I just don’t know where to start

[OneOliveScroller]

I’ve been with H 8 years, married 3.

I’ve fallen out of love. He is a good person, kind, honest and we have interests and hobbies in common. But I just don’t enjoy his company anymore - our conversations are dull, we rarely discuss anything beyond the day to day of our lives and the sex is… well, I do it once a month because I feel guilty if I don’t (that’s a separate issue!). He has an high pressure job and we don’t do much in the way of ‘fun stuff’ but I’ve got to the point where I don’t want to with him. I don’t see a future together and forcing it feels fake. Over the last few months my feelings of disatisfaction have increased and I find myself scrolling rightmove for one bedroom flats and just wishing I hadn’t married him so ending things would be easier.

I know it’s too far gone and I need out but I’m frightened of upsetting him as he is a friend and a good person, but I feel as though this will blindside him- he’s not a great communicator or particularly emotionally intelligent. I just have no idea how to start this conversation without totally blindsiding him but I feel like I will explode from it some days.

i’m 32 and he’s 37 for context, no kids and although he earns considerably more (and is excellent at saving and future planning) I would be ok on my salary although savings aren’t brilliant.

can anyone who has been here help me make sense of what the path forward looks like? I feel very lonely and all my friends are happily coupled up or single, so although I’m sure it’s very common I don’t have anyone who really understands right now.

I think you need to be honest with him!

After 8 years things do become a bit samey. You either need to talk together and make a plan to either both put in some effort or go your seperate ways

No real advice but I can’t help but feel excited for you! Sufficient income to be comfortably independent, live how you want and young enough to meet someone and have a family if that’s what you want. You have far too much future ahead of you to settle.

I absolutely agree, I just feel like starting the conversation is so horrible I can’t bear it. Between the mundane everyday having tea, watching telly…I know there’s never a good time. But how do people start these conversations!

i get how it happens when there’s fighting, infidelity, other big things that change a relationship. But when it’s just so beige…I just don’t know where to begin.

Thank you - some days I do feel excited. I want my spark back. But at the same time it’s so incredibly daunting. This did make me smile though so really, thank you.

There is no easy way, you just have to do it.

I had the same eith my dd's dad. We had become friends. It literally was a case of picking a weekend when we didnt have his older kids and someone could have dd. We sat down for dinner and I said we needed a serious talk about our relationship because I was miserable. I had become his mother not his partner.

We both agreed to put more effort in, unfortunately only I achieved it and so we split. That was about 8 years ago now. We have a reasonable friendship. We mostly co-parent well.

I moved out, bought my own house with so e unexpected inheritance as a deposit and life has been hard work but I don't regret it.

If you can't see a future with him do the decent thing and separate. It will be painful, sad and lots of tears will be shed BUT (and I say this as one who has gone through the same issue) it won't get better. We've been married for coming up to 50yrs. but emotionally I left years ago. Now I'm becoming less mobile and have several health issues so he's here as my carer, not even FWB but more like flat mates. He had a 'thing' with a fellow worker 25yrs ago and I 'forgave' him, I have never forgotten though. We tried Relate but never got into it and it felt so fake - going through the motions of 'date nights' and flirting so we just let things slide and we bumbled our way through another 25rs. Make a decision now and get on with the rest of your life!

Thank you for sharing this and that can’t be easy. I hope your health is ok as it can be.
I know you’re right, and I know I am being selfish dilly dallying as he has done nothing wrong and deserves the chance to be with someone who will appreciate him. And I’m only wasting my own time. I am just a wuss and scared of the fallout. But I know I have to get on with it sooner rather than later x

if only there was an easy way! I know it will be hard, and I can handle hard, but god some days I wish he would start the conversation. I know he won’t though. It’s heartening to hear you don’t regret it - that’s a big fear for me but I think from some of the other comments and my own ruminations I will regret not doing it even more. Thank you for sharing x

I dated an amazing person for 5 years we got engaged and suddenly before the wedding I knew he wasn’t the one it was a tough conversation and sadly we both cried lots it took such a long time to heal even though I knew it was the right decision. I am now married with two kids and the best husband I am so grateful for what I decided but it is hard work with young children and marriage is so tough it’s something everyone has to work on and there is the mundane through laughter too!
Maybe start with a conversation of “do you see us as happy” or “where do you see our future in 5 years”
Maybe he feels the same or maybe you might find a new spark in your relationship or that it has come to an end but definitely be true to yourself and him
xx

Thank you - I am happy you found your happiness!!

