Planning for escape.

[Girlingtongirlie]

I find myself in some pretty bizarre circumstances.The background is I have been in an abusive relationship for 20 years. Loads of financial control which has left me as the sole provider for the family.
I have at times gone with holes in my clothes and on occasion food.
I have asked for a separation, he has asked for 3 months to ‘prove’ himself. He has given me access to his accounts and told me that I have free rein. I have since discovered that he is planning to return to his home country in 3 months and is essentially using me for board and lodging. I have talked to a domestic abuse charity who advised keeping my head down till he leaves of his own accord. I have started to make small purchases like canned goods, school uniforms, nappies. Can anyone think of further ideas that I can create a small stockpile of goods. I’m not confident enough to buy gift cards as I think he’ll catch on. Purchase ideas need to be focused on the children who are 3,7 and 11. Many thanks.

Get the passports and all other important documents out of the house or hidden extremely well, including anything special like photos and sentimental things.
Next size up of clothing and shoes for the three kids. Buy in the sale now for next winter, which I could say to my ex was all 50% off. Prepared me for when I left as it was all sorted.
Stash of cash- emergency fund. £10 or £20 a week, any spare change, so he doesn't notice.
Wishing you all the luck, I hope it goes smoothly!

Prepay hobbies and anything you can at school like bus fares. Load up the lunch accounts. In terms of groceries: stockpile medicines, pet food, toiletries. Renew car MOT and all insurances (say you got a better deal) so they’re valid for a year.

Can you buy any new electronic items (say it’s in the sale) then keep the old ones to resell “when you get the time” perhaps?

Thankyou @Clavella and @BookArt55.

I have bought winter coats for next years. A ridiculous amount of cleaning products (I have told him I’m spring cleaning). Two big bottles of calpol and six boxes of plasters.
I have booked swimming lessons as none of them know how to swim.

I can’t access cash as he has only put his debit on my Apple Pay. Back in the day I used to pretend I had to pay a window cleaner (did them myself)so he would give me cash but I’ve run through that stash of money with general living expenses.

I know you said you’re not confident to buy gift cards, but if you’re doing supermarket shopping in store can you add money to a gift card balance at the till? Otherwise can you get cashback, a bit every time?

How about paying ahead for after achool club? Or if you have a government nursery account could you add extra into that and it'll be there for the future?
Car wash- cash but do it yourself like the windows?
Could you buy some bits then return them and keep the money?

I have a friend who is leaving my work next and I was thinking to buy a gift card and if he asks put it down to that. I’m pretty cautious about getting caught though.

On the other hand, it’s not worth doing anything that you feel puts you at any risk. In my experience (I planned my exit last year) i stocked up some home stuff as you’ve done (olive oil is a good one!!) and some school uniforms but then also i was able to get quite a lot of things we needed (plates, kitchen stuff etc) for free from local groups but you may not need to worry about this if he’s leaving and you will still be in your home. But otherwise you should only do what you feel comfortable with - and good luck, I found MN a great source of support and ideas when I was making my plans.

Think about summer. I'd buy the next sizes up in school uniforms. Summer shoes, sun cream. Say things are good value in the sales.

Can you add some credit to the school dinner money account?

Maybe a mobile phone for your 11 year old. Would be handy to have a back up or would that cause suspicion.

@Teeteringonthebrink45 olive oil is a good one it’s so expensive!
@Meadowfinch just added money for dinner money account.
@Toomanysofttoys i think the phone would mean his bank would alert him. I’m going to buy a hairdryer, haven’t one in 8 years.

I just want to say you are brave, your children are lucky to have you, and I am willing you on with your steps into freedom