What ducks do I need to get in a row?

[Georgia36]

Hi there... I need to approach OH (a stone waller and gas lighter) about separating and divorce. But I keep hearing I need to have ducks in a row, get documents together safe, draft proposals for childcare arrangements, living arrangements etc. Can anyone help me brain storm what I need to do as I am struggling with it all. I just want to start the ball rolling but also want to be in the best position I can be at the outset. Thank you in advance.

Watching with interest

Hi, try and get copies of all financial documents, pension statements, payslips, P60’s anything and everything you can. Take copies of mortgage papers etc everything. If you have children, put your own and their passports somewhere safe or give them to someone you trust. If there is abuse be careful when you tell him.
there are no need to draft childcare arrangements at this stage but those conversations will need to be had between you both.
speak to a solicitor if you can about your home / pensions and intentions too and change your will too if you’re able to

At its most basic it is about ensuring you have organised all the information about your personal finances and marital finances. Most people are generally on top of this anyway. You can also update or prepare information about your current outgoings and assess ability to maintain and improve your income.

I don’t think it necessary to take passports and birth certificates unless there is a credible concern about abduction. These documents should be secured by both of you as parents in any case. As part of agreement you reach you will decide which of you maintains possession of these documents in the future. But any co parenting arrangement will require for them to be shared.

Co parenting and financial arrangements are things you will need to negotiate and agree between you. Negotiations rarely get off to a good start if one party tries to dictate what will happen.

Any co parenting agreement will need to be made in the interests of the children. Any financial arrangement will need to make you both equal.

It is worth noting that married people are allowed to have their own personal assets and finances. Information about these can be openly shared within the marriage and often are. However if they aren’t you don’t have the right to try to obtain the information without the other party’s consent.

Remove from the home anything important, memory things. That you would be gutted to lose, leave then at a friend's house with copies of all important documents.
I would see a solicitor and gather information about where yous stand, taking all financial things as mentioned above including pensions, equity in the house in applicable, savings.
If you are concerned his actions may become erratic and angry, I'm thinking more if he is emotionally abusive as you mention gaslighting and stonewalling, then I would suggest having an overnight bag at someone else's house also.
Change all your passwords to something he can't guess. If someone is abusive, then as they lose control their behaviour can escalate.