Any advice on how to cope

[Mumof4boys12975]

Just that really. Any advice on how to cope with marriage breakdown? It isn’t my choice, we are still in marital home together with young children.
I’m so anxious, on the verge of panic attacks but trying so hard to hold it together as the children don’t know yet.
struggling to eat or sleep at this point.

Number one, don’t panic - keep telling yourself ‘it could be worse’. Make a cup of tea/coffee/whatever, sit down and drink it. First, how old are the dc and how many? Is your marriage definitely over or can it be/is it worth rescuing? Is your home situation ‘peaceful’ or is he being horrible? House owned or rented? Savings/ do you work? If your marriage is over you need to get proper legal advice, but first thing is you need to try and eat/drink even if it’s just a wee nibble here and there. A small piece of fruit, little bit of cheese, anything nutritious, gotta keep your strength up! Any friends or family you can call on for help and support? There will be a horde of helpful mumsnetters along in a minute with great advice and loads of support, hold on!

Sorry to hear this.
Immediately, try headspace app or look up how to do circular breathing, go for a walk outside of possible, just give yourself a break from being in your head.

Short term - is there anyone in real life you can confide in? It's exhausting trying to behave normally when your world as you know it is falling apart.
As above, try and eat and drink a little.

Can you afford private counselling for yourself? Try and set this up. And independent legal advice.

Look after yourself xx

Primary age, youngest is 5.
it’s peaceful, not being horrible. But there is a silence and it feels tense. Financially I will be ok, in a better position than he is. We have a mortgage, he wants me to buy him out which I could probably afford (with help from relatives and I think he knows they would help me) but it’s a renovation and my bills would be high after I wouldn’t be able to fix it. So I really don’t want to buy him out as it would be the easy option for him, he’d get the fresh start and I’d be left in a house with the memories and which needs work I would not have the skills or money to do.

it can absolutely be rescued, there are some real positives but he can’t see it. My mum thinks he might be depressed, which actually makes sense and poor mental health runs in his family. But I don’t think he will see it. I suspect he has been depressed for a long time. I’ve struggled with ill health both physically and PTSD so it hasn’t been easy but I think he is burying his head and thinks that ending this will resolve how low he has been feeling.

@Mumof4boys12975 seems like the only way through this is with counselling and/or mediation. Would he see a gp re potential depression? I’d agree with you re you buying him out - sell the house if it comes to that. Don’t lumber yourself with a fixer upper on top of everything else and four dc.

No he will not consider counselling. Doubt he will even consider the possibility he is depressed never mind go to the GP. He apparently doesn’t believe counselling/therapy works.

@Mumof4boys12975 oh that’s great isn’t it?! He’s not even prepared to try? If he won’t try and is determined to quit, then you have to take charge of your life. Get some estate agents round and get the house valued - see if that might encourage him to think a bit deeper.

Yep and tbh, if that doesn't change his mind, sounds like selling the house and buying something more manageable will be the best thing for her anyway. Taking on a house that needs so much work while becoming a single parent is a bad move imo. Seems like the husband wants to just pocket some fast cash and walk away and leave OP to deal with all the work, children/house repairs etc

Thank you. I won’t be doing any of the leg work involved in selling the house. I did it all before when we moved. His decision therefore he will have to do the work. He will not be able to afford to move without selling the house.
yes I think he thinks life will be all roses without me. But in reality I suspect he will not feel that way when it comes to it.

He has started being unkind to me as I am distancing myself in the house. Sitting upstairs rather than near him.
I can’t understand why he is being so unkind when he is the one that wants to leave me and tells me he feels like a weight has been lifted since he made the decision. Why is he acting like this. Am I supposed to sit there and pretend I’m ok when I am not?

Hi op..I am divorced with little DC but we didn't stay in the family home. Can you get talking therapy for yourself even via better help? Try looking up The Script on MN it might help you

I have some counselling booked for Tuesday 😔

that's good op 🫂 I have no advice re: being under the same roof, but your well being is the thing that has to come first -because you're under a lot of strain. He can't or won't engage with anything that could help him or you as a couple which is hard. It gets quite a bit easier emotionally once you are away from the toxicity, so if that doesn't look like separate homes rn, you can still make sure you have an ear bud in with a pod cast on while he's around ...that kind of thing.