Supporting teenagers

CalliopeSings · 2026-01-26T11:16:00+00:00

We've just told our teenagers (14 & 16) that we are separating. It's driven by him, but complicated due to poor mental health on his side. The teens will stay with me and I'm the one basically supporting them emotionally. Has anyone got tips for helping them through this? A lot of advice online seems to be aimed at younger children.

Y0gamummy · 27/01/2026 08:04

Following as I have similar age DC. How did they take it? I'm not at your stage yet but am worried about disrupting exams, friendships if they're with other parent and maybe not staying as close by. And also them just being more aware of everything, thinking about other parent being on their own when they're with one parent. Like you I'd be keen to hear others' experiences as I imagine there are also advantages to the DC being a bit older.

Original poster

CalliopeSings · 27/01/2026 13:25

They were both pretty sad. It was very hard to see them upset. What has helped in the immediate past few days has been a big focus on routine and predictability - this is a bit easier for us as they will live with me full time. My oldest has asked lots of questions, my younger teen hasn't at all and it's him I'm more worried about as he tends to bottle things up.

OP posts:

ikeepforgetting · 27/01/2026 14:13

I am almost two years on from that awful conversation but I remember it like yesterday. It isn't easy. My two teen DC stayed with me too, their dad moved about 45 mins away and they have spent one night with him in those two years. I found that they absolutely craved routine, stability, everything being as much as it was that I could manage. I went to therapy weekly and left all my emotion there (it was not amicable and was a complete shock as he basically blew our lives up).

I am staying in the family home until the youngest is finished A levels in a couple of years and that probably helped them, but I know it isn't always possible. They rely on their home comforts so much - cosy bedrooms, dog cuddles, nice treats from M&S when I can afford it!

They don't really talk to me or open up about him, I sometimes hear them talk to each other which is good (they never really had that close a relationship before). As long as they are talking to somebody.

So just go gentle, keep things safe and predictable and get support for yourself so you are able to keep things stable for them. Good luck and it gets better I promise.

Portabello99 · 27/01/2026 20:10

If you think they need counselling that may be available at school or Mind and Relate do teen counselling.
Speak to the school so they are alert to any change in behaviour.
They likely have friends with separated parents and probably don’t think of those friends any differently than those with 2 parents. So that can be a way of saying look x has been through the same and they are doing all ok. Sometimes those friends can also offer reassurance.
They may find the house is calmer - my dc noticed this and I think we all realised how ex’s moods had affected daily life.
You may be surprised how resilient they are. My dc didn’t skip a beat with their schoolwork.
What you might not expect is for them to be on best behaviour for the parent who has left - where they may feel more insecure - and let rip all their emotions in your direction. This can feel very unfair but reflects you are the one they feel safe with.
I’m sure I read some parenting teen books which covered separation.

Original poster

CalliopeSings · 28/01/2026 08:27

ikeepforgetting · 27/01/2026 14:13

I am almost two years on from that awful conversation but I remember it like yesterday. It isn't easy. My two teen DC stayed with me too, their dad moved about 45 mins away and they have spent one night with him in those two years. I found that they absolutely craved routine, stability, everything being as much as it was that I could manage. I went to therapy weekly and left all my emotion there (it was not amicable and was a complete shock as he basically blew our lives up).

I am staying in the family home until the youngest is finished A levels in a couple of years and that probably helped them, but I know it isn't always possible. They rely on their home comforts so much - cosy bedrooms, dog cuddles, nice treats from M&S when I can afford it!

They don't really talk to me or open up about him, I sometimes hear them talk to each other which is good (they never really had that close a relationship before). As long as they are talking to somebody.

So just go gentle, keep things safe and predictable and get support for yourself so you are able to keep things stable for them. Good luck and it gets better I promise.

Thank you. This is really helpful to hear and glad to know you are all doing well 2-yrs on. Will keep leaning into the consistency and routine - which is helping me too.
Can I ask about your house arrangements. I'm also hoping to stay in the house for a few years.

OP posts:

ikeepforgetting · 28/01/2026 11:58

@CalliopeSings I am not completely divorced yet so there is always the chance he might change his mind, but ex agreed since it is exam years for both of mine until summer 2028. He pays half the mortgage until then. I have all that written into a consent order which he is sitting on as a way of keeping control but that's a whole other thread! I think if your DC are coming up to GCSE/A level years it isn't uncommon to delay the sale to get them through it but of course that depends on agreement