I think for me a big thing is H wants kids and I just don’t - used to think I would one day (I love children) but I am becoming more adamant that I don’t with every day. Certainly not with him anyway. I am just sad about the situation I think and partly in denial but I know it’s for the best and both of us deserve to find happiness x

@OneOliveScroller - you two met when you were quite young. It may be that you have changed and you don't fit anymore. Or, it could be that your relationship is in a rut. Relationships take work, on both sides. And they do evolve - as people mature and lives change. Have you actually tried talking about it all with him - as you say he is a good person and a friend?

You could suggest doing couple's therapy. It could be a good way to shine light to the relationship, and maybe it'll become clear to the both of you that the relationship needs to end. Or - maybe, talking will help you two to reconnect.

If you do separate, and if you want to have kids - I'd really encourage you to freeze your eggs. This will remove the pressure of finding the next relationship quickly and ending up with a wrong person. You don't have many years of fertility left - and in your age group, a lot of decent men will be already coupled up, so it won't be easy to find the right person at the right time (=while you have your fertility). So, frozen eggs would give you more time.

I'd not feel too bad about your H. Realistically - after he deals with the pain of breakup - he'll have a lot of women lining up to date him, if he wanted to settle down. As you describe him - kind, honest, solid, and with a good job - he is like a unicorn. There are not too many good unattached men looking to settle down in that age group. So - he will be fine in a few years after your separation. Cynical as it sounds, it is just how it is.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

I think this is exactly it tbh - we have both changed a lot. He has become quite settled in his routine whereas I have if anything become more spontaneous (I lost a parent three years ago far too young and very suddenly and it has really put a fire in me to enjoy life while I can). I’ve expressed a couple of times that I’m unhappy but he seems to take it personally although last time he did agree to make more effort, which lasted all of about two weeks…

in all honesty I think I’m past the point of couples therapy as I don’t know if I would feel invested in making it work. I know I want out and I just need to find the courage to make it happen.

He’s a good guy, he is just not the guy for me I don’t think. In terms of kids and eggs I don’t think having children is for me, although if down the line I met someone with kids I would be ok with that.

youre right about him being fine - honestly I want that for him. He would be an excellent dad. I have an odd fantasy where I bump into him in a few years and we’ve both moved on and he has a nice wife and two kids lol

You not wanting kids makes it easier in a way, as you don't run a risk of missing out on your fertility.

So - you can either just bite the bullet and tell him. Or suggest couple's therapy as a gentler way of telling him you want out.
Therapy can be used in many ways - you don't need to be invested in making it work. It can be a gentler way to have a difficult conversation, with a professional helping guide you both through it.

I don’t know if easier is the word but certainly less complex! Thanks for the info on therapy - I just sort of assumed it would always be geared towards ‘saving’ the marriage!

I know a few couples who’ve been here and I do think it’s cruel to state a conversation with ‘I want to divorce’ having never raised the issues before. He could be feeling exactly the same, he might hear your dissatisfaction and make more effort which reminds you how much you have together. Personally I think it’s unfair to not give him an opportunity if it’s simply a case of boredom.

that said if you’re determined then make sure it’s a time where kids aren’t around and he has ability to find family / friend support whether that’s going there for a few hours or by phone. Make it clear it’s about you. Don’t jump to the practicalities but give time to accept the emotional hurt before you try to get him to talk childcare or financials.

One tactical bit of help that my therapist suggested: practise saying it out loud when you’re alone. “I want a divorce” — sit with it, see how it feels. Even if you don’t even use those words, getting yourself used to saying it, speaking it, helps! OR if you have a different reaction and it doesn’t feel right, sit with that too — maybe you need to give yourself and partner some time to fix things (not advocating for this, but just offering as why you might have an adverse reaction to saying it out loud).

Life's far too short to throw your best years away with someone you don't love.
You have to sit him down to explain how unhappy and unfulfilled you are, and that due to your differing wants and needs you see no future with him. It'll hurt him, but whatever you do will hurt him, so the sooner the better so he can rebuild his life in good time too. It'll be a hard, tearful conversation as a first step but every journey starts with a single step.
Do it tonight, don't delay - he deserves to know now. Good luck, report back 🙏

@OneOliveScroller did you have the chat hope your doing ok and being honest and kind to yourself? X