The part between the decision and moving out

[edinburghcastle]

Tips on navigating this please.
10 year marriage, 2 school age DC. H has significantly broken my trust on a couple of occasions, which I could have weathered but for 2 years he has been swinging between being lovely and angry outbursts directed at me. I've finally had enough. Non violent but verbally abusive. We've recently had a 3 day stint of outbursts, I've said I'm moving out but the place I'm moving to is only going to be ready in month. He's turning on the charm offensive, seeking self help, being a lovely, fun, present, reasonable and helpful partner (the exact opposite of the behaviour that's driven me to this decision). My resolve is weakening. How do I get through this and stay strong?

Just remember he’s a psycho!

@rainandshine38thanks that made me smile!

Think of your new place, the peace and safety you will have, focus on that and make plans for you and your kids in your new home.

I’m sorry you’re going through this but you sound amazingly brave to have got this far ❤️

@ProfessorInklingthanks now that made me cry! I'm holding it together just about. I can't let him manipulate me into a decision change because the opportunity for somewhere to live is a one time chance that a friend is offering and if I don't take it she's going to rent it out. I really need to stand firm but I'm exhausted with all the stress and it's easier to just stay where I am while it's going OK and not volatile.

You must have had really compelling reasons to make this decision and get this far.

he is only being nice now because you’ve said enough is enough. If you were just carrying on as ‘normal’ he’d still be horrible. He can still do the self-help and perhaps one day you get along as co-parents but that doesn’t mean you should stay in a relationship with him. You deserve better.

I’ve just recently separated from my ex of 12 years we also have small children and I can tell you now his sudden change and insistence that he can be better is purely panic because he knows you mean it this time, if you hadn’t wanted to separate and kept quiet and plodded on as you have so many times his behaviour would be just as it was when you finally decided enough was enough. I’m currently sat in my “new” little rental, my kids are asleep upstairs, I’m watching Shirley Valentine and although things still feel unsettled for us as we’re all trying to navigate our new normal and working out how to help our kids adapt to co parenting, I can say I’m at peace sat here and do not regret it.

Then definitely remind yourself this. I am guessing you're worried about finances and affordability checks that you may not be able to pass with estate agents?
Take this opportunity as it seems to be the right time and the right place for you to start a new life.
Also, think of your Husband's behaviour this way - is it a one off/quite rare the way he reacts, or is it a pattern that keeps coming back?
If the latter, then you've probably indicated many times how it's affected you and that it needs to change, and he hasn't done it. So it will carry on in the future and a week or two, or a month or 2 from now you'll be in the same boat, wanting to leave.

And one more thing to add, if it makes you feel better play the 'trial separation' card, that way you're leaving a door open to see how you (both) feel once you've been single for awhile. But dont contact him in that time, dont let him influence you. Spend a good 3-6 months on your own. And enjoy your new life 🌷

I split with my ex on Dec 17th 2023. From that point onwards he was charming, kind, less anger, everything I wanted. Christmas, New Year, everytbing was great. The plan was for me and the kids to move out 1st Feb. But 3 days before he found out he couldn't get the mortgage he wanted and all hell let loose. I took out eldest to school the next day and we never returned. I moved what I could out in less than an hour. 2 years on and I have never got anything else from the house, one other time I tried and it ended with police involvement.

So what I am trying to say is:
-Pack an overnight bag with passports, birth certificates, important documents, memory things you would be gutted to lose and stash it at a friend's. Have that backup.
-get copies of all the financial stuff
-move things out bir by bit if you can, a family membes garage or something.
-stash money. Every penny.
-get legal advice about the kids, don't tell him

• make sure you have a third party to help.you move

-change your passwords on everything to something really random

• it is likely as the time gets closer and he realises he isn't going to get his own way/lose control his past behaviours may return in full force. Be prepared.

Wishing you all the luck..might help.to write a list in thenotes section on your phone of why this ended. Keep looking back at it when you feel like you made a mistake.

Do not be fooled!! He'll be back to his normal way just as quick.

my ex done the exact same. Leaving was the best decision I made for myself and kids.

