Advice around letting guy my ex wife cheated with be around our kids and how much to share with friends?

[OnWeGoToBetterLife]

My ex-wife has shared that she's now in a relationship with the guy that she cheated on me with and I am really conflicted about how to manage things around the kids. We co-parent our 4 and 6 year olds pretty well and amicably these days after 2 years of separation. But now she has revealed that this guy is in her life still and wants to have him start being more openly in the kids life.

3 years ago my wife started new job after parental leave and a few weeks later she went out and cheated on me (I couldn't see it at the time, I thought she was just drinking too much, but discovered many months later it was cheating) and overnight became really different person.

Kids were 1 and 3 at time and i'd been super hands on dad, with ex demanding I "need to do everything because she can't cope". I've always wanted to be super present Dad so was happy to be 'primary parent' even though working full time from home, but before she cheated and changed id been begging for some mental space. One thing stuck in my mind is when I asked if I could take 1 day a month to just go do something like a big walk in the countryside, her response was "no effing way, I can't cope for a whole day solo on the kids" and also if I ever took the dog for a walk longer than 15 mins, I would get texts/calls asking when I'd be back. It crushed me and I let it.

We started marriage counselling and I would try all the things we agreed through that but she kept changing the issues. I was dancing on broken ice but desperately clinging on to try to save the marriage (I look back now and think 'why?!?!' - I totally lost myself and became a doormat). All the while, she was going out multiple times a week after work, coming home drunk, drinking at home and being nasty to me. But still I kept trying to help bring the woman I married back.

Then about 9 months in, I found evidence she was having an emotional affair with a colleague. Confronted her about this and she lied, then lied some more, then lied more. She started telling an alternative version of everything to friends and her family but I chose silence as I wanted to focus on making sure kids were okay and on my own sanity.

We seperated, living in different houses and 50:50 co-parenting. I believe it's important for the kids to do 50:50 if you can and hoped the seperation would give her space to actually BE with the kids and maybe space to reflect and take accountability for her destructive actions. So far it seems to have been good on the kids front, although between us she has never taken true accountability for all the lies and the cheating, she always rationalises it as "we have incompatibility issue" which is true but I feel a seperate issue to her being a liar and cheat and her behaviour having been deeply damaging and abusive in many ways.

I always assumed she'd still been seeing this guy and was okay with her building a new life (I have zero desire for reconciliation/repair of relationship, I can see she treated me horribly) recently she told me he'd met the kids, introduced as a friend and nothing more. I told her that my immediate feeling is I do not want him, as someone with disgusting character flaw (that he embarked on an affair with a married mother of a 1 and 3 year old), around our children but I can't (and ultimately don't want to) stop her living a full life.

The issue I have is really this. It's been hard enough co-parenting with someone who I know is a cheat and a liar, incapable of taking accountability. Now there's potential to be co-parenting with 2 cheats and liars being around the kids. How do I manage this mentally and practically?

Also, I find it really hard keeping silent in it all when trying to build new friendships with local people (we moved to a new area when seperating and are both getting to know all the same people). I also miss the in-laws family and our old friends who I know she has manipulated almost as much as me. I struggle with holding her secrets inside but feel it's best as I want the kids to see both parents living full and positive lives. I have nobody to share things with though so it gets very very hard. Am I letting my desire for the kids to have a positive life in the face of seperate homes, and all the challenges that throws up, create a life for me where I can't be my whole self and build deeper friendships?

Any advice on setting boundaries for the role the cheat guy plays in my kids life?

Any advice on how to navigate building friendships so I can share what I'm going through and live a true and fill life without risking the town gossip causing damage to my ex reputation?

I know that most people assume, as the Dad, I did the dirty and they assume she as the Mum is the more engaged parent (birthday invites and those small things go to her for example) and it's really hard seeing her move on free of guilt...
I was bought up to respect honesty, integrity, accountability so I'm really struggling. Any advice would be great.

There's literally nothing you can do to prevent him being in your kid's lives, sorry.

You sound like a "living saint" OP

I'm sorry you've been through this. I would find it hard also.

im not sure what you can do tbh as its within her time with the kids.
its always going to sting i think with him being the one she cheated with.
but, the kids don't know that. So whilst it hurts for you, they are unaware of how this situation happened.

