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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Leaving the bastard!

20 replies

NotYourAverageGiraffe · 10/02/2026 19:46

I just want to thank you ladies on here who advised me a few weeks ago when I posted about the state of my marriage, how I suspected I had been abused (and still being abused) financially and emotionally for many years, and how I suspected my husband may have cheated on me. I now know it doesn’t take being physical abuse to be broken down by a man.

I’ve been playing my cards very close to my chest, and he doesn’t know that anything has been different in our lives.

I went to an STI clinic, who confirmed I had chlamydia which confirms he had been cheating on me. I’ve had some antibiotics and am on the mend physically. Emotionally may take some time.

We live in a small town, and the next 2 towns over are small too. I have visited every solicitor firm in the area for the free 30 minutes advice.

Not only does this mean he can’t use them as there would be a conflict of interest, but I’ve had some amazing advice from them all.

I’ve got copies of all of his bank statements, pension statements and premium bond accounts hidden in a safe space that he cannot access. Ive also got copies of birth certificates, marriage certificates and photocopies of passports and driving licences.

I’m going for at least 70% of the house proceeds (I would not stay here, I hate it here now after all these years) as well as half his pension and savings. I’ve always put him first, worked part time around the children and disadvantaged myself financially to do this.

I’ve had an appointment with my bank and provided we get what is estimated online for our home, I could get a mortgage in principle for a small 2 bed place which would be enough for me and my daughter. My son would want to stay with his father, but he is off to university this September. He would always have space in my home, I’d convert the lounge to a bedroom of I had to.

I’ve cried enough over him, this is the last time he treats me like shit, last time he makes me doubt myself and what I’m worth.

I’m taking the bastard for all I can get - and he doesn’t have a clue it’s coming!

OP posts:
PashaMinaMio · 10/02/2026 20:01

Yes! Youre my kind of girl.

Many years ago I did something slightly similar. Played my cards very close to my chest.

I was working full time with a good salary and savings. Found a house, got a mortgage offer and slapped it on the kitchen table for him to see. He turned absolutely white.

After all the $hit he’d dished out I took my power back.

Divorced him for unreasonable behaviour. Never looked back.

Good luck OP.

Lorelai123 · 10/02/2026 20:08

This is amazing to read. Well done you!

Whyarepeoplesuchwankers · 10/02/2026 20:13

Well done OP! You sound very organised. Fingers crossed for your plan working out. Life after abuse is so freeing. It takes a while to find yourself, work out who you really are and what you do and don't like. It's worth it though. A two bedroom place with your DD sounds lovely. However small it may be you can still make it homely.

With your DS going to university perhaps you can start trying to have a more adult relationship with him instead of the parent/child one that's always been before. With more freedom to be himself and acceptance of his life and choices as an adult, he may feel more warmly towards you, even if he's upset about the breakup. Between the breakup and (moving out for?) university he's going to be doing a lot of growing up this year. It's a natural transition point into adulthood so hopefully he'll soon find his feet too. If your ex also buys a new two bedroom place perhaps that'll be easier on him than returning to the family home with his mother and sister gone.

Good luck to all of you anyway. 🍀

Pearlstillsinging · 10/02/2026 20:14

I like your style! I do think that making sure he can't use any of the local solicitors is a genius move.

ERthree · 10/02/2026 20:14

Bloody fantastic OP. Just remember how strong you are. Start stashing now, every time you do a supermarket shop buy a £10 gift card and hide it away. Please make sure you have a lovely bottle of Champagne to drink on the night you tell him to do one, 💐

DJKATIE · 10/02/2026 20:17

Well done you, stay strong, here's to a better and happier future.

BusyBeeeeee · 10/02/2026 20:20

Fabulous!! I love reading about strong empowering women.
You deserve happiness and peace; go and get it 🥳

BusyBeeeeee · 10/02/2026 20:21

Pearlstillsinging · 10/02/2026 20:14

I like your style! I do think that making sure he can't use any of the local solicitors is a genius move.

