My husband and I have been together around 12 years, married for 4. We have a toddler. Recently my husband has said he wants to separate because he says he hasn’t felt the same love for me “for years”, even before we had a child, and that he doesn’t want any more children and even doubts even getting married. This has come completely out of the blue for me and I’m distraught.
There has been no affair (I genuinely believe this, and his parents also don’t think there is another woman). It feels more like a midlife crisis or him walking away from normal dry patches (bickering, snapping at each other, lack of affection etc) that many couples experience, particularly after having a baby. He doesn’t seem willing to work on things and is avoiding the issues rather than addressing them.
We jointly own our home 50/50, but I put in the original £40k deposit to get us on the property ladder (I have proof of this and sending it to solicitors for house purchase). There is no deed of trust in place. I understand that in the event of separation, a court may take this into account alongside the fact that I’m the primary carer for our toddler, potentially leading to a 60–70% split in my favour, though I know nothing is guaranteed.
Over the last 3 months, my husband has repeatedly left the family home for weeks at a time to have time to himself and spends most weekends staying with friends. Leaving me full caring for our child. He detaches from family life when it suits him, then drifts back in. Because of this instability, I’ve seriously considered applying for an Occupation Order (possibly without notice), but I’m worried it may escalate things unnecessarily and “rock the boat” too much at this stage.
At the same time, when he is at home, he appears to be coexisting under the same roof largely because it’s financially safer for him, rather than because the situation is healthy or workable. There is no real discussion about separation, co-parenting, or future arrangements. It feels as though he wants the emotional freedom of separation without facing the practical or financial consequences of actually separating, which is becoming increasingly unsustainable for me.
A significant issue is childcare. Due to my full-time working hours, I rely on him for morning nursery drop-offs and pick-ups. On several occasions during arguments, he has threatened to simply leave and not do these, effectively using childcare as leverage. He has also suggested that I should look for a local job, reduce my hours, or even stop working and go on benefits, which feels unfair and unrealistic, especially as I’ve always worked and contributed financially.
He says he wants to move out, but in reality he can’t afford to rent properly and is now looking at house shares - so going back on himself like student times. I can’t afford the full mortgage and bills on my own — my salary only just covers my half, which I’ve always paid.
My questions are:
• If he moves out, is he still legally responsible for paying half the mortgage and household bills, given that it’s jointly owned and our child lives here full time?
• On top of that, would he also be legally required to pay child maintenance, even if he continues contributing to the mortgage/bills?
• Is it reasonable for me to expect that he cannot simply walk away financially while I shoulder the childcare and housing responsibility?
• Has anyone been in a similar position where one partner emotionally checks out but avoids the financial reality of separation?
I’m trying to stay calm and practical, but the situation feels very one-sided and emotionally draining, especially with a young child involved. Any advice or similar experiences would be really appreciated.