How do I move on if my ex is still in contact with brother in law?

Beyondbroken · 2026-02-08T20:49:55+00:00

My husband of 10 years ended our marriage last month. He’s left me heartbroken. He had a personality change, became secretive and after months of me clinging on with hope of fixing things, he finished it. My family are deeply affected by it all. They were so convinced we’d work it out. We’ve always been so happy and my family adored him. But it’s over and I’m trying to put on a brave face for the sake of my family and also to not make my husband think I’m not coping. I’m really not but I can’t keep getting told to stop crying and get on with life as it hurts. The issue I have is my husband has all of a sudden got closer to my brother in law (sisters husband). They’d never go out unless we went out all together and now they’re seeing a lot of eachother and by the sounds of it in constant contact. The rest of my family, as much as they’re hurting are supporting me and have not been in contact with him. He said some really nasty things about them which I haven’t repeated to them as I know they’d be really upset. How do I move on when I know he will always have ties to my family and know what I’m up to? I love him so so much so keep thinking being friends with him will be too painful. I’m trying to be civil with him at the moment simply because I know that soon I will no longer see him or speak to him so trying to enjoy the time I have left with him (sounds like he’s dying but that’s how it feels 😢) I think moving away may be the answer even though it terrifies me as I’ve never lived alone and I’ve always been close to my family. But I can’t stop my husband seeing my brother in law so I guess it’s down to me to work out what will help me even if that does mean pretty much losing my whole family 😞 I’m so stuck!

TikTokker · 08/02/2026 20:51

I’d tell them all what he’s been saying about them for a start

Original poster

Beyondbroken · 08/02/2026 20:58

TikTokker · 08/02/2026 20:51

I’d tell them all what he’s been saying about them for a start

In all honesty that won’t make a difference. It’s the contact with my brother in law I’m upset about which is the reason I’m feeling so alone and lost

OP posts:

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 08/02/2026 21:03

TikTokker · 08/02/2026 20:51

I’d tell them all what he’s been saying about them for a start

Yep.

And I would have a conversation with your sister along the lines of " does your dh not ask himself why now? Why not 10 yrs ago? Hes not stupiddoes he not find the timing a bit off?"
And i'd also ask what she thinks their new budding bff montage is going to do to your relationship with her other drive a wedge as Your shithead ex is basically blocking you from confiding in her (as 90% of married couples tell each other everything so you wont be able to talk to her in case in gets back to him and the divorce will be acrimonious...)
So basically you cant really talk to hard about one of the hardest things thst has ever happened to you.

SquishyGloopyBum · 08/02/2026 21:08

You are hurting now but don’t move away from your support network because of this. It will get easier and you will come out stronger and even more fabulous.

to be honest, if I were your sister I’d not be impressed at this new friendship. I’d also be worried BIL might be wanting the same….

Don’t sling mud, but don’t protect your ex either. You can be honest and factual without being vindictive.

Original poster

Beyondbroken · 08/02/2026 21:23

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 08/02/2026 21:03

Yep.

And I would have a conversation with your sister along the lines of " does your dh not ask himself why now? Why not 10 yrs ago? Hes not stupiddoes he not find the timing a bit off?"
And i'd also ask what she thinks their new budding bff montage is going to do to your relationship with her other drive a wedge as Your shithead ex is basically blocking you from confiding in her (as 90% of married couples tell each other everything so you wont be able to talk to her in case in gets back to him and the divorce will be acrimonious...)
So basically you cant really talk to hard about one of the hardest things thst has ever happened to you.

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That’s exactly it. I literally feel like I can’t open up to my sister which is so hard as she helped me for weeks and listened when I needed her. I feel so isolated now.
My husbands family haven’t reached out to me which is very painful after having them in my life for 17 years but I understand that they’ll always support my husband. I just have to accept that. But I wish he’d just leave my family alone and get on with his life so I can really try and get on with mine. But at the moment he’s got life exactly how he wants it but by doing so, he’s isolating me from my own family making me feel so alone 😞 I can’t trust anybody

OP posts:

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 08/02/2026 21:29

You need to stop being so passive then.
Use your words... TALK to your sister, advocate for yourself and stop being a passenger in life.

somanychristmaslights · 08/02/2026 21:55

Tell your sister how you feel. Just because you speak to her, does she always pass it on then?
if your ex sees your BIL, yes it’s hurtful but just don’t let it affect you. How would you know anyway, is someone telling you? If the are, tell them you don’t want to know and tell them to stop.

