Living together when separated

[Klpos87]

Hi, after some advice please.

My ex and I were together for 16 years, he cheated multiple times and then told me he didn't want to be with me. He was verbally abusive and drank a lot (wasn't physical though. He said he would move out as he knows my financial position is terrible (no savings and a lot of credit card debt). I've tried to pay off my debt and save during this time, however I just can't build up enough funds to be able to move and pay rent for the children and I.

It's now been 3 years since we broke up. He still has not moved out. He goes away to his girlfriends most weekends and comes back on Sundays. However sometimes he will turn up in the middle of the night and bang on the doors until I let him. He's done that this weekend at 4am on Friday and saturday. He then goes to bed so I'm left to sleep on the sofa.

During the week isn't so much of a problem as he works nights and I work days and so we are on different schedules.

Ive asked him to agree to sell the house so I can at least get a 1 bed flat, so that the kids can at least have a bedroom (after all, I'm already sleeping on the sofa). He agreed as long as I arrange the viewings etc. I did this, had photos and then when I told him, he kicked off. Literally screamed at me from 7pm in the evening until 7am the following morning. I had to tell the estate agent not to list it and so I'm back to square one.

I can't move out as I have no money, my financial position is terrible so I can't get a loan and I don't have family or friends who can support me, either financially or by offering the kids and I somewhere to stay. I'm literally stuck.

On top of this, he is not reliable. He promises to do things with the children but then goes to the pub or his girlfriends instead. When I had a family event last year, my ex promised to look after the dog but then my neighbour called to tell me my ex had gone away and he noticed my dog was on her own, so he had taken her to his house until I got back.

I literally cannot do anything. I suppose I should also add that my dog is technically his, he bought her at the tail end of our relationship to "make sure I can't go out anymore" (his words).

Does anyone have any advice please on what I can do? It's all too much and I hate that my children are stuck in this position because I made poor financial decisions when I was young. Thanks for reading.

Can you put your name down for a council house or a private rental (you might be eligible for housing benefit) and once you're out of the house you could go to court to get control of the sale.

It would be helpful to know a little more about the situation. How much equity is there in the house. Do you work at all? Have you got an estimate of what benefits you would get if you were separated? How much and how does he currently contribute to the home? Have you done an estimate of how much child support you would get when separated?

That will give everyone a better steer on next steps. There are next steps it is just a matter of seeing which ones are viable and best for you.

Things you should look into

1. an occupation order. This will allow you to stay in the family home and exclude him from living there until the divorce is settled. You can also apply to the court to have a non molestation order to stop him harassing you in the house.
2. Benefits and child support. If you are financially separated you can claim benefits. This would apply even if he continued to stay in the house as long as you paid you half of the bills.
3. Mesher order. An option used in divorces to defer the sale of the family home when it the only way to adequately house the children. You would divorce and he would not have any rights to live in the house whilst retaining a financial interest. It is still used by courts if the situation warrants it.
4. Sale of the house. This would release equity and mean you had money to live off. It isn’t a great one because you would not be able to claim benefits with savings over 16k. But once the money is depleted you would be entitled. It’s not the end of the world if this happens as your life would improve a lot
5. working. Long term it would be better for you to work and even if you are initially part time you would get benefits.

You are not stuck. It just might take time and effort to resolve these things. But you must push forward by applying for a divorce and an occupation order at least. At the moment you are going nowhere. It is better to be moving forward slowly. If he kicks off, use this as evidence for an occupation order.

Hello, thank you so much for your reply.

There is approx 100k equity in the house, however as he put the whole deposit down I believe I'd only be entitled to about 30/40%. Either way it would help short term.

I work full time and I wouldn't be entitled to any benefits.. I've enquired and unfortunately I'm not eligible.

Re my ex,s contribution, I've been quite lucky in that he pays out mortgage. Whilst our mortgage is technically 50/50, I pay all the other bills and he pays that.

Re child support, when I looked on a calculator it said he should be paying around 700 per month. However, he is self employed and has made it clear that if I asked for it he would cut down his hours.

On top of this, we have never been married so as far as I'm aware I wouldn't be entitled to much support, if any?

If you didn’t enter a Deed of Trust when you bought the house, you’re entitled to 50%. You can apply to the court for an order for sale, and costs against him.

Once you’re out of there, I would definitely put a claim in to CMS - Let him reduce his hours down.
He sounds abusive to me.

You need to find out how the property is owned.

even if you are not married there are routes to you securing the right to stay in the property. It isn’t a mesher order as you aren’t married.

Hi OP just wanted to suggest that you contact a domestic abuse organisation for support with your situation, the example that you have given where you were verbally attacked for 12 hours and the dog sounds very abusive and controlling.

Have you completed the universal credit calculator online.
What is your yearly salary? Do you have savings? How many children, do you pay for any child care.

Thank you all for your comments. I earn above the threshold for entitlement to UC and my savings are minimal, around £700. I'm trying to squirrel away a little bit each month, at least the cover a deposit on a rental as a short term fix. I have two children, both at GCSE age and I pay for anything they need. I'm also of the understanding that my ex would only be required to pay CM up until the children leave FT education, is that correct?
I am a bit cautious about contacting a domestic abuse charity, as I've heard they involve socially services and blame can be shifted to the abused and frankly I think I'm too delicate to deal with that? I don't want my children to be negatively impacted, which is why I probably come across as a bit of a doormat.