Definitely.. Epic move!

letshavetea · 10/02/2026 20:22

You’ve done amazingly well. When are you going to tell him. I hope you’re okay and feel safe?

littleredpiano · 10/02/2026 20:26

Whyarepeoplesuchwankers · 10/02/2026 20:13

Well done OP! You sound very organised. Fingers crossed for your plan working out. Life after abuse is so freeing. It takes a while to find yourself, work out who you really are and what you do and don't like. It's worth it though. A two bedroom place with your DD sounds lovely. However small it may be you can still make it homely.

With your DS going to university perhaps you can start trying to have a more adult relationship with him instead of the parent/child one that's always been before. With more freedom to be himself and acceptance of his life and choices as an adult, he may feel more warmly towards you, even if he's upset about the breakup. Between the breakup and (moving out for?) university he's going to be doing a lot of growing up this year. It's a natural transition point into adulthood so hopefully he'll soon find his feet too. If your ex also buys a new two bedroom place perhaps that'll be easier on him than returning to the family home with his mother and sister gone.

Good luck to all of you anyway. 🍀

Such good advice here. I’m in absolute awe of you OP. Well done for being so organised, calm and keeping your head…Not to derail the thread but can I ask how did you get copies of the bank statements? My counsellor is advising me to do an exit plan from my hubbie but I have no hope in getting any of OH bank statements. Everything is online and cloak and dagger. Does your OH have paper copies?

NotYourAverageGiraffe · 10/02/2026 20:30

@littleredpiano my husband is an accountant, he’s never switched to online only for his paperwork. Rooky move
for someone so intelligent as it will bite him on the ass when I’ve got access to it all so easily!

OP posts:
NotYourAverageGiraffe · 10/02/2026 20:31

@letshaveteaim not sure yet. After half term at the earliest. I feel safe, I have my father locally to assist if needed and my colleague has also offered me and my daughter a room in their house if needed

OP posts:
letshavetea · 10/02/2026 20:49

Glad you’re okay. Half term is nearly here! Can’t believe he still did paperwork the old fashioned way! When we were running our business that would have driven me nuts!

forcedtonamechange · 10/02/2026 20:51
Jason Sudeikis Yes GIF by Apple TV+

❤️❤️❤️

littleredpiano · 10/02/2026 20:53

I’m so glad you’ve got a plan. Please update us when you can and are safe to do so, really inspiring…and yes paper copies! Wow.

AutumnFroglets · 10/02/2026 21:39

Well done @NotYourAverageGiraffe

The only thing I can add is make sure all the childhood photographs are out of the house as those are utterly irreplaceable. If on cloud storage make sure you either have copies elsewhere (usb stick) or you are the only one with access/password. Same with any sentimental pieces of jewellery or ornaments.

Never underestimate how low and how cruel an abusive man can be.

LemonTT · 11/02/2026 11:12

The one thing I wouldn’t recommend doing is trying to prevent him having legal representation. The alternative is you having to deal with him directly.

It is always better for the 2 sides to have professional and expert representation than for one or both to representing themselves. Thats when you get erratic behaviour which the court will tolerate because of self representation.

sunshine47 · 11/02/2026 12:24

Good luck OP. Im really happy for your new life. Enjoy 😊

peachescariad · 11/02/2026 12:28

Woah! go OP! absolutely love what you've done 👏

Grumpyeeyore · 11/02/2026 14:57

Good for you. Do start moving things he won’t notice eg to your fathers. I’ve known men not allow their kids to take their bedroom furniture or anything from the house. Things like bedding and towels and spare kitchen stuff which would work out expensive if you had to completely start from scratch. You can always put it down to decluttering.
In terms of housing lots of old terraces will have 2 reception rooms where you can easily use one as a bedroom.
Also agree don’t forget digital stuff saving what you need, backing stuff up, changing passwords, using up reward points

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