DC never want to talk to their dad

[snowymarbles]

I’m never quite sure how to handle this - I have two DC one older teen, one younger. Their dad does not live anywhere they can come to so he comes to former marital home as I’m still there. (we have been divorced around 6 years)

he never does anything with them (and never really has) doesn’t take them anywhere, or even really talk to them more than superficially.he never did when we were married and since the divorce. Even when he saw them when younger in holidays the only time they did anything other than sit in the house was when I paid / arranged for him to take them to something.

He comes to see them - well comes to sit on the sofa and I literally have to force them to go and talk to him.the oldest usually obliges for a bit but the youngest usually just won’t come out of their room. (ND and does have issues around people in the house). Oldest is probably about f2f with him maybe 2-3 hours a week max, youngest 30 minutes.

they don’t really want him involved in their lives and in reality he doesn’t know that much about what’s going on with them.

I get the constant messages saying are they around at the weekend and I want to come and see them but they have their own life. I cannot help but think this is all the years of lack of much involvement coming back to bite. I feel like I should push them more but honestly they are teens. The oldest is out with gf or work most of the time and will be off to uni next year. I have previously tried suggesting he takes them for a coffee etc to get them out the house but it falls on deaf ears. They are honestly not fussed if they see him or not.

I see it's once a week that he comes to visit.

I wouldn't be forcing that situation on anyone to be honest. It doesn't sound as though neither you, your ex or either of your sons enjoys it so I'm not quite sure why it's happening? Who is so insistant that these visits go ahead?

Why is it always up to the woman to encourage contact with their father? I see this so often on mumsnet.
Don't get involved. Leave him there and go out or if he cant be left alone in your house go upstairs and do your own thing.
Or he can take them out to McDonalds or something.
Step back. Its his problem.

He wants more of a relationship with them….but just doesn’t seem to be able to engage with them in anyway that makes them want to have that relationship. I just feel the pressure that they are not interacting. I think some of it is that he lives in a bedsit to sees it as an opportunity to be out of their and in a different environment - that then means he spends hours in the house just sitting there whe dc want to just get on with their life.

Tell him he can’t sit in your house any longer. He can take the kids out.

@Gettingbysomehowi do my own thing but I suppose what I want I need to do is try and tell him tactfully that it isn’t working. I also don’t want him round the house all the time but I have put up with it when younger to facilitate the relationship.

The youngest doesn’t give a f* about being nice so just does their own thing. The oldest feels more obliged.

Yeah I'd be ending that set up.

If the kids don't want to see him they don't have to. Can't they just explain that to him? Now is a good time for them to learn how to communicate difficult scenarios effectively. Something they will need to do going forward into adult life.

How about he arranges it direct with the kids from now on given they're teenagers?

If he's sat on your sofa then they are going to sit in their rooms. It's what they would have done if you had stayed together (just ask any family with teens).

He needs to take them out. Cinema, lazer tag, McDonald's or whatever the teen version is nowadays and if they refuse then there's really nothing you or he can do.

I'm assuming the teens have their own mobiles so he can maintain direct contact with them. No need for you OR your house to be involved any more. It's not your place.