Help with divorce

[Separation12344]

I have name changed for this. Me and my husband of 9 years (together 17) are in the depths of separation. 3 dc 13 and under. House worth approximately 300k with 113k remaining.

He will not move out. I have had an appointment with a solicitor who was helpful but advised me to get pension CETV documents. Both have public sector pensions, his much higher than mine.

I work full time.

what do I do next? He’s completely shut me off and has no interaction with me at all. He does bare minimum childcare wise and is out 5 - 6 evenings per week. No household stuff even though we are living together. I feel completely trapped. Unfortunately I do not have funds available for endless solicitor appointments I simply cannot afford it. I am the lower earner, children will predominantly be with me. What do I do next?! I’m in absolute despair and feel like I’m being held hostage in my own life by a petty greedy man.

My ex did this…he got me out in the end, lied to the police so I was arrested and bailed away from the address.

He changed the locks and I’ve not stepped foot in it since.

He instructed solicitors as soon as we split…mine advised me that I couldn’t easily get him out.

Personally, if I were you, I’d move elsewhere with you and DC (your parents, etc).

Thanks Dollos. I’m sorry you went through that. Unfortunately my parents live almost an hour away from where I live which would mean uprooting everyone from schools etc which I really want to avoid.

You can start a legal separation while living under one roof. At home you must do no wife work for him, no laundry etc, separatedood shop.and meals. Outside the home you must not function as a couple. You can even claim UC if your income is too low for solo survival, as long as you are leading separate lives.
Wikivorce and the .gov/divorce pages are a useful resource. Find out all you can about his income, savings and pension, but as a Public Servant these are fairly transparent. Eventually your property will have to be divided, one buys out the other, or you sell and split the equity. He can resist, but the legal process rolls on.

Unfortunately there is no easy answer with this. You will have to learn to tolerate it and count down the days until freedom if that’s what you have been advised.

I moved out and rented a house. Nothing, not money, not anything would have convinced me to stay put until the divorce. Money was tight but I was much happier.

I really don’t think you can make him move out from what I’ve seen on here, and also the non interacting or shared household stuff.
but you can do same. Don’t cook for him, clean his mess, don’t shop or do his laundry

Thanks all. Unfortunately my salary does not afford for me to be able to rent in my area. I have spoken to a mortgage advisor who advised I could buy him out a portion now and defer his remaining equity entitlement but he’s refused. I am keen to keep things as smooth as possible for the children. Unfortunately if he carries on this way my job will suffer as he does school drop off and pick up (equating to about 1 hour of childcare per day) on the days I work in the office. I am at home every evening and weekend with the children.

i know there’s no easy solution. He is controlling and unreasonable. I feel like unless you have money to employ a solicitor you’re pretty stuck!

The only real thing you can do is file for divorce and start the ball rolling on financial disclosures, mediation and settlement

many couples have to endure living together while they do this

and you can’t just move away with your dc. Terrible advice.

I was already planning to leave…my solicitor had a real word with me and told me that I could underestimate the amount of emotional damage exH was causing DC.

If you are feeling the atmosphere, DC will be too

Just crack on with the divorce while living together. My divorce was finalised in Dec but we are in the house together until it sells as the market is dire. Not ideal but it is what it is. It’s 10 months since we started the divorce and 18 since we separated. We live separate lives in the same house and I’m used to it now. I’m sure it’s not great for DD but we have been honest as much is age appropriate.

Judges like clean breaks so he will either have to buy you out or you sell and split the equity.

Sooner you start, sooner it’s finished.

I'm in a similar situation although I've not asked stbexh to move out. We're divorcing whilst living together. DC doesn't know officially yet but we do nothing as a family together any more and live completely separate lives. I don't do anything for him apart from washing (we both chuck loads in). He's dragging his feet with the divorce but my solicitor has advised that there is little I can do. She said we could have mediation and then threaten court but I'm in no financial situation to be able to afford this so I'm just slowly chipping away/telling him that he needs to submit his form E etc.

I'm in the same situation, living together and we've separated. it's so bloody hard! he doesn't seem to give a shit about me anymore, and is still very controlling. I think he's almost enjoying me still being here so he can watch how hard I'm finding it!

I'm relying on mediation starting next week, so at least I have a timeline and can start planning.

If you have equity in your home a solicitor may allow you to pay them once home is sold.
As above universal credit may help.
You need to know pension values and realistic sale price of home, cars or anything else.

Have you discussed child care plan for long term?