Was this our last Christmas?

[PelucheCat]

I'd really appreciate some advice. I'm in a pretty shit situation, in France with no family and few friends.
I met my DH when I was 20, and he was 27. We've been together 33 years
From the beginning, he had a problem with alcohol. I ignored every red flag, probably because my own father was pretty abusive. I think, as damaged children of narcissist parents, we got each other.

I once returned from a trip and discovered he'd run up a huge bill calling porn numbers. I was devasted, and it took many years to forgive him for it and try to rebuild trust. He said he'd been too drunk to know what he was doing. Years later, he said he'd actually been using some kind of hiding software.

He started to do well in his career - he is a hard worker, but he started to spend. He got credit card debt, loans, everything. When the DDs were young he had a massive salary but we could hardly manage because of the size of the monthly debt. Finally we sold the house and rented to avoid repossession.

He got a small sum of money from his mother and we were able to buy a wreck in France. I moved over with two DC while he stayed in the UK to work and let the eldest finish A levels. After a couple of years, he got another credit card without any agreement from me. The DC are now bilingual, and eldest two are well functioning adults.

DH no longer drinks at all and now only comes over every two weeks. This summer he met up with a very pretty old friend who I was always a bit threatened by, and I made it very clear I wasn't thrilled.
On New Year's Day I discovered that just before Christmas, he arranged to meet her in a cafe in the UK, and concealed this from me. He said it's because I always over react. I feel shocked, after having said so many times that I need him to be honest. I don't think he actually wants to have an affair, it's an ego thing.
Is it worth destabilising the family for divorce? I don't know if I'm strong enough to withstand the grief. But I feel like I just can't do this anymore. He pulls the rug out from under me every few years. I feel done with all the drama.
Just after Christmas, he caused a car incident that left the kids shocked. I noticed that he didn't apologise, and didn't get out of the car to see if the kids were OK.

I also have my flaws. I'm over emotional, am always moving jobs or barely working (early menopause and thyroid problems} and my mental health sucks. On the other hand, I'm already taking care of everything except his actual job.

33 years is such a long marriage, no wonder you're overwhelmed. But there doesn't seem like much to stay for? What would you want to do if you had free choice over the life you wanted?

I went through similar to some of what you're going through @PelucheCat , you have my sympathies

I would suggest, if you can, stop letting him make the decisions, or guiding you in the direction of making decisions that benefit him. Start thinking of yourself, putting yourself first, stop trusting and believing this man, he is only thinking of himself so why shouldn't you do the same.

I would also suggest that you be careful what you share with him, with regards to your thoughts and feelings. Take time to think about what you want for the rest of your life and start working towards that.

If you do end the marriage it will be hard. I hated my husband by the time we eventually separated (his behaviour towards me had seen to that) but I still cried like a baby. I couldn't understand it but I think it's something we just have to go through. If you know it's probably going to happen it will be less difficult to deal with - go with the flow, go easy on yourself, it will pass.

You may well find, if you go down that route, that your mental health improves greatly.

Take any support that's offered to see you through the hard times, no matter what you decide, there's always someone here

Your kind responses nearly brought me to tears, thank you. Just to be asked "what do you want... etc". I have long wanted to teach for a bit in China, but funnily enough I can never see him being with me. Or maybe live by the sea 🙂
I am so grateful for your advice NebulousSadTimes. I hadn't realised, I need to be careful what I say at this point, but you're right because, bizarrely, I feel like even after 33 years, I'm not sure who I'm really dealing with.

I didn't say, our DS is only 15, and prone to anxiety, so it's the effect on him that I worry about. However, they've already taken several holidays just the two of them, and he now only sees him once a fortnight, so, perhaps I'm kidding myself, but in some ways maybe it won't be a huge adjustment for him.

After 3 days of on/off tears and tension, I noticed that after my DH left for the UK yesterday, me and DS were laughing together about stupid things. And I've increasingly noticed I enjoy days out with just my children more than as a family. Very, very sad, but god, on some level, what a bloody relief.

Thanks so much. 😘