ExH introduced new gf quickly

[PinkGorilla]

My ExH left me in January and divorce was finalised in October. A few days later he announced to my eldest (his stepdaughter) that he had a gf. He then introduced her to our younger children (7&9). Apparently from the day they met her, she slept over. The kids regularly tell me how he's always cuddling and kissing her in front of them. I've no issue with him meeting someone new, but I have an issue for how he introduced her so suddenly. My daughter had a meltdown and refused to go to school from his house that first week, saying she was poorly and needed to stay home with daddy. Now the kids are coming home telling me they have asked for 1:1 time with their dad and he has said, 'Why? Don't you like....?'
Is this a normal way of introducing kids to a new partner? The kids met my boyfriend after a few months, but he's just been introduced as Mummy's friend. We've never been affectionate in front of them and certainly not had sleepovers. I feel they've had so much change to adjust to over the past 11 months, that it needs to be dealt with carefully. There's nothing I can do obviously, just wondered others experiences are?

I’d be fairly sure that your children know exactly what ‘Mummy’s friend’ means…

They probably do. Even so, it doesn't need shoving down their throat. I think it should be dealt with sensitively.

I don’t think you want advice on whether your opinion is correct or not. The issue is whether your ex would welcome your feedback and be influenced by it. You know him and the state of your current relationship, do you think he would appreciate an intervention from you?

I think you should also be mindful that not liking things or a situation isn’t an absolute reason for those things to stop or change. It may be a reason but children also need to become aware that the world won’t and maybe shouldn’t adapt to their preferences.

Neither of you has hung around meeting people or introducing them to your children. The huge amount of change they’ve experienced is down to both of you. I wouldn’t do it as he has but it’s done now.

You’ve both moved on quickly and introduced people unnecessarily quickly. He is also being unnecessarily pda with her and is doing sleepovers. I don’t think you really get to draw the line there though. Is he likely to listen to you anyway? I’d assume no so you’ll just be creating conflict for no reason if you bring it up. All you can do is support your children the best you can

I specifically said I know there is nothing I can do about it, so I don't plan on saying anything to him. I said I was asking for other people's experiences.

That's not the case at all. I wouldn't dream of giving him my feedback. I was simply asking what other people's experiences have been.

People do what they do. Dh didn’t introduce me to his kids until we’d been dating a year, and then it was only days out, lunch etc.

his ex on the other hand moved her OM in the day she told dh she wasn’t happy and he should stay with his parents a few days to give her space.

You met your boyfriend in September. September to December is 12 weeks. And you have introduced him as your friend. Neither of you are covering yourselves in glory really in terms of being careful with new partners.

Again. I didn't ask for people opinions. I asked for their experiences. I'm realising this forum is full of judgemental trolls. They have met him twice at public places (a play area and a santa visit). As far as they've said they don't suspect anything and I have always had male friends who I still hang out with on occasion. It's a bit different to having a stranger kissing your dad and sleeping in his bed 4hrs after meeting them don't you think?

OP I get you are looking for experiences. My own is that you can only support your children with coming to terms with these changes and the differences in the new households they live in. And it is really important not to do this in a way that undermines the other parent. That can come back to bite you.

As you can see from this thread people can have different opinions on this subject. Yours is as valid as anyone’s and I don’t think you should be judged or criticised for it.

I think you and your ex are entitled to decide on whether and how you have relationships. I agree with you that it is better to consider the children’s ability to adjust to this. However in your situation I would just explain that people are different and some people like showing affection and some don’t.

As young adults, our kids still ask questions about why people split up. They are still learning about compatibility and why some relationships last and other don’t. I am saying that because co parenting is a long haul and you need to not just pick battles but avoid them.

He won’t like be questioned and judged any more than you do. Anything you say to the children can and probably will get reported back to him. That’s how children are.

You started this thread - with its title - to pile on your ex. But you’re doing the same as him with maybe a few months difference.

You don’t want judgement (unless it’s against him). You want peoples experience - my parents divorced when I was 10. I never met any of their new partners for two years. Does my experience help you? Thank god they put me and my sister first.

We met and fell in love quite quickly. I met SD after 6 weeks at a family/friends Christmas party. We got engaged in February, moved in together later that month and SD started having overnights which she hadn't had previously due to DH living in a shared house. It took a bit of adjustment but we've been together 10 years and we're all quite settled.

BM had an affair and moved the affair partner in 2 weeks after DH moved out and they are also still together and SD gets on reasonably well with him.

DH had one other girlfriend in the two years between splitting with BM and meeting me and they met a few times, including going on holiday. SD doesn't remember her at all.

My ex did all the things they say not to. All I could do was be there for my child. The only time I got involved was after Another meltdown because it was so obvious that daddy was putting the new woman before them. So I politely suggested maybe he could spend some 1 on 1 time with our child. He said he couldn't because he had to work (?!) And I never tried to reason with him again. Their relationship has suffered because of it, but of course he takes no accountability whatsoever. Just make sure You do the right thing by them. You cannot control other people's actions

I’ve always said 6mths is a good rule of thumb to meet kids. In a park or soft okay etc - so say hello and they can go off and do their one thing

after 6mths you wouid like to think /know if it’s going anywhere

you have both let the kids meet new partners far too early

I think children typically need a much longer timeline to adjust to new partners than adults do.

My ex introduced a new girlfriend after we had been separated for two years. She was sleeping over within the month. I personally think he went too hard and fast with the introduction because he felt he had waited long enough and he had wanted to move her in on a fairly short time frame.

This has backfired substantially as my daughter, while polite, simply has no interest in having the girlfriend around or building a relationship with her. The girlfriend hasn’t moved in yet but I suspect will do so next year. At that point I imagine my daughter will ask to live with me full time.

I have seen several cases where the introduction timeframe may have seemed fair to the adults (within the first year to three years of separation) but it has gone very poorly with the kids.