Original poster

Beyondbroken · 08/02/2026 22:06

somanychristmaslights · 08/02/2026 21:55

Tell your sister how you feel. Just because you speak to her, does she always pass it on then?
if your ex sees your BIL, yes it’s hurtful but just don’t let it affect you. How would you know anyway, is someone telling you? If the are, tell them you don’t want to know and tell them to stop.

Honestly, it’s the biggest mess! But yes, whatever gets said always gets passed on so I am too scared to say anything to anyone which I guess is why I’ve distanced myself a bit as I’m stressed enough as it is.
I think I’ve just got to accept that my husband is a clever guy, he’s go exactly what he wants and there’s nothing I’d be able to do so I just have to think of myself and if that means having a total fresh start then I will have to. I will miss my family so much. I just can’t believe my husband has literally taken any joy I had in life away

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99bottlesofkombucha · 08/02/2026 22:14

Beyondbroken · 08/02/2026 22:06

Honestly, it’s the biggest mess! But yes, whatever gets said always gets passed on so I am too scared to say anything to anyone which I guess is why I’ve distanced myself a bit as I’m stressed enough as it is.
I think I’ve just got to accept that my husband is a clever guy, he’s go exactly what he wants and there’s nothing I’d be able to do so I just have to think of myself and if that means having a total fresh start then I will have to. I will miss my family so much. I just can’t believe my husband has literally taken any joy I had in life away

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Actrualiy what you need to do is start a cold shower, step into it and get a grip. Yes you can tell your family what he said, but also him hanging out with your brother in law is some thing you can ignore. You probably don’t know most of your bils friends and they don’t impact in your life at all. Tell your sister you find that really hard right now.

and if you can’t do that you should go to the gp, and say you are not coping, as cutting off your family becuase your ex sees your sisters husband is absolutely batshit. Chopping yourself off at the knees. If you do cut your family off you are the one making the choice to absolutely screw up your own life. Take a deep breath and be rational.

saraclara · 08/02/2026 22:14

I'd talk to your sister, but without saying anything that's critical of her husband.

Say how difficult it is for you that your ex has suddenly befriended her DH, as it means he's still linked to your family. Maybe say that you hope your ex isn't using him, as he'd not showed any interest in him as a friend until he left. But make sure that comes over as a criticism of your ex, and not implying that her DH is gullible (even though he probably is).

Original poster

Beyondbroken · 08/02/2026 22:22

saraclara · 08/02/2026 22:14

I'd talk to your sister, but without saying anything that's critical of her husband.

Say how difficult it is for you that your ex has suddenly befriended her DH, as it means he's still linked to your family. Maybe say that you hope your ex isn't using him, as he'd not showed any interest in him as a friend until he left. But make sure that comes over as a criticism of your ex, and not implying that her DH is gullible (even though he probably is).

Honestly, I’ve warned her so many times. She’s unbelievably disappointed in her husband. She knows my husband is clever and is luring her husband in. She has even seen horrible changes in her husband since he’s been going out with my husband.
I just don’t know what else I can do. I mean you can’t stop people from seeing eachother or contacting eachother. But it is causing so much friction between me and my family 😞 It’s a very lonely place to be right now

OP posts:

saraclara · 08/02/2026 23:13

Beyondbroken · 08/02/2026 22:22

Honestly, I’ve warned her so many times. She’s unbelievably disappointed in her husband. She knows my husband is clever and is luring her husband in. She has even seen horrible changes in her husband since he’s been going out with my husband.
I just don’t know what else I can do. I mean you can’t stop people from seeing eachother or contacting eachother. But it is causing so much friction between me and my family 😞 It’s a very lonely place to be right now

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Ah, that's awful for you both then. I'm so sorry. There really isn't anything more that you can do then. But I'm relieved that your sister sees it so clearly, and totally understands.