In the thick of divorce… needing hope from those on the other side

[MarellaJoy]

Hi everyone,
I’m currently in the thick of a divorce and it’s honestly draining ongoing negotiations, high conflict/narcissistic behaviour, and I’m trying my best to protect my two DC (4 &6) through it all.

To make things worse, I’m having to sell the family home and at 34 years old I’ll be moving back in with my mum, which feels really unsettling and like such a step backwards.

If you’ve been through divorce and come out the other side, I would really love to hear your stories of hope. How did you get through it? Did life get happier again? Did you find love, rebuild, or even go on to create a new family?

I’d be so grateful for any hopeful stories or messages right now ❤️

Hi Op, I am in the same boat as you, so whilst I can't say what it's like the other side I just wanted to offer solidarity. It's so incredibly hard, how far along are you?

I'm 7 weeks in now, and I've filed for divorce. We're due to start mediation next week. I'm feeling a bit better that we're actually moving on now. Go easy on yourself, you'll be ok in the end ❤

I'm two years in, kids are 3 and 7. I had to move in with my mum too.
Honestly, moving in with my mum meant I could keep the kids in the same nursery and school, they were used to that home so they were settled there to some extent already. You also have some support from your mum- even just emotional! Gives you time to breathe and then make a plan when you can focus on it.

This time next year you will feel so much better and be able to see how far you and the kids have come.

Get therapy (safe outlet and to work through things), the kids might need play therapy, keep school informed so they can support them, get legal advice, find your team- friends and family.

As for dating... I went on one date recently and decided I am still not ready for it 🙂 🤪 someone needs to give me advice! But I have friends a little older than me who have all been through this and found their forever person and are happily married and keep telling me I will find my best friend... I won't hold my breathe as I highly doubt I can pick a good one haha!

But there is hope! And when you're in the thick of it, like you are right now, it is hard to see. My kids are happy, I'm happy, and i don't doubt my decision for a second.

I am 2 years ahead of you and life is immeasurably better: kids are used to 50 50 with their dad, family house sold, bought own beautiful cottage and painted it joyous colours. Everyone around me says I look happier and healthier. Met a wonderful new man. Am at peace every day and not dreading seeing at home with exH and his horrible belittling comments and lack of affection. Good luck on your journeys!

Four years in and life is good. I have learned a boring and peaceful life is one to cherish.
There will always be hard moments, but this will all be absolutely worth it!
The best bit of it all is how close the children and I are now. We're a proper unit of three and it's glorious.

Offering solidarity and positive thoughts.
I'm coming to the end of my legal separation/splitting of assets/buying his share of our home. Its been a long hard road to get here as he too was very narcissistic and delayed things every step of the way.
Initially when he was taken away by the police (and rightly so) I felt such calm and it allowed me time to heal a little.
The middle found me joining clubs, getting out and about a bit, looking and feeling younger, health improved 100% and I could see that the future was not going to be so bleak after all.
Now, nearly at the end of the legal road and feel so sad :-(

No earth shattering advice here except to let yourself feel everything - it's how we heal. Cry when you need to. Take extra long soaks in the bath, watch some girly films and just generally be kind to yourself.

The past has gone, the future takes care of itself and the present is all you need to worry about right now - says she now going off for a sob in the bath!

Big hug.

I’m not through it yet, but in the same position as you. 10 months separated from my ExH. Still having to live in the same house part of the week due to his job, which is… great 😬 not 😂

I’m also likely to be moving in with my parents with my 2 girls. Not ideal when you are used to having your own house, but a very practical move and as my Mum put it, will give me the breathing space I need before deciding where to live and gives me room to make measured financial decisions too. It’s likely it will come out of the house sale with very little so I need to make wise decisions.

I can honestly say as much as I would have said I was happy and him cheating completely blindsided me, I am happier. I’m really looking after myself (not just face masks and journals) spending time making myself good food, exercising, spending time with friends who make me feel good, finding out what I enjoy. And most importantly spending as much time as possible with my kids, less time on my phone, being grateful for the little things.

6 months ago the future terrified me. Now, I cannot wait to build a home and life with my girls that makes me smile every day. Life feels so much lighter now I’m not living with a very negative and frankly ungrateful person. I hadn’t realised how bad things had gotten and how much time and energy I poured into him instead of myself.

Im no where near ready to date and right now don’t really want a relationship. But I feel like if there is someone out there for me, they’ll be there when I’m ready.

The peace is bloody amazing OP.
DD and I are well and truly out the other side now and it’s bliss.
It was a tough journey, keep going.

I'm sorry you're going through this - it is incredibly hard.

I found out my husband was having an affair with a friend of mine and wanted to leave about 4 years ago (I was 41). My world collapsed - we'd always had an amazing marriage and family life so it came as a huge shock to me.

My husband changed after COVID when our businesses were hit - he spiralled and found reassurance, validation and comfort in our friend rather than me (he'd hidden the extent financial worry from me). What followed was a bitter divorce (I too had to leave my beautiful family home and live with my parents for a while with my 2 DDs.

It was awful. I actually trained as a Divorce coach, which helped a lot as I was no longer doing it alone and I had the tools to support myself.

Fast forward to now - I'm in my own (much smaller) home, my coaching business and I have a new partner and life is good again.

Most importantly, my kids are happy and settled again (it was really tough for them).