He's an arsehole who will revert to type once you cave. Stop doubting yourself and your decision. It will be twice as bad the next time because he will know just how weak you are and how easily he can manipulate you. Be strong.

Be glad it is only a month!

I’m on month 16 with no end in sight. It’s very draining! We’re divorced and it was “amicable”
in the legal sense but we are tearing each other apart now.

Alas neither can move until house sold.

@Lorelai123thanks, I've been trying to visualise me and DC in the rental and come to a block about how it will actually feel. I'm terrified of going it alone mainly because of finances. I feel like I'm almost gaslighting myself - I have to keep reading my diary entries to remind me how it has been rather than trying to make a judgment call based on his best behaviour which is how he is being now.

@FancyCatSlave that sounds unbearable

I’m not living my best life right now that’s for sure. But there will be an end. At least the divorce and finances are done. I felt worse when that was still ongoing. It’s all irreversible now so that helps hugely.

Just need the housing market here to pick
up. It is absolutely dead as a dodo for specialty houses like ours.

But don’t let it put you off. I am moving forward even if it doesn’t feel like it.

Hold strong. You know that this new improved behaviour won’t last, and even if it did, how did you move on from someone treating you so poorly in the past anyway. Your life will be so much better for you and your DC away from him.

Oh god! This sounds like the nightmare I entering. I was hoping to buy the knob head out but that doesn’t look viable now (and I won’t need the massive house once he moves his crap out). But this means selling the house so are we both stuck here until the house sells. This could be ages. And he’s being such a twat.

sorry for piggy backing on someone else’s thread. I have found lots of the comments here very helpful so thanks MN but if OP read this I have got through this far by, as far as possible, doing what I would do if he wasn’t there. And also I’ve been buying nice house things for “my home”. just little things like tooth brush holders or new bedding in sale, things that are for me and I can take wherever I end up and will make my home lovely and my own. Lots of time in charity shops looking for any household bargains too, and when I can’t sleep at night I’m on second hand websites and stuff trying to think how I can make a house beautiful on a budget. I’m better when I’m solving problems than when I’m stewing over them.

Dishonest but I no longer care - I told him the rental needed a deposit this week, as he has been so nice I've not paid it. He thinks the rental has gone and wow his behaviour has changed back over the last few days. He's been particularly awful today. I'm stressed out but know I'm making the right call.

@Beaniebobbinslove this! I keep looking at things in shops but I might start collecting things now it's getting closer, it would be a nice distraction from the anxiety !

Feck
It sounds scary
Hopefully things won't escalate beyond the verbal. I know that's worse in some ways because emotional abuse is not taken seriously. Please be careful. Hope you are stashing and hiding important stuff by now. Try to keep us posted. Don't be afraid to get police involved if it becomes necessary. Good luck

That was a clever move on your part, there is no need for you to be 100% honest - keep your cards close to your chest. I can only echo what @Bonkers1966 has said, safety first and update when you can x

I'm doing alot of worrying tonight. It's not been a good night and I just feel one step closer to the end.

My worries are He is reactive when he cannot go to bed because DC are needing attention still, usually around 8.30pm. I'm always there to calm things and keep them regulated at the moment and I'm worrying about when I'm not there and he has them overnight.
He's also filling their heads. Tonight he said in front of them - mid rant - that I was abusive, emotionally manipulative and mummy is very difficult towards daddy, you will notice this as you get older, she isn't very nice to daddy, she doesn't love daddy like she did when they got married.
He's also not very safety conscious which scares me and has caused me to be hypervigilant but I'm worried about when I'm not there to 'police' things. I hate doing that but feel I've no choice.

It is a big worry leaving abusive partners about how they will behave towards the children when you’re not there, and potentially manipulate them. But in the end, children will see the truth. You will be a far happier, healthier version of yourself once you are away from him and settled nicely into your new life. The children will benefit from your happiness and care and eventually they will realise you did the best thing for yourself and for them. They will have calm, peace and care in your new home.

He will most likely reduce contact anyway once he finds someone new and is busy trying to impress.