable for now. We definitely don’t share a bed (and honestly we couldn’t even if we tried… he snores so badly it’s impossible!).

I don’t see it as a long-term thing though. The bit I’m really worried about is telling the kids, especially my younger one. I think he’ll take it quite hard, and that’s what’s playing on my mind the most.

My younger one is 8, and it’s not just his age — it’s his personality. He’s very attached to both of us and often says how much he loves Mum and Dad and our family. He even says it in front of us, which makes this so much harder.

It’s heartbreaking that this is happening, but I’m starting to accept that this is where we are now.

Your solicitor diesnt need to know the background, how you’ve arrived here ie anything. It makes no difference to them.

Will you be able to agree financial split between you ? If so you don’t need form e

your children will be fine knowing their parents are separated- especially as he’s away a lot now

The kids routine of seeing their dad won't change. Their routine of seeing yoh won't change. Your children still have a mum abd dad and a family.

Whst they gain is a mum who cab move on and be happy- that is priceless. If you lie about this you protect your husband over your kids knowing the truth, and i think you'd end up with most of the blame and feeling of betrayal as you are the main parent.

Boundaries- do you want him staying in your home? Do you want him dictating when he is coming and making your home avaliable? I personally wouldn't, I would want a line drawn in the sand and I think it's good for the kids also to see that line of how things have changed. But if you are okay with it then go ahead... the fact you've mentioned it means it doesn't sit right with you.

My younger one is 8, and it’s not just his age — it’s his personality. He’s very attached to both of us and often says how much he loves Mum and Dad and our family. He even says it in front of us, which makes this so much harder

I wonder if he says that so often because he's picking up that somethings not quite right between his parents?

I think that might be the case too.

If you are not happy with continuing the lie then don't, it's too complicated. I am mid-divorce after STBEH came out after 10 years together, 2 young kids, 4 and 7. Its been really hard, we are still living together while the house sells, but that's taking ages and he's now agreed to buy me out and I'll be moving into my own place in about 7 weeks time, I absolutely cannot wait.

The kids still have questions about things and I'm being as honest as possible, but its hard as we haven't told them about their dad being unfaithful or gay, just that we aren't happy living together. That can wait till they are older, but trust me, I cant wait for that day. I hate the lack of control I have, everything is to suit him it feels like he is running the narrative and if you agree to that then you'll have to dance to his tune for the next number of years that you keep the lie up

Your 8 year old isn’t stupid - they will know something isn’t quite right and their family isn’t like others hence why they mention it so much.
the biggest thing my child that age was upset aboit during my divorce was the perceived “lying” about the situation even when it was done to protect them. It still gets raised now. Don’t lie to them and stop letting him have his cake and eat it

You're allowing your ex to stay at yours so it's not down to a solicitor to tell him not to. You need to tell him that if you don't want it. If he somehow objects or tries to force you to let him then involve the solicitor.

There's no need for your ex to be sleeping at your house. He can get a hotel or air b&b. You can just say 'dad is staying in x place as it's more convenient'. If you still don't want to raise the divorce with the kids.

But you'll have to tell them eventually.

Absolutely not, he is a disgrace for even suggesting it. He wants to lie to your children, destroy any opportunity you might have to move on, all so he can carry on having his cake and eating it too? The answer is no, and you don't need or want a solicitor to deliver that message to him. He can make his own arrangements to see the children, its not your problem, its his, dont let him make it yours.

Solicitor is there to help negotiate the financial settlement. Use them as little as possible as they are very expensive and what you pay them, means less to go around. They are not your therapist, and if you use them as one its money down the drain. Get a counsellor if you need one, there are plenty who have divorce experience.

What is your financial situation, is the house owned or rented, will you have to sell it? You can get excellent financial advise here for divorce - which should help save you money on lawyers. Go to your meetings with lawyers well informed and clear on exactly what you want from them.

A financially good outcome for you is the best thing you can accomplish for your children, as they primarily live with you (and that looks like it will continue?) - so this is their standard of living as well as your own.