Is it possible to start over at 58?

[beanstoastie]

Does anyone have any experience of divorce/separation after over 30 years of marriage? I found out a few years ago that DH was having an affair for 2 years. I started divorce proceedings and he moved out to be with her. After 4 weeks he came round to ask for another chance. I said ok and we tried to make another go of it. It has never been the same since. He got a new job about 5 years ago and I've never been invited to any work do's or weddings etc. He goes on his own. He has a friend who lives abroad and he goes there every year. I recently found out that he hasn't told this friend that he is married. When I confronted him about it he said he would tell him. A couple of weeks ago I asked him if he had told him and he got very defensive and said 'why are you bringing this up again?'. I have had the silent treatment ever since.
I'm beginning to wonder if life would be different if we just went our separate ways. He has hurt me in so many ways.
Apologies for long post.

Don’t apologise for posting I think it’s what MN is for….
didn’t want to read and run but briefly, yes after 38 years I did. No infidelity but a growing realisation we were not and could not make each other happy. Please don’t waste your precious life on anyone who does respect and cherish you.

there is life and contentment to be had alone or with a new partner. Someone will be along to advise you on financial and other matters but it’s never too late to start again with yourself at the centre of decisions. All the best 💐

‘Who does not’

Absolutely, yes. You are worth more than this. This is your one wild and precious life.

My husband of 30 years recently told me he's been having an affair. I am starting again. It wasn't my choice, which in some ways makes it a bit easier for me. He left me - but I didn't beg him to stay, and I'll never take him back. Fuck him. I'm better than that.

Is it hard? Yes, of course. Some bits are really hard. But some bits are much better without his miserable arse in my life. The man I thought I was married to doesn't exist anymore, and I'm moving on. I am claiming little victories at the moment - I have reclaimed my bedroom and bought a new bedspread he would have hated. I have part exchanged the car for something smaller. I am in control of my finances. I have a great relationship with my children. The road ahead is rocky, but the future is bright.

Well I'm hoping it restarts at 55 so I'm going to say yes!

I'm 6 months on from separation following his short-lived but apparently love of his life affair. There are some shite times, late teenage kids are struggling, finances have dragged on and are more draining than I expected and I'm personally struggling with him moving on to "freedom" of single life while I am stuck in the daily grind of family routine. But, there are some positives and silver linings, we moved to a new place over the New Year, and I've not compromised one bit on how we've unpacked, some people have stepped up as better and truer friends that I had appreciated before, and the kids and I have become tighter and also more open together

I can't start to tell you what is right for you. But if he's hurt you as much as it feels from your post, then it's time for the MN classic: "get your ducks in a row" and start moving forward with your eyes open, toward something that works better for you.

@Sighohbarn - oh yes the power of new bedding - seemingly such a small change but so important

Of course you can divorce and get a new life that’s much better at 58! I won’t say “start again” bc that implies trying to wind the clock back, which isn’t possible and creates a feeling of being in the wrong time and place, imo.

What you CAN do is take all your life experience and wisdom and use it to move into your next stage of life. It’s a real pity about such a long marriage, but some just don’t make it, through no fault of our own. Some of us have spouses that turned out to be a dreadful disappointment. What is the worst possible outcome, imo, is that you waste further years in this marriage and wake up at seventy, with the same old problems, wondering how much better life might be if you’d got out while still in your fifties.

Personally I think it’s better to be single forever than with someone who betrays you.

Also, there is a growing number of LATs. People who live apart together. That is, committed couples who don’t live together.

You have a ton of options for how you want your next fifty years to be (let’s be optimistic!) and you don’t have to settle for what sounds like a half-life. There are so many things to do in the world these days, so many hobbies and people to meet and places to go. If you’re lucky, maybe you could salvage a friendship out of it with your husband.

In summary, NO WAY is 58 too old to have a change of lifestyle!

Yeah, I didn’t beg my husband to stay either, when I came home from shopping and the twat had his bag packed. I said “Well, maybe you SHOULD go” and started filling the kettle to make a cup of tea. So he left. And I have lived largely free of his temper and his mood swings and his silent treatment ever since. I’m proud of the fact that I didn’t cry or get upset or beg him to stay in that moment.

Yes.

I am coming up 58, left after 34 years together, married a couple of months short of 30 years.

Its possible to be happy with life. It requires resilience to make this change but with the right support and sensible expectations, your life can be fulfilled.

It took me around 6 years to actually walk but once done, there was no return for me.

If you do plan on following through, use your time to get organised and make the start of the change slightly easier.

My post possibly makes it sound easy and without issues to do but the peace in my head was worth it.

I found being on here after I left was a good crutch.

This sums up my thoughts too.

Try and create a life that suits you.

@SoftBalletShoes

Perfect advice.

Thank you all so much for your replies. I feel I know what I should do but it's just having the courage to do it. Anytime I have tried to talk he just gets defensive and turns it all around so it's my fault. He is a very manipulative person. It seems a mountain to climb with regards to selling the house, how to split pensions etc, etc. But life goes on, onwards and upwards!!

You dont need to talk to him or get him to agree. Why bother if he is manipulative and dishonest?
Just seek legal advice, work out what your financial position is, then tell him you are divorcing him. End of relationship. No more silent treatments.
You will be much happier when you are free of him.

I divorced at 56.
Met current dh at 58. Been together 9 years.

It does feel like a mountain, I know. All that sorting out, the untangling of finances, the dismantling of a shared life. But I promise you it’s not only possible but not as difficult as you think. Don’t let the fear of splitting pensions and selling a house stop you, if divorce is what you want to do.

I divorced earlier this year, after 32 years of marriage. I really am that cliched woman whose “husband takes care of all that”. I didn’t know where the money was, didn’t know how to put air in the car tyres…. And much more. I only mention this, not to blow my own trumpet, but to illustrate that if I can manage, quite literally anyone can.

I am sitting here in my peaceful kitchen with the cat, looking out at the snowy garden and it’s heavenly.

Agree with @Strawberryvodka . It really is all doable.

I'm casually taking care of stuff I have never done before. Insurance comparisons. MOT. remembering bin night 😂. His stuff isn't as hard as you think.

And about the division of assets, pensions, house etc - you don't have to do everything at once. Just do the bit that's in front of you. Lots of little steps and you'll get there. I still haven't got to selling the house and dividing assets bit. It'll happen. It has to, because we're separated and he wants a divorce asap. I know more every day. I am more capable every day. I can do this, and so can you.