Couple’s counsellor brought up domestic abuse

[Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore]

Just out of a session and feeling completely shaken up. We’re definitely separating but have been going because it had seemed to help us talk about things.

But in today’s session (a lot of which feels like a blur) he was talking about all the things he’d found difficult about me. That wasn’t pleasant, but it wasn’t unexpected.

Then the counsellor was asking me what I thought my flaws were. I said something pretty general about snapping at him when he hadn’t done anything.

But then she said - and I can’t remember the exact words - was it a situation where there was domestic abuse, and that’s why I couldn’t come up with anything.

Thing is it was. I’ve spoken to Women’s Aid in the past and they’ve told me he was emotionally abusive and had anger issues. But in that room - I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t feel I could say yes - which would lead to him either getting angry or depressed. Or say no, which would be a lie.

So I said nothing. But I started to shake uncontrollably - both of which were basically saying yes.

He left first so I didn’t speak to him afterwards. We have teen DCs so I have to have some contact with him.

I don’t know what I’m posting really. I’ve posted so much over the months… it has helped me though, so I suppose I just wanted to put it down somewhere.

There is a part of me that’s scared of how he’ll react. But even if he is reasonable, I just don’t know what to say to him.

Did you speak to the counsellor after he left? She shouldn't have raised it that way in front of him. That was irresponsible.

Oh OP, this is why couples therapy isn't recommended in situations of any type of abuse, because the situation can be worsened and you can't tell the truth.

I think I would seek your own support, therapy, counselling and consider stopping the couples counselling if you are separating anyway, and make it all about the technicalities of the separation and divorce, like practical stuff.

You can't be expecting yourself to disclose his angry emotionally abusive behaviour to this lady, you aren't safe (emotionally or even perhaps physically) and your body knows that. Take care of yourself in this situation.

I did - and she apologised for if it made me feel uncomfortable, but said it felt like it was basically sitting the I said under everything so needed to be addressed.

But what do I do now? I could tell him I didn’t know she was going to do that and I felt uncomfortable. But the next question is do you think I am…

Agreed. A reputable couples counsellor will talk to both individuals separately in advance, and won’t take on clients where there is domestic abuse disclosed.

It wasn't for her to bring her judgement into the room though. She has potentially put you at risk of further abuse in the name of her 'aha let's bring everything into the open because I'm an excellent counsellor' approach, which is much more about her than either of you as a couple.

Contact women’s aid to get on their radar and get their help and also go on the RISE course!! Absolutely amazing and massively helpful and they will also tell you to NEVER have mediation or counselling sessions with an abuser!! Because they just carry on and use those sessions against you and it makes you feel worse!! STOP all sessions and take advice from women’s aid as to how to manage him and contact with the children - if they want that - going forward. NEVER have him in your house and don’t have pickup from your house have it somewhere else neutral

also speak to the police - coercive control and other domestic abuse they actually take seriously now and it is an offensive and a chargeable one. You don’t have to have him charged now but having that on file if you need to call him if you don’t feel safe or he turns up at your house - NEVER let him in and DONT let him pick the kids up from your house!! - call the police!!

I just don’t know what he’s thinking now. And I don’t know what I’ll say. Even saying nothing feels like a loaded choice - because anything other than ‘what on earth was she saying’ is basically showing I agree. But my physical reaction said that too.

Respond with 'i think this is best discussed in counselling m' and refuse to talk about it with him. But that boundary in place, because anything else puts you in harms way!
I think your body instantly say a threat abdreacted in a completely normal way. You actually made a huge step by not just brushing it under the rug and denying it, so well done you!
I think you should consider how useful therapy is for you with your ex. It sounds like he is using it to continue to.abuse you, and understandably you are slightly desensitised to his abuse.
What positives have come out of therapy?
I say this knowing i shouldn't have done mediation with my ex, but 2 years after we split i thought i could do it. I was shaking uncontrollable, had a mini manic attack once it ended, sweaty palms... but body was telling me it wasn't a safe situation to be in, and yours was telling you the same.
Individual therapy- definitely do it and consider getting your teenagers into therapy too. What they have witnesses isn't a healthy relationship so it would be good for them to work through that now.
Parallel parenting- completely acceptable when coparenting.

Thanks @BookArt55 - though I’m sorry you went through something similar.

I don’t think he’ll want to go back to the counselling. I did find it a useful place to speak out. But even before the DS reference he was starting to think the therapist was taking my side.

I’m resisting the temptation to send him a message to smooth things over (if that’s even possible). He’s my DC’s dad so I don’t want him to do anything stupid. But I also now can’t put this back in its box.

Hand hold for you @Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore

go easy on yourself, you are dealing with a lot here.

You don't have to do anything.
You don't have to smooth things over.
It is not your job to manage his feelings.
It is only his job to manage his feelings, emotions and actions. Never yours.
Don't send the text, spend that energy on yourself.
And yes, you do need to coparent with him. But that doesn't require any looking after him. Distancing yourself is actually the best thing for the kids as you can then rebuild and put those boundaries in place.
But I completely understand, I felt the same! It took time!