Any good stories of separating from a controlling ex (with kids)?

[confusedandcuriousaboutlife]

Feel like this is a big ask but I am losing hope.

It’s been over 2 years and his constant change of tactics is really wearing me down. To the point I am thinking about giving in to his demands. I have been advised from Women’s Aid not to do that.

I am the higher earner and he has always hated that. Hates “giving me money”. Has tried everything to get what he wants which is not to pay child maintenance.

i have felt like saying just keep the money and leave me alone.

He does have contact but wants more.

He has been feeding the kids a narrative against me and what I do etc. It’s just been an awful experience.

The most worrying thing now is the impact on the children. We do imminently have objective support coming to work with the children.

I have no confidence in the legal system due to insight into how it’s set up and the high volume of stories hearing about abusive parents getting increased contact.

Anyways there’s so much more of course but I am at the point of giving up and hope to hear a positive story. Right now, if someone in my position was considering separating from their partner under the circumstances I would tell them to stay. Stay in that abusive and controlling environment because when you’re out, your ex will hurt you even more than he did before - through your children, use the system, use control of child maintenance and, it will impact the children more and more.

Feels horrible to say that but that’s where I am at 😔

So sorry you're going through this - stay strong. I'm further down the line than you - 7 years out. My ex was foul during the first 4 years, also to avoid paying child maintenance and punish me for moving on. Didn't see DS for nearly a year despite me emailing and offering, but as soon as I (finally) contacted CMS, came up with a contact schedule for the whole year! I'm still mortified by the lies he spewed to my family (including DS) and the court, despite a judge at one point really tearing him off a strip.
The divorce took 4 years to finalise (covid) but that pretty much sorted it; although he didn't get everything he wanted (spousal maintenance, rent for the time me and DS lived in the family home and I was paying the mortgage by myself with no CM!) I did decide to settle for a straight 50/50 split even though I knew he wouldn't pay maintenance. The ability to be away from him and the drama was more important than the paltry amount I would have to force out of him.
Now my life is 100% better. Haven't had to speak to him for years, DS sees him on his own terms maybe 4 times a year.

Don’t give up OP. Do not give in to his demands, if you do he will be emboldened and ramp it up.
We’ve finally come out the other side of this living hell, it took a long time but we got there.
How old are your DC? I was told that DC vote with their feet at 11, this was true in our case.
I can completely sympathise with how you are feeling but don’t let the bully win.

I just didn’t claim the CM as could manage without it. I never wanted dc to feel their dad was only seeing them for financial reasons. However he was a lazy low earner so it wasn’t a big loss. The less involved he is the better for my mental health.

I'm also 2 years in and I read your post thinking I have these thoughts sometimes. But then i look at my kids who have a safe home the majority of the time, they get to be themselves, I can be their supportive and safe person, and they get a full break from their dad. From people I know who have been through this, as adults their kids realise the truth and become well rounded adults. My friend's mum didn't leave until her and her older brother were both at uni. Now both have opening admitted they will never have kids, never marry (both now in long term relationships but they haven't had it easy and therapy has been needed), and they wish their mum had left way earlier. All their childhood memories are their dad and his demands and outrageous behaviour. One is NC and one is LC, both In their 30s and 40s.

Keep going! You've done the fight thing. Therapy might be a good outlet, journalling, mindfulness. Look after yourself! So you have a cup to pour from.