Long back story which I’ll summarise briefly. Been together over 20 years, 4 children. He was always selfish but has mental health issues which has caused a series of breakdowns over recent years which have required hospitalisation. I have had to be carer as well as working mum. The children have become my priority after years of ‘friends’ telling me to put him and his health first. We separated last year when I couldn’t cope with his paranoia and accusations anymore (discovered he was on dating app but accused me of having an affair for months -I wasn’t and never have). when he’s ill it affects us all. I’ve had to take time off work to cope with his paranoid delusions and beg for help from mental health services. Have no family living nearby. This illness is for life…
He’s trying to get back together and I’ve been considering it because he was making more of an effort and promising lots. His focus is on me. He says he cares for the children and always says they need their father in their lives but he hasn’t paid anything towards them for a year, he complains about their out of school clubs if they fall on his weekends, he puts his needs first and picks and chooses when he wants to see them, doing what he wants to with them, not compromising. We’ve been spending more time together but a lot springs up each time. He says he wants to be adored, he is very good at telling me that I don’t do enough for him-not enough affection, don’t tell him I love him etc. I’m scared and confused, he can’t think of anyone else except himself. The main reason I would consider getting back together is I worry about the children with him -the main problem of his breakdowns is running away (police and ambulances involved for last 5 years) thinking people are going to kill him so I worry he would take them with him. I isolated myself during his breakdowns because no one else understood what it was to live with someone with difficult mental illness. When we separated, joint friends sided with him, told me I had let him down and he played the victim. I have been kind and very accommodating to keep him happy and on-side with regards to childcare. I want it that he has them every other weekend. Every so often he gets aggressive (verbally) and says he needs to see the children more and no court would not let him have them in the week. Again, he always says it’s so important the children see their dad. The children have asked that we don’t live together again, my youngest becomes distressed around him but won’t tell me why. The reason I thought we should get back together is that I could ‘protect’ them from his shit parenting and when he inevitably gets ill again.
Last night we had an argument and he said if we divorce he will go for more childcare and wants to see the children more and it felt threatening. I can see that the little savings I have will go on solicitors fighting for the welfare of the children which he doesn’t really care for… it’s just an entitlement.