How to tell kids we are splitting

[Kingfisher101]

How do I tell my children their dad and I are separating?

My husband of 13 years has said he wants to separate. At first I was heartbroken but have accepted it for what it is. I asked him to stay so we can try but this is not what he wants. We still live together and made the decision before Christmas to tell the children in the next school break. This is now five weeks away. He will be staying with family and not have his own place yet. I am also a child of divorce so I know first hand how NOT to do it and remember it being heartbreaking. I do not want this for my children. He will be moving out while they are off school. I didn’t want to tell them too early and make them anxious thinking about it and also didn’t want to spring it on them.

The hardest part of all of this is telling them. The children are 7, 9 and 11. Help :(

You are brave and wonderful for thinking about this and planning it. I wish my ex had thought about this. I think this advice is helpful: https://www.relate.org.uk/telling-children-youre-separating.

Instead he told our then 14 year old that I was hiding upstairs because I was crying, and they asked "are you splitting up" and he said "yes", and as far as I can tell just left them to it because we hadn't discussed any details because he'd only just told me the exciting news. I made sure that later we did a version of the above, that we were both there and reiterated it wasn't DC's fault, but it was pretty awful because I was still in shock and we still hadn't discussed how it was going to work.

Remind them they are very loved, that they have done nothing wrong, that it us an adult decision. And two happy homes is important. Could get a book, it helped mine, my 7 year old still likes to read it now- Two Homes filled with Love, story in divorce, on amazon worked really well.
As yours are a bit older, if you two can work out when the kids will be with each of you before telling them and have a visual schedule to show them that might be a practical route. They might not want to see it in that moment, but my then 5 year old asked straight away when he would be at each home and I had it ready... it seemed to help him by knowing visually on the wall when he would see both of us. Both the kids still use it now.

Thank you both ☺️
splitting up is something I never wanted and I would have worked at our marriage until the day I died, but I love and respect his decision. I know this will be heartbreaking for all of us as we are quite a close family unit.
I have already made a calendar for us all and have reminded their dad that routine is needed to help them through this.
I may have used ChatGPT to also draft some words which has been helpful! I’ve researched what not to say as want this to be as least painful as possible. We are doing it on Feb 15th as to not tarnish Valentine’s Day for them. He will be moving out a couple of days after and not packing a thing in front of the children

Kids that age want to know a few main things like can they see the dog? Will they still see daddy? Can they see their friends/go to school, will the computer be at daddy’s etc

above all keep it amicable
best of luck

I don’t think there is an easy way to break it. Surely you break it together. Try to be respectful of each other keep it simple kids need security. Focus on the practicalities. If you have made the decision before Xmas but not moving out til 15th Feb I’d be surprised if the kids haven’t already picked up on things not being quite right between you.

It was very hard. The worst thing I've ever had to do.

They will probably be in shock. Once the initial bit is over, make them a sweet drink or give them a snack.

Mind had a lot of practical questions: should they tell their friends? When? What should they say? Will their teachers know? What about their netball team? Do they have to tell everyone?

We also gave them a fixed date: Dad is moving out tomorrow, and then you'll see him on Sunday when he comes to pick you up and take you out for [whatever].

Tomorrow we tell them. This has been planned since November but I am feeling sick from anxiety today. I know it needs to be done but even approaching the situation is awful. I need to realise that no matter how it is said or done, they will be upset no matter what. But that’s the problem, isn’t it, no one wants to intentionally hurt their child.

I get that you are experiencing anxiety but don’t build this up to be something it isn’t people separate all the time for all sorts of reasons. The parents who are successful often keep their arguments with each other away from the kids. You mention your anxiety how is your husband dealing with things?

Please prepare them. Don't let them come home one day and he's just not there any more.

Get their dad to think about how its goingnto be going forward so that he can tell them, for example:

• I'll be living at nan's and she's already saying we ought to get you over one day a week for film nite and takeaway

• Yes, I'll still be coming to footie/ helping you with your maths homework etc.

Can't think of any more example atm, but the important thing is to stress the continuity in the relationship with their dad, and that some of the things they value inntheirvlives will not disappear. And tgat you andvtheir dad have actually though about them and have a plan.

I was in absolute pieces before I did it. Thought I was going to ruin their lives.
turned out, after a few tears they asked sensible questions. Wanted to see the new house (online)
It was nowhere near as bad as I thought, and the news settled in gradually over a week or so.
Hold your nerve, try to keep explanations short, and have decent answers. The NSPCC website has good guidance that I read beforehand. Their teachers/ family support workers will have experience and will be able to keep a close eye on them at school and do some stories/ nurture time etc.
best of luck with it

Just an update, they have been amazing. Of course there were tears and questions but today they are laughing and playing. I know this has been for the best and I feel the way we delivered it was the best way possible; we are still friends and we will see each other all the time.