Am I being unreasonable re holiday booking/ communication with STBXH?

[fuuuuckthis]

STBXH had an affair and left 1.5 yrs ago. Teen DC and I remained in house. Once divorce settlement is finalised house will get sold.
He has never had the dc overnight (was at his parents, now in a flat). Does not do any cooking, laundry etc, no day to day care. Sees them regularly on his own schedule (pops in, takes them out for lunches etc). Attends school apts etc but I do all the admin.
I have booked a short break with dc at easter hols (2 nights) and messaged him to let him know, as last time I took them away (6 mths ago, 2 nights for my birthday) he was very angry I hadn't run it by him first.
So I sent the message to say I've booked 2 nights on x dates, that leaves at least 10 days of the hols you can take them away if you want.
Replied with a barrage of abuse.
Doubting myself- should I have checked this with him?

As he pops in and out when he feels like it how are you meant to know if it affects him or not? Chances are not by the sounds of it. I'd book whatever the hell I wanted if child's dad was only a quick visitor and all he was offering them was lunch. You can't keep yourself and DC home at all times on the off chance he'll "pop in"

Has he said why he needs to know? Had ideas for Easter plans? Or just wants to control you?

Absolutely no way do you need to run anything by him and in the future I just wouldn’t bother.

Tbh I wouldn't have even told him the dates in the first place and simply would have dropped that info on him nearer the time if he asks to have them then.
He doesn't get to have any say in your life.
Not a single thing.

Thank you all, this is what I feel, and because we haven't finalised anything yet, I'm trying to always keep the moral high ground and do things "right". So 2 months notice of a 2 night trip!

Sorry re reading my op I realise I wasn't clear...I am also trying to go away a separate 2 nights...this is what he's really pissed off with. I haven't asked him to take the kids, but suggested it would be nice if he could, but I'll make other arrangements if he doesn't.

He sounds like a loser.
Your teens are old enough to decide who they want to spend time with and seeing as he NEVER has them, I'm not sure why you're even giving him the time of day about this holiday?

He is😅
He SEES them regularly, but does not have them overnight or have any responsibility for them at all really.
2 separate issues i suppose...I'd like him to watch them when I'm away (2 nights)
Then when I take them, I was just being polite in letting him know, and giving him the dates so he could take them away too if he wished.

Why do you think he's going to offer to have the children while you go away alone if he never has them for sleepovers? I would be making alternative plans for childcare and I'd stop giving him any headspace.

I would say to him if he is unable to have them those dates that's fine and you will sort something else out. Don't engage any further than that. You have given him first 'dibs' (which sounds an awful way to to express it but you know what I mean). All this assuming the teens themselves are happy to stay with him?

Which one is upsetting him? The you going away without kids bit?? I’d reply ‘re my planned nights away on the night of x may and y June, can I confirm that you don’t want to have the kids stay for either of those nights? I will make other plans. Not sure why you’re upset. If you send me any more abusive messages I will move all communication to email only.’

what a waste of space

You wouldn’t be unreasonable to have booked the whole 2 weeks away with them and not told him to be honest. He ‘pops in and out’ - so no agreement to break then. Try doing less communicating with him unless he specifically asks something. You are trying to be reasonable and he is taking advantage of you.
If you want to go away without the children, arrange babysitting, you cannot rely on him. He would be likely to cancel the day before anyway just to mess you about.

That's almost word for word what I've replied @99bottlesofkombucha...just please confirm if you don't want to have them on x dates so I can make alternative arrangements. Awaiting response!

The rest of you are right tho...i do need to stop factoring him in. I do like to give him first dibs @dammit88, just out of courtesy and also to give him the opportunity to step up for their sakes. But i think that's a waste of time really

Will this be easier when we are actually divorced and it's written into a piece of paper somewhere how much he actually should be seeing them? Even if thats never?

It won’t get written in how much he should see them. That would be in a cao. And if they’re teens it’s highly unlikely that you’d have one as the children are deemed capable of deciding where and when they go.

have you actually ever discussed a more regular and overnight pattern with him ?(and your children?) I mean if you stayed in the house and he didn’t have anywhere to take them he’s not necessarily unreasonable in popping in.

but I wouldnt accept the abuse

Okay, this makes it clearer.

I'm going to assume your ex is a Narc and/or is abusive.
The reason he's angry is because you're going away without the kids, how very dare you. So of course because he doesn't know who with, he has chucked his toys out the pram (don't tell him who with, none of his business and even if it's a new partner it's fuck all to do with your ex!)

I totally understand, unfortunately.

Some people will use the children/childcare as a form of coercive control... Sorry you are dealing with this.

You could go to court and get a childcare arrangement order thing.

Or message him and say "you never having your children overnight doesn't work for me, so now you're in your own place we need to set up a regular arrangement"... HOWEVER.. If he's a shit Dad, then you might unfortunately have to accept that he won't step up seeing as he's proven that so far.

If they are teens I can’t see the point in a set arrangement and would leave dc and him to make their own arrangements. He can break the agreement anyway with no consequence and it would tie you and dc to set times when you have to make them available but he could just not show up.

You only need his consent to take children abroad not a break in uk.

My life got less stressful when I just made my own arrangements and ignored exH. You cant force someone to be a good coparent. Also dc will know if he doesn’t really want to be looking after them - my dc describe exH as getting parenting fatigue within about 3 hours of them being at his place! Do you have friends or family who can step in? What about his parents are they involved (or would like to be) with their grandchildren?

Thanks all.
@millymollymoomooi haven't, and i need to, but honestly he's so unreasonable i have just avoided it. The thought of having any kind of discussion with him makes me feel sick.
At first I just presumed he'd step up, then when he didn't we've just got on with it.

His parents are nice and still involved on a surface level but I couidnt ask them and think it would be horribly awkward for the kids. My mum more elderly and shies away from any "child care" related asks...i never ask her any more tbh as it's so difficult.

I am determined to get this 2 nights away but I feel so guilty about the dc

2 nights away from teenage children is perfectly reasonable and you have no reason to feel guilty (provided adequate child care in place of course)

Don’t waste any more headspace on him.

He’s pissed off because how dare you be that type, the UPPITY FEMALE and have the temerity to have IDEAS and PLANS. He doesn’t consider you as anything, really, you are just a lump on a log to him.

Carry on with your life.

Stop telling him stuff

I agree with all of you! There are a couple of sticking points tho..

• we havent started financial negotiations yet and I want to "keep him sweet" up to a point
• we share care of the dog...so if I go away it needs looking after too
• I don't want to have an openly hostile relationship in front of the kids

If he operated like a "normal" separated dad, taking his kids at regular scheduled time, I'd just go away when they were with him
But they are never with him!

He can’t be kept sweet, he isn’t sweet.
can you find someone else to take care of the dog? Then you can say very reasonably ‘appreciate it may not suit for you to have the dog that night, I have a friend who can have him but let me know if you’d like to’
(so he’ll have his dog but not his kids- what a reminder that he’s an enormous arse)
that also builds the foundations for him not being able to control you through the dog and for you to say if it’s not convenient for you to have the dog when he wants you too. But if you share the dog like you share the kids then he doesn’t share the dog and he’s just controlling you and you need to say since we have been separated x months and you haven’t had dog for a night once it’s clear the dog is mine as it’s only carer, and i have updated details with the vet. (Assuming you want the dog)

I think he'd take the dog sooner than he'd take the kids tbh...
I could honestly do without having the dog but the kids would be devastated...more so than when their dad moved out!