Yes, unfortunately you have absolutely no say in who she brings into her life or introduces her kids to. Similar happened with my husband’s ex wife. She married the bloke she cheated with less than a year after she left. It was very hard for my husband. A few years after that he met me. He was treading on eggshells trying to not lose contact with his child. His ex was quite nasty, trying to insist the child spent Father’s Day with her new husband rather than his dad. And when we got married she tried to stop him coming. Thankfully we just plodded through it, and as he’s got older things have settled down (she split from her second husband a couple of years after they married, which calmed things down, and her subsequent live in partners haven’t been forced as new dads!).
You just have to enjoy your time with your son and not worry about the other half of his life too much.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Have you had paternity tested?

This is really difficult but ultimately you can only control your responses to the behaviour, you can’t control the behaviour. Your own values aren’t compromised by someone else’s choices.

these truths have a way of coming to the surface eventually, but I don’t think you’d have got much vindication from your ex in laws knowing you are the wronged party. Whatever happened / happens in the future, she is their daughter first.

I hope your children are adjusting well to the 50/50.

how small is the area you live in, if concerns about gossip are a real issue?

Regarding confiding in people, what happened to your former friendships? Why would it be the new people you’d like to meet that you would like to share your feelings with? New friendships develop by common interest or a mutual liking, it’s not ideal to go straight in with authentic ‘my ex cheated and I’m a mess about it’ sort of thing. If you chose silence to family and friends who no doubt know you best and how to support you, why the desire now for sharing with new people who you don’t have the foundation of friendship with?

you don’t know that she’s moved on free of guilt. Perhaps she has, perhaps she’s ashamed. But it doesn’t change the outcome that she’s moved on, and her feeling a way won’t change your situation, although of course it’s nice for somebody to be sorry.

@OnWeGoToBetterLife you really have to love your children more than you hate your ex wife.

He owed you nothing, it was your ex wife who made the choice to cheat.

By making co-parenting difficult and being obstructive, ultimately, you are only punishing the children.

It is they who will suffer if their Mum and Dad can't be adult enough to negotiate, an already difficult situation, without drama and vitriol. Don't you think?

You make such a good point for me to reflect on about why the desire to share everything with new people. I think it's partly to do with I've always built deep friendships on not having secrets so this is all new to me. Maybe just need to keep getting used to it. The focus on trying to just move past it more fully is where I feel I need to put my energy eh.

I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm 40 and my mum tried to ban my step mum from our lives when I was age 3+. It was so toxic and traumatic that I'm currently in therapy. And guess what - she's still bitter about it. They're both old ladies now!

My relationship with my mum is not close or good. Because she won't let it go.

Please keep your thoughts and feelings away from the kids and focus on your 50% 💐

You can't set boundaries for the role he will play in your children's lives. You can provide them with a stable home life the fifty percent of the time they are with you.

My best friends dh left her for a much younger woman. Since then he's had probably twenty girlfriends in two years and he's introduced the dc to every one of them. He's lived with most of them
however fleetingly. At least your ex seems to be beginning a committed relationship with someone she knows something about.

I definitely don't hate her, and advice to help make sure I do the right thing is why I posted here - to see if anyone has been through similar and worked out how to navigate best. I don't want to stand in way of her building a better life, so I'm not against him being around, it's just a hard thing to get my head around. I guess I'm looking for guidance about how to deal with it internally more than anything. My thinking is to feel good that the boys can see their mum grow and have a great life, but are there any pitfalls/risks to bear in mind.

Solid advice 😎

That's a REALLY helpful way to look at it, thank you

For them? No, assuming your ex-wife is an averagely responsible parent.

For you, I think therapy would be a good idea, to give you a place to explore your anger and bitterness about this.

Cheating can cause a type of ptsd (pisd) and there are books that can help if you feel traumatised (which is very normal).

Op just be honest and get involved with the children’s lives. If anyone asks what happened I’d say she chose to leave as she wanted something different from life but it’s upsetting snd although you are getting there and you really want to move on, it’s still a little hard to talk about. A good person will then change the subject. I am not a liar and I wouldn’t become a liar due to an ex. Happy to be vague but not outright lie.

