My Wife wants to separate, but still undecided

[jmcmpny94]

I’ve been married for 11 years and together with my wife for 18. Several months ago, she told me she’s never been romantically in love with me. She married me because of how deeply I loved her and believed love would grow over time, but it never did for her. That realization has been devastating.
Over the past several months, our marriage has been in limbo. She has at times said she wanted a divorce, then walked it back. More recently, she says she doesn’t want to separate, not because she’s confident in the marriage, but because of logistics with our two young sons and because she knows that if we separated, I would not want ongoing contact with her. She has said she doesn’t want to “never see me again,” and that idea deeply distresses her.
What’s complicated is that things didn’t start to feel calmer between us until I was honest with her that I no longer had hope for the marriage, wasn’t trying to fix it anymore, and was essentially waiting for divorce papers. Once I stopped hoping or pushing for reassurance, we became more open, friendly, and honest. Around that same time, she became more affectionate and sexually intimate again, but without any clear commitment to the relationship. She now says she feels hope for the marriage for the first time, while I feel emotionally detached and am struggling to see how that hope aligns with her past and present statements.
She maintains that she wants emotional connection, but also says she doesn’t know if she can ever feel romantic love for me. I, on the other hand, can’t continue indefinitely in a relationship without some level of commitment or being chosen. I’ve proposed an in-home separation as a way to protect my mental health while still being present for our kids, but that idea has caused her significant distress.
I’m trying to understand whether anyone else has experienced something similar, where one spouse never felt romantic love, doesn’t want to divorce outright, but also can’t commit, and how it ultimately resolved. I’m especially interested in hearing from people who faced long-term ambiguity like this and what helped them decide whether to stay, separate, or move on.

What do you want ? To hang around and wait for a decision from her which has no timescale on it or to take some control back and decide what you want. She is not being fair and has her cake and is eating it with cream on. An in-house separation trial upsets her? She is definitely not on her way to leaving then and you are in limbo land. A stronger conversation about what you want and how that can work is needed. If she stays you’ll always know she doesn’t love you in the way she should and this may just happen again. Please take control of your destiny.

What do you want OP? Personally I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who told me that. You need to consider your needs, wishes and feelings here. This is not a healthy relationship and not a good example to your kids.

’Romantic - love’ 18 years and two young kids later…. Far fetched idea. I think it’s unrealistic to think she’d have lusty feelings after all these years. If she’s saying she never had them at all… well that’s a real shame (for her, mostly) but the sacrifice has already been made. You seem to have a good relationship generally? You mention being intimate and things being calm at home. I’d take that over some abstract idea of romantic love.

Build up the relationship you have, find some compromise. Agree you are both committing to eachother for the next year while you explore all avenues of growth. You are a family with children. Separation should be a last resort. Children going between two homes is no one’s first choice and should be avoided if possible, if there’s no abuse going on.

She seems to be chasing drama. You don’t want her any more, but now she’s being all affectionate. She “never loved you”, but can’t bear the idea of you not being in her life. I call bullshit, I bet she did love you, life’s just got a bit too calm and she’s chasing some emotional high, whether positive or negative. Whatever the reason, she’s messing with you and you don’t deserve it. Do what you think is best for you and your children, do not consider her, because she certainly isn’t considering you.

I appreciate all of the perspectives here, even the tough ones. I want to add some context that may not have come through clearly.

I’m not choosing limbo because I’m afraid to decide or because I think this situation is healthy. I’m here because I’m being asked to wait without a timeline while continuing to function as a husband and primary support system.

My wife is dealing with significant health issues, working full time, and in school. Because of that, I’ve been carrying most of the day-to-day load: childcare, cooking, cleaning, managing appointments, and making sure her strict medical diet is followed. Her position is that she’s too burned out to work on the relationship itself, and that she needs time and space to heal. I’ve tried to respect that.

At the same time, she has told me she’s never been romantically in love with me, doesn’t know if she ever can be, and isn’t able to commit to the marriage right now. She has also said she doesn’t want separation or divorce at this point, largely due to logistics with our kids and because she knows that separation would be very difficult for me emotionally.

That’s where the conflict is. I’m being asked to stay, to support, and to be patient, but without clarity or commitment. When I’ve tried to introduce boundaries, like an in-home separation, it’s caused her significant distress.
When I pull back emotionally to protect myself, things become calmer between us, and she becomes more affectionate, which only adds to the confusion.

I’m not chasing an idealized version of romance. I don’t need constant passion. What I do need is some level of being chosen. Calm intimacy without commitment may look workable from the outside, but living inside it long-term has been deeply destabilizing for me.

What I’m trying to figure out now is whether I should continue on like this. I still love her, but the feeling of constant rejection, while I’m doing everything I can to support her, is proving to be more difficult than I thought it would be. She’s unable to give me an answer about whether she can recommit to this marriage, and yet I’m still expected to act as a loving husband would and hold hope that she may eventually develop the feelings she would need to recommit. I don’t know how long it’s reasonable or healthy for me to stay in that position.

To be honest I think she is taking the piss. It doesn’t sound like she has any respect for you. Perhaps because of her health issues she knows she wouldn’t manage on her own, or with the kids? Regardless, put yourself first here. It’s not a healthy relationship and you need to take back some control, for your own sake.

Exactly what @Hairyfairy01 has said. And with her isn’t able to commit to the marriage right now. ahh so she’s off looking for “romance” but wants you there to be her provider, Carer, do everything for her and dc?
she’s at it and selfish.
start the living separately journey this week,
am expecting she’s going to suggest an “open marriage”
next.

What a heartbreaking experience for you - she's told you she's never loved you but she doesn't want to go through the pain of separating. Where does that leave you? Your choices are to take control of the separation she has half started, or to wait until she finds someone else, which is clearly the impetus she needs to actually leave you, and which is likely to happen eventually. I would start formalising the separation and setting down some clear boundaries. The certainty will be good for your mental health and eventually you'll be in the right headspace to find someone new. Good luck x

If you want to make it work, agree on x months of weekly marriage therapy and a date for a new discussion.

I’d tell her you’ll stay for ‘x’ period of time to assist practically with the children but that with immediate effect you will be looking to find somebody who is romantically interested in you.

Your wife wants to eat her cake and have it.

Not cool.

Begin separating.
agree to stay but live separately but make it clear you'll only stay for X time to help with kids (up to october would be very fair) and you'll start filing for divorce now...

If you don't steer your own ship now its going to get very messy as she's a total headwrecker.