Do all acrimoniously divorced or previously abusive exes attend ‘joint’ events together?

[SpaceAging]

really quite incredibly, despite recognising they live in a much,, safer environment since the divorce, BC very often prefer to have joint events. It’s like it’s their way to bring the Parents back together. This is despite sometimes recognising the harm that has been done when together (police involved when living together, et cetera). Other time there is blank amnesia which I believe is probably a coping strategy and I never remind of the reality of how it was because we are all doing really well and I bweive they will, in their own good time, bring it out to deal with -if not with me, then another trusted adult – when they are ready.

But when it comes to birthdays, Christmas, cinema, sporting events, School parent evenings, they seem to want both Parents to be present together I find it impossible to relax at all of those events if the ex is there so I began to refuse to do parent evenings for example, with the ex. I found them to be absolutely brilliant connections with the teachers when done freely by myself, which we all benefited from. However, this year the ex has invited himself to join me in my booked appointment. Ex has discussed it with DC who have agreed.

It got me wondering, what do other people do? I need to make it clear I’m not talking about splits for exes that can still be friends. I’m talking about the sort of thing that was the most horrific experience to live with and then go through courts over, that I have never experienced in my entire life. I am still recovering and after 4 years still cannot well sleep at night. I'm not ally really resilient but this one floored me.

Do acrimonious exes still try to sort it and put on a false smile and endure it, even though they know they cannot be free to talk to the teachers or be themselves socially at various events while the ex is there looming over them. Does there come a point when the children have to accept that Mum And Dad are not together ,but separate now? At this rate, they will be trying to invite their Dad to my holidays! I want to do right by them, but I also want to do right by me and I’m struggling because the two seem to be opposites.

Parents evenings at school yes, all other stuff no. Do birthdays etc separately.
They have no power over you, rinse and repeat.

No. I don't do joint parent evenings. Nor is it my job to facilitate it for my ex. If he wants to know how DS is doing at school, he should engage with it and never had done. I always made my position clear with school and told them that I was sorry for the inconvenience but I would not be attending anything with him present.

As for other stuff, I will have to suck it up when it comes to graduation and weddings etc in future but I don't feel safe around my ex. I am going to find it hard.

I don't do joint parents evenings either. My ex doesn't seem that interested in it and my dc seem to prefer me to go. If he chooses to go, then I don't. (I'm happy to try to speak to teachers separately).

I did do a joint (big) birthday for one of my dc recently but apart from that and weddings I won't do anything with my ex. He was very abusive to me (and still is) and I find it too difficult to be even near him.

I think you need to find an age appropriate way of saying to your children that you're divorced and you and the ex will take it in turns to attend events but won't do it together.

I don't think it's reasonable to put children in the position of choosing between their parents.

Surely if DCs are school age they don't get to decide who attends parents evening . I thought you were talking about older DCs for graduations or weddings .

In age appropriate way you can tell your DCs that you will not be attending events together.

Absolutely fucking not. My ex does now attend parents evening, but seperately to me. We can each book a time slot, and they are usually held over 2 days. He also attends sports day but doesnt look in my direction.

Id have preferred it if we could have been civil, but hes a controlling, pathetic excuse of a man who has made my life, and divorce, so difficult that i can barely stand to look at him.

I don't do any joint events with my ex. That was on the advice of my psychologist who supported me during the tail end of the abusive relationship and as I left him and learnt how to rebuild my life. There's never been any pressure from school to do joint parent evenings and a few medical appointments we have attended jointly have made me feel really stressed and you tried to use them as a means to abuse me.
We do now go sometimes to the same performance of a show if one of the children's in a show for a long time I used to ask school to make sure that I was booked into a different show from dad and they were really nice about.

In all honesty though after a few years of using the court system to continue the abuse and of quite high energy behavior around co-parenting (nasty messages refusing to return things that belong to the children etc) he's actually pretty much checked out of the parenting the children now and travels overseas a lot and rarely even bothers coming to the children's events. I worry where he's moved his abusive energy onto but largely just feel relief that it's more a case of disinterestedness now rather than overt abuse

My kids are 3 and 7, they would love for us all to spend time together. Recently ex invited himself to a day out in front of my kids and I had to say no, I looked like the bad guy. Ex also told me he was now invited to the birthday party as kids had invited him, again I said no, he told them I was mean, selfish, and that it wasn't my party to control. My response has been that I celebrate with the kids during my time, you celebrate during your time.
Both my kids have a lot of medical appointments- Only time you will see me near my ex. Parents evenings i do my own, nativities or anything like that we sit away from each other.
I've explained to the kids that I support them by making sure they have time with their dad, but that i can't be around him. They understand/have seen/see now that he is unkind about me and to me, so they understand a bit. But they still would love us all together. However, in my experience, the kids then feel like they need to choose between which parent to give their attention to. My kids feel torn, So I take away that awkward situation for them both. If I attend to support an event and it is a dad day, then I explain before hand that I will watch the event, and then excuse myself so have a good weekend and I will see you at handover where I praise them and we talk about it.
Although I think it is lovely, and the best thing, to be able to share big events like birthdays together- if the relationship was or is abusive then by putting myself in the firing line I am also putting my kids in a situation where they witness the abuse. I will not teach them it is okay for anyone to treat me in that manner, I want them to know it is okay to have boundaries, something I am still learning about!

I've done one wedding, where he lasted about 20 minutes before the verbals started, one graduation, where he was in his best behaviour, and his DM's funeral.

I've not seen him for 12 years now. DC are adults now and deal with him direct.

Thank you, it really helped to hear your views. I appreciate it and am sorry to have such good company - I wish none of us had to be in this position.