Reassurance Needed: Ex Husband is a Shit

HopeWithNotes · 2026-01-17T23:01:46+00:00

Ive recently found out that the attic room my dd (17) is staying in at my ex husband’s OW’s house is basically uninhabitable. I thought it was a fully converted room until my daughter said she was cold and I asked about heating. Since then I’ve found out there’s no heating up there and the window doesn’t open which is a huge risk if there’s a fire. I said to my dd I really didn’t want her to stay over but her Dad guilt trips her if she doesn’t stop. I ended up in a huge row with ex. I tried to start off reasonably but he reverts to being nasty if anybody tells him things he doesn’t want to hear. He basically said I’m a tit, who loves the sound of my own voice and told me to piss off. I’d laugh the insults off because they sound so ridiculous but if I’m honest I actually feel really demeaned. My daughter’s 17. I can’t stop her from staying but now I’m worrying about damp and mould and respiratory illnesses. Yes my ex has always been unreasonable and awkward with a nasty streak. He can also be charming and manipulative. Please be kind. I don’t know what to do. I’m having a really hard time at the moment with other difficulties so if you haven’t got anything nice/productive to say just please don’t say anything at all.

Moen · 18/01/2026 07:05

I wouldn’t be happy with this either OP.

Don’t let her be emotionally blackmailed by him, she’s old enough to decide where she wants to stay. She can still see him and choose not to stay over.

Sugarsugarcane · 18/01/2026 07:14

Talk to your daughter supportively about boundaries, respect and the importance of everyone having autonomy and agency in their own lives.
then ask her to consider what she really wants to do in this situation, don’t pressure her, tell her she has as much time as she needs to think about that and that you will support the outcome.
if she decides she does want to stay then let her stay and if you’re so concerned about a fire then send her with a wireless smoke detector in her bag?
especially at 17 she needs to be allowed to make decisions for herself and you remain a support for those those decisions and the fall out if there is any, be very careful not to mix in your thoughts about your ex with how you think she should be feeling, it’s easy to do.
you need to put some healthy separation in place with your daughter now or you’re at risk of also becoming a controlling parent driven by anxiety. I do get your concerns re the room she is staying in but my god at 17 I stayed in alot worse and was fine.
take care OP, I know what a mean, disrespectful and emotionally abusive ex does to your nervous system xx

MikeRafone · 18/01/2026 07:14

I’d be careful concerned, but at 17 I’d not be getting involved.

id be explaining to my daughter that emotional blackmail is very wrong and no man she has any type of relationship with should be doing this

aleeping in a cold damp room isn’t pleasant and she needs to think why her dad 🧑 s doing that, just sleep on the sofa

Original poster

HopeWithNotes · 18/01/2026 14:00

Thanks all. I would never want to come across as a controlling parent @Sugarsugarcane so you’re absolutely right it needs to be dds decision. I will definitely have a talk around boundaries and dd feeling able to say how she feels. It’s difficult with her Dad. His automatic response is defend, deflect, verbally attack. He’s so good at twisting things he can make you feel like the most reasonable request is somehow your fault in the first place. It’s so difficult to explain. I know dd sees it too but the implications of standing up to him would include being ostracised from his family, her aunty and the cousins she loves dearly. They all stand by ex no matter how he behaves. She did choose to stay at home but then he started almost ignoring her and saying she was selfish… which was ridiculous but he manages to convince everybody he’s right. It’s hard to find the right balance of pointing out unacceptable behaviour and boundaries versus coming across as controlling but I’ll gently try my best.

OP posts:

igivein · 18/01/2026 14:06

Suggest a work-around - he sleeps in the attic room and she gets his room.

Dollyfloss · 18/01/2026 14:06

HopeWithNotes · 18/01/2026 14:00

Thanks all. I would never want to come across as a controlling parent @Sugarsugarcane so you’re absolutely right it needs to be dds decision. I will definitely have a talk around boundaries and dd feeling able to say how she feels. It’s difficult with her Dad. His automatic response is defend, deflect, verbally attack. He’s so good at twisting things he can make you feel like the most reasonable request is somehow your fault in the first place. It’s so difficult to explain. I know dd sees it too but the implications of standing up to him would include being ostracised from his family, her aunty and the cousins she loves dearly. They all stand by ex no matter how he behaves. She did choose to stay at home but then he started almost ignoring her and saying she was selfish… which was ridiculous but he manages to convince everybody he’s right. It’s hard to find the right balance of pointing out unacceptable behaviour and boundaries versus coming across as controlling but I’ll gently try my best.

Gosh, they all sound extremely toxic. Your poor dd.

Could she have some therapy to address these issues? Maybe a third party could help? I’d find this incredibly difficult and personally I’d just refuse her going there. Why does she need to stay over? Can’t they even put a plug in electric heater up there for her?

Sympathy from me - sounds like you and your dd would be much better off without this man in your life. My bf has a similar situation with her ex and seeing how he still
manipulates her dc’s years later is heartbreaking 😞

Sugarsugarcane · 18/01/2026 17:03

HopeWithNotes · 18/01/2026 14:00

Thanks all. I would never want to come across as a controlling parent @Sugarsugarcane so you’re absolutely right it needs to be dds decision. I will definitely have a talk around boundaries and dd feeling able to say how she feels. It’s difficult with her Dad. His automatic response is defend, deflect, verbally attack. He’s so good at twisting things he can make you feel like the most reasonable request is somehow your fault in the first place. It’s so difficult to explain. I know dd sees it too but the implications of standing up to him would include being ostracised from his family, her aunty and the cousins she loves dearly. They all stand by ex no matter how he behaves. She did choose to stay at home but then he started almost ignoring her and saying she was selfish… which was ridiculous but he manages to convince everybody he’s right. It’s hard to find the right balance of pointing out unacceptable behaviour and boundaries versus coming across as controlling but I’ll gently try my best.

OP you have my sympathy, damage limitation and trying to work against someone’s controlling behaviour seems like an impossible balance.
as someone else suggested, some therapy for your daughter sounds like a good shout. Takes the pressure off you a little and also great time before she would be of an age where she could possible get into a serious relationship, she will be best set up to see flags and know her worth.
be kind to yourself, you’re doing great xx