Divorce on the cards, help needed.

[Blackadder89]

Hi, this is my first time posting so please be gentle. I am a mediterranean father of one, married for 7 years but been together with my wife for 14 years. We have met in my country, built a life together, had a child, bought a house together and got married. 3 years ago, my country was going through rough patches and I suggested to my wife to move to her country the UK. My reason was mostly to give our daughter a better future.

By the end of 2022 we successfully moved to the UK. The first 4 months were very hard as I could not work until I applied and received back a pre settlement status. Once I started working I started noticing how racist the UK is. I was never a foreigner before and I was never a subject for racism so it was affecting me really badly. I became depressed. Had multiple jobs as I could not settle anywhere and my wife could see that I was not setteling well. Every time I left a job the financial strain was falling on my wife.

Now that we have been here 3 years, I have expressed my wish to my wife to move back to my country but she is completely against the thought. We have been fighting a lot. Our marriage is on the brink of a divorce and I am thinking of moving back to my country alone. But the thought of not seeing my daughter for long periods of time is making me sad and depressed.

I don't think I can stay here much longer. Anyone has been in the same situation? And how did you deal with it?

Where do you live in the UK? I am in south London and my children are mixed race and attend (or did, one an adult now) a very multicultural school. They’ve never faced any racism thankfully. I know that if they grew up where I did, they would definitely have faced issues. So can depend where you live in the UK. Sorry this is your experience though. Unfortunately with the rise in popularity of Nigel Farage and reform, the UK has become a lot more racist and anti immigration.

Thanks for calling us racist 🙄

Do you think perhaps your wife found the same in your home country for so many years? She will surely understand the struggles of being in your shoes, moving somewhere and getting a job in a foreign country - she did it for 11 years did she not? If you leave the country with your wife and daughter in, in my experience you will not have a good relationship with your daughter down the line.

You left your country for a reason, and if the country was going through rough patches only 3 years ago surely it still is now?

Do you live in any particular area of the UK?

Don’t be ridiculous! You can’t deny people in the UK experience high levels of racism. Obviously not every person here is racism, but OP has found overwhelmingly that he is subject to racist behaviour and therefore can say that the UK is a racist place. When we behave in a way that shows our fwllow
countrymen racism won’t be tolerated then we can be angry about the moniker, but at the moment we deserve every label we are given.

I do understand OP, I am not British and live in the UK, it can feel like a hostile place (Reform narrative etc.). There’s no easy answer, neither of you are right or wrong.

I don’t know what the answer is, except for the meantime get some help with your mental health and try to avoid the news!

U.K. is one of least racist countries
hth

what steps have YOU made to integrate, make friends, settle ?

I’d Be pissed off if I was your wife, keep changing job, no stability and now you simply want to move again . What about what she wants

45 minutes out of Glasgow on the coast. Foreigners are few and far between here. Workers on this part of Scotland, lack integration mostly found in the north region of the country, say Edinburgh. How do I know? I travel a lot and the difference between this part of the country and the north part is night and day! Do we have the money and resources to move further north? I am afraid no.

45 minutes out of Glasgow on the coast. Foreigners are few and far between here. Workers on this part of Scotland, lack integration mostly found in the north region of the country, say Edinburgh. How do I know? I travel a lot and the difference between this part of the country and the north part is night and day! Do we have the money and resources to move further north? I am afraid no.

That is exactly what I feel...hostility! I don't feel comfortable voicing my opinions at work for example.

I tried many things to integrate, but when you are faced with hostility you kind of retract back into your own shell. I did ask the question many times... is it my fault? am i doing something wrong? In my last job I was super aware of these questions and made it a point to speak to other colleagues etc... but still I was called a black man infront of others to make fun of me. I have reported it to the manager and the person ended up suspended. I could not take the drama anymore and hostility any more because i was pictured as the bad person for reporting.

My country was a british colony and UK expats are very welcome. Infact many nationalities are welcome and we are quite happy to integrate. My wife worked in a place of work which was multicultured so no she did not experience what i am going throught right now.

We live on the west coast of Scotland. Foreigners are few and far between.

What utter rot, and how dare you try to assume you know more about his lived experience. Your comment just confirms his point that the UK can be a very unwelcoming place for immigrants.

How unkind of you to dismiss the OP's lived experience in such a petty way

it can take 3-5 years to settle in a place even another part of your own country I’ve found so no language barrier etc. I’m wondering if your struggles are partly down to the kind of work you do (some workplaces have more “banter” which could be misunderstood as racism when actually it’s not meant maliciously) or if you are missing context in spoken English so struggling to integrate? Your written English is good here. Perhaps your wife felt the same living overseas? I’ve got English friends living in Spain and in Italy married to nationals and both have issues of local people sidelining them, taking the Mickey out of them struggling with the language at speed, not understanding everything. It’s hard living overseas, my friend in Italy says they are all racist towards her which I think is an overstatement but her mil is her worst problem!

That is another reason I want to relocate back. Health system is better over there. I tried to get help like talking therapy but it is non existant here. You phone up practice and basicly you are told get on with it!

Why not move into Glasgow itself? It’s only 45 mins away and has a much higher proportion of immigrants than where you are now, so you wouldn’t stand out. Probably more job opportunities too. Surely worth a try, before you take the drastic step of leaving your wife and child behind.

If you are on the coast south of Glasgow that area has a lot of italian immigration over many many years. Completely integrated. So I am suprised and sad to hear your experience. Infact I'm really sad you've had that experience in Scotland.
Actually in the cities though may better. Both Edinburgh and Glasgow are have quite a varied cultural mix.

I'm not in the exact same situation, but I am facing a divorce in thailand, where I have lived with my Scottish husband for the last 15 years. We have been planning a move to spain. And he says that if we get divorced, he would stay in thailand, which would mean that I would move to Spain alone, and we would share custody of our 6 year old son. It's a daunting life decision, but I don't think I can stay in the marriage to avoid it. I feel like sometimes you have to make a decision that might feel selfish at first, for a better long-term future.

Hey, thanks for sharing your problems. As you can read from my post out situation is quite simillar. After a long and hard period of time, I took the decision to leave Scotland and I am now living in Malta. We are going through seperation and the first few weeks were hell for me. I miss my daughter every day but I make a huge effort to keep up with video calls and daily texts.

I am not saying it is easy but with therapy it helps a lot. Keep strong!

You be strong too. When will you get to see her again? Your daughter I mean.

End of June I am going to Scotland to bring her to Malta.

How about you? Is your situation any better?