Just get the kids to be open and honest and feel they can tell you anything. Mine are older but communication is so important. I gave mine a laminated card which says something along the lines of ‘remember I love you. If you are ever unsure whether to tell me something then please bring me this card as a reminder that there is nothing that you cannot tell me’. I call it the get out of jail free card.

And just remember the man didn’t get a prize he got a cheating woman to share his life with and that’s really not a prize. By knowing she was a cheat you are able to move on and maybe one day find a woman with similar values to you. Personally I think there are so many single people out there it just is not worth hooking up with someone who is a liar (and he knows she is a liar) so personally I would leave a date rather than spend time getting to know a cheat. It’s a waste of my time. So reframe your thought process. People aren’t daft and many probably realise she cheated with the new bloke.

Build a new life based on your life values. If you aren’t sure what your values are then Mark Manson has a great podcast on values. Refer to the values each day if you are struggling and rewrite every month or so and make your new chapter a bloody good one.

Music - create a playlist of songs from today forwards. Don’t include anything from before. So nothing you have ever heard before. If you are struggling or feel crap you can listen to it and it will remind you of happy times. Anything from films or shows or new albums.

Good luck.

With all respect, it's not your business. You can't control who sees your children. You also need to reflect that she behaved this way because she was unhappy in the relationship with you. You need to let her be happy.

This. Step parenting can be tricky at the best of times but my DM’s ex DH and new DW and vice cersa were all friends, so much so that they were witnesses at one of their weddings. I’m not going to lie and say it was all perfect as it wasn’t but being at loggerheads and never wanting a new partner to meet kids is never good.

Try to rebuild your new life and friends, I know it’s hard but just try. You never know you might meet a new woman one of these days too.

It sounds like the relationship was deeply unpleasant for you - so if I were you I would stop focusing so much on the cheating aspect of the ending. It needed to end anyway, from what you describe.

Now you just need to focus on building a positive co-parenting relationship, if you can.

Seeing your ex's partner as some uniquely evil individual isn't helpful, or realistic. He had an extra marital affair. Loads of people do. My parents did, and they were really good parents and I loved them dearly.

My ex did, and is now with his affair partner. I don't love her, but she isn't some kind of child abuser - I have no grounds to try to prevent her being in my child's life.

How we descrive things to ourselves often influences how we feel about those things. Your language is quite extreme - understandably, because you are upset, and I am not judging you for that.

But the more you can be measured and realistic about what has happened, the easier you'll find it to cope. Huge numbers of people have extra marital affairs. They aren't all irredeemably evil people. Huge numbers of people end up staying with their affair partner, at least for a while, so the affair partner ends up being around the kids. This isn't the end of the world.

I don't mean to dismiss your distress, and I hope it doesn't sound like I am doing so. I just think you need to see this for what it is. A lucky escape. You are now free to meet someone (if you desire another relationship, now or in the future) who treats you with dignity and respect. OR, you are free to enjoy the peace and autonomy that single life offers!

Good luck, OP.

Oh, and you won't ever be co-parenting with this guy. Kids have two parents. He will at most be your ex wife's husband. He will never be a parent to your kids, so don't torment yourself with that concept.

Oh, and (sorry, I keep noticing new bits of your OP) of course you can tell people your ex wife cheated. It's not the Victorian era - you won't "ruin her reputation". I realise Mumsnet is very hard on cheating partners, but in the real world in my experience, the majority of people, while not saluting cheating as an act of heroism, accept that it happens sometimes, and in a context, and tend to reserve judgement unless it directly impacts upon them.

Lots of people will be in your boat, and if you make new friends you'll be able to talk to them: why wouldn't you? However, people are not really interested in this kind of drama, and after two years, you sound very bitter still. While that's understandable, you need to come to terms with the past or you will drive yourself into an early grave.

I'd second the suggestions of counselling to resolve these issues so you can move on. You still sound as though you won't be happy until your ex has "suffered" enough - she probably won't, she will just go on to build her life and probably gives none of this any thought.

The best revenge is living well!