Forcing 9yr old to see "parent"

[Electricwoman]

Hiya,

I admit i am lost and a bit confused as what is the right thing to do here. I have split up from my longterm partner (highly complicated and toxic relationship) and he left the home abruptly 3 months ago. This isn't the first time he has left and he has always left and gone to start a new family.

The kids are very aware of the situation and said a few interesting things about their "dad" leaving.

Background of our relationship is that although he isn't legally dad he has been in their lives since birth and we all consider him dad, although when he leaves he provides no day to day support, financial or otherwise (which I am fine with).

We have agreed a contact schedule but one of my children just isn't keen on seeing him or keeping up the relationship. She is suspected to be neuro divergent and she had a very strained relationship with her "dad" when he lived with us (i won't go into details)... despite me encouraging her she just doesn't want to keep contact.

Now i have told her that it's her choice and i won't force her to do anything she doesn't want to do...however i am also being pressured by my ex to force her to have contact and that I am controlling etc. (Along with many other choice words) because i am currently refusing to force her.

There are no real safety issues and i 100% trust he will look after them but I am still reluctant to force her to go (she is already under mental health programme through school). There is not (and will not be) a court order in place as he isn't a legal parent...but I have been reading that if there was one in place I would be expected to force her to go....

So what's best all round?

He’s not their dad. Neither of them have to see him if they don’t want to and no court can or will make them. Do not force your child to see an unrelated male

Listen to your child

Why on earth would you want her to see a man who was only in her life because he was your partner?

Is he not there biological father if not then he should be completely cut off from the one who doesn’t want to see him.
His behaviour of coming and going is unacceptable and emotionally damaging them. Your child has wised up to this and no longer trusts or wants to forgive him.
Is the other child actually wanting to go or are you both encouraging it? I would send him/her a few times with a longer gap each time like 2 weeks then 3 weeks later then a month and faze him out. Obviously if he is actually there biological father that would not be relevant but an ex boyfriend who’s emotionally unstable get rid.

To echo what everyone else has said your ex has no legal right to see the children so just tell him that and have a conversation with the other child because they may only be agreeing to him because they think it is what you want. Make sure the kids are crystal clear that it’s up to them totally if they ever see him again and that they can take as long as they like to think about it and they can just not see him ever again if that’s their preference. Just don’t engage with your ex any more as it’s not going to benefit you at all. Him accusing you of controlling behaviour is quite ridiculous!

Eh? He’s not her dad, and she doesn’t want to see him. Why on earth would you want to force this?

There is not (and will not be) a court order in place as he isn't a legal parent...but I have been reading that if there was one in place I would be expected to force her to go....

Not really. By the time a court heard the application your daughter’s wishes would be taken into account (if he had been the biological father). Ask him how you would force a 9 Yr old - by dragging her by her hair? Tying her up and slinging her over your shoulder? Beating her into submission? Tell him to stop being ridiculous and he should have made more of an effort with her when he was living under the same roof. If anyone is to blame it's him. I suspect she can see right through him and his twattish ways and that bugs him.

She’s already under a MH programme and they had a strained relationship when he lived with you.
he’s now gone. Will be interesting to see how she is doing in a few months!
no, don’t force her relationship with an unrelated male she doesn’t want to see!

It’s her choice even if he were her actual dad- bio or adoptive- dad I would never ever force or pressure or guilt or emotionally blackmail her into seeing him. Support your daughter.

If there was an order in place but your daughter really didn’t want to go, a court would take her wishes & feelings into consideration however if he doesn’t have parental responsibility & she doesn’t want to go then don’t force her .

He isn’t the dad and isn’t paying CMS so why would you feel obliged to give him the time of day

that being said much like grandparents can take a parent to court and be given access if they can demonstrate regular consistent contact then he could do that but since his interest in seeing the child is sporadic then it’s unlikely to be successful

on a side note your “highly complicated” relationship with this man has done her no favours - you’ve allowed this man to come and go from you and your children’s lives - you now need to put your children first and if she doesn’t want to see him then that should be respected and shouldn’t be up for debate