Relocating with 16yrs & 12yrs after divorce

[Bones2017]

Recently separated and divorced but I am living 100 miles away from my family and friends after we relocated here as a family 4 years ago. Ex’s family all relocated here after us so all his family is here.
I feel homesick terribly and have no support network around me. Christmas was lonely and I want to go home. My kids are 16 & 12 and have said they would want to relocate with me. I am their primary caregiver in our situation. They see Ex every other weekend and 2 mid week stay overs currently.
I know I need to speak with Ex about this before any decisions are final but he sometimes seems determined to make my life as difficult as possible in even simple situations.
I plan to offer him a reduction in child maintenance that he pays and I will do all travel to ensure his regular visitation. I will also allow him first pick on special holidays etc.
Does this seem reasonable to approach him with? Has anyone done this with success?

thanks in advance

How often do you think they’ll be seeing him? At 16/12 evenings and weekends will start becoming full of friends and plans, not schlepping 100+ miles to see their dad.

It seems weird his whole family relocated after he did, in only a 4 year period?

It’s very unlikely that your children would simply say yes we want to relocate - what and move away from everything they know, schools, friends AND their dad so they can be near your family …. Nonsense

what they need is stability and the ability to see dad very regularly without a hundred mile drive imo

if youre lonely build a life with friends and go visit your family

Do the children actually want to move? I understand they want to be with you, but it's a very hard age for them to have to move and change schools and with friends etc. Might it be easier for the children if you all stay where they are settled, and you travel back to your family to visit, rather than your children having to travel to their Dad?

Yes both girls want to go back to our home town. We’ve only been here just under 4 years so if they wanted to stay here, this wouldn’t even be an option for me to be honest

This really isn’t fair on the kids or their dad at all.

I agree with previous posters that it's likely they are saying that because they know it's what you want to hear.

If you've been there 4 years they will be settled at school, have friends, hobbies, family and lives in that area. I don't think you can just uproot them on a whim.

You're near on 50/50, with every other weekend each and him doing 2/5 week nights and you doing 3/5. How are you going to maintain that when you're 100 miles away? That's a hell of a lot of driving for you to keep doing 200 mile round trips to maintain the contact agreement. Or is this an attempt for you to forcibly remove contact time from him?

I'm pretty sure he could go to court and stop you from moving.

With your current contact schedule, you have plenty of time to visit your family 100 miles away whilst your children are with their Dad.

What’s the schooling situation for the 16 year old? Have they just started sixth form? Will they have to repeat a year?

It's a very difficult situation but I'd stay put OP. Sorry.

My friend relocated back to her hometown after a divorce, with her ex staying where he was. Her girls were the same age as yours and they maintain contact with their dad - they got the train down to him every other weekend and saw him a lot over school holidays. So it is definitely possible to move away and for your DC to still see their dad.

Won’t you need his permission to change their schools?

See I think this was pretty selfish of your friend. Her children sound like they had a great relationship with their dad similar to the OPs children before the split but by moving she put the onus on her children to maintain that relationship.

Realistically in this situation most teenagers are not going to want travel every other weekend to see their dad or spend a significant portion of their holidays going to see him. It means missing out on socialising with their friends or doing hobbies and nor is it fair to expect them to be the ones doing all the traveling when they didn't choose to move.

Four years is a large part of their short lives.

They're probably saying whatever each parent wants to hear. No kid wants to sit through hundreds of miles of travelling every couple of days.

As a PP suggested, they can stay with their father in their home and you can be the visiting parent?

I so appreciate all your opinions and perspectives so thank you.
My Ex loves my kids dearly but has an issue with alcohol. I definitely don’t want to hurt anyone by doing this though and would stay here if need be if I have to.
My 16 year old does her GCSE’s in May and June so nothing would happen until she’s finished those. I want everyone inc Ex to be comfortable with any arrangements an I honestly would stay for a while longer if this wasn’t the case.
I suppose I feel home would be more opportunistic for the kids long term too and to be honest, better healthcare etc.
But primarily it’s my loneliness and feeling isolated that I hav to admit would be driving this decision.

Agree, do you have a home, job, schools for them to go to?
can you pay for that while still paying your share of the mortgage for current home?

@Bones2017 I suppose I feel home would be more opportunistic for the kids long term too and to be honest, better healthcare etc.
do you mean ‘home’ as where the ex have lived for last 4 years or back where you
class as home 100 miles away?

So since the divorce, I’ve bought my own home here so no current shared mortgage or expenses with Ex.
Back at my home town it’s a bigger city environment and I just feel we would be happier and more productive there

It is, of course, possible to ask. However, be prepared that he may say no, as is his right.

On another note - 100mi is not a continent away. It is entirely possible to drive and visit - especially during extended holiday period. Why sit around and feel lonely?