Supporting children after separation when things are really difficult

[Changes26]

So you’ve told your child (ren), you and your partner are now separated and living apart but how do you cope with the big emotions? Especially if you’re doing all the nights?

So my partner and I separated in December. I ended it after a drunken abusive episode (and years of now what I realise was emotional abuse). He initially stayed in the house whilst he found his own place but I had to ask him to leave after he became more difficult again. He went down to London for two weeks and then two weeks ago he moved into his own flat. I have our 6 yo daughter full-time. Now he’s in his own flat, he picks her up twice a week from school and she has dinner at his. He has been having her on Sundays too. I am waiting for him to do his initial mediation session so we can proceed with that to make arrangements for DD. His suggestion is that DD gets used to his place and then he has her overnight.

DD was ok when we told her but is obviously not ok with it at all. She’s been taking hours to get to sleep (I have to sit in her room), tummy aches, she’s having huge meltdowns (she’s always had big emotions so it’s not totally new) and has refused to go to school twice this week. I’ve got her there but one day she was twenty minutes late after getting so angry and upset.

I’m really trying to hold it all together so I can be there for her but I am so exhausted and have just started a new job. This morning she now so tired she has knocked loads of stuff over including frozen blueberries and a huge plant accidentally and I just wasn’t patient about it at all. She refused to get ready for a party and I actually ended up crying after she spat at me and all over the floor. Her dad has taken her to the party as planned

I feel like I’m failing her and I’m trying so hard to make sure she’s ok. She won’t ever talk about how she’s feeling. She’s told me snippets about her dad’s new place and I’ve been really positive and really encouraging about her seeing him. Whenever I suggest her tummy ache (before school or at bedtime) could be because she’s worried, she gets angry and tells me to stop talking. Her dad has asked once how she’s doing. He’s busy working and seeing two therapists; we have to work around his schedule it seems.

Does it get any easier? Any tips for helping children process their emotions?

Sorry, it is so hard. I completely understand. Some things you can do:
-if you can afford play therapy it will help her work through emotions
-play with dolls and dont mention the situation at all, but play the game with mum, dad, daughter and see where she takes it. Repeat back what she says and let her lead.
-have a visual chart on the wall where she can see when she is going to dad's, and remind her what the plan is for that day
-have catchphrases like 'i always come back', 'i will love you forever', 'your so easy to love', 'you've done nothing wrong', 'we both will always love you. You don't stop loving your child', dont say anything negative about dad, find any excuse to tell her what is amazing about her.
Two books helped my then 5 year old and 19month old. They are now 7 and 3.5 ajd still read them.
-https://www.amazon.co.uk/Two-Homes-Filled-Love-Separation/dp/1649160569/ref=mp_s_a_1_6_sspa?crid=U9NSIHB7V4QS&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.9M0hT5s0MVpOKMw85mXQ-jnGRauZkpSGPui-Vh9tf8dZ_wNI0bbbUAUQLsvIVCo4iMYVo529KqD2d6PPV18iyrB0vo4XFxTTOnTcPEue0XXevuhio9FuTomg-ZGHp38sCflUASZK1rxbCZtTst7qkI_sBFrrWeZEWgICjhnLNSyg8jNsUTpioS_9DQRmHfKh.IAMK__vJqen0TzUxtSzkwSV65D_Xww4r4w2TBZy1fLk&dib_tag=se&keywords=coparenting+books+story&qid=1770476322&sprefix=coparenting+books+story+%2Caps%2C95&sr=8-6-spons&aref=QJGYAllGFT&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9waG9uZV9zZWFyY2hfbXRm&psc=1

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Mum-Dad-Two-Homes/dp/1406341762/ref=ascdf1406341762?mcid=bf1dae2a649a32aeaf1d26a330b1aea0&th=1&psc=1&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=697208928393&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=7165917266625588211&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9195463&hvtargid=pla-304073910880&psc=1&hvocijid=7165917266625588211-1406341762-&hvexpln=0&gadsource=4

Also, don't bring it up. I know it sounds silly but I kept wanting to make sure they ate okay and talk about it. But actually when I shut up they talk about it more and when they are ready. In the car and at bedtime immedately after seeing dad are the times the kids tend to open up, so give that space and time for her them.

Lastly, my kids have a worry monster teddy. It has a zip on it's mouth you tell it your worries and zip the mouth shut. Go to sleep. While the kid is sleeping you open the mouth. A worry shared is better. Also, th3 book 'RUBY'S WORRY' is amazing at talking about sharing without addressing coparenting.

Share with school in a meeting if you haven't already.
Keep a predictable routine, makes a big difference.

Wishing you luck, so hard!

Good advice from previous poster.

I wanted to add - do not do mediation if there has been abuse, this is not advised.

@BookArt55 Thank you so much. It is so bloody hard.

I’ve just ordered a worry monster. DD has a tiny worry Teddy and worry dolls already but I think writing it down would be good. I was thinking about a worry box but a cuddly is even better!

I have books already but any books about emotions or situations, she will outright refuse. I’ll keep trying though!

I’ve let school know and have asked for her to be put on the wait list for emotional support and play therapy at school. I’ve looked into private but it is SO expensive. I might see if EXP will go halves.

Routine with her dad is hard as it’s still up in the air but I bought highlighters to colour in the calendar.

I've bought a 2026 calendar and coloured it when they go to their dad's. They've stopped looking at it... in a good way. So it didn't take long for them to see it as useful and relax a bit more.
My son went through similar at the beginning no discussions about feelings or the situation was allowed. None at all. I was so worried. But honestly as time has gone on he is now open about it. My situation is awful, we went to court and everything unfortunately, and the kids know too much, but they now talk to me about what they want to. The worry monster gets the most. Any outlet is an outlet. Watch carefully at her drawings. We wen through a stage in the early days of drawing after dinner and it showed me so much, I would make statements/copy anything they said, otherwise I sat and was drawing too and explained why I was drawing and how I was feeling about it (demonstrating what I wanted them to do).

@BookArt55 That sounds really hard. You’re an amazing mum.