Living in this life of limbo

[FunAquaUser]

hi all

long term relationship for 20 years 2 children aged 3 and 6 but I’m so unhappy. The relationship has run its course, I’m only 38, been together since I was 17 but we have nothing in common anymore other than the children and we really don’t get along anymore. I feel as I’ve grown we’ve grown apart and we are just very different people now I also hold a lot of resentment for how much I do for the children and how everything falls on me. We never have date nights and to be honest I don’t even feel like I want to spend 1 on 1 time together anymore.
ive confided in a few friends who have told me life’s too short and I deserve to be happy etc and I don’t want to Wait until the children are older and the inevitable happens where I finally have the courage to split up and then I’ve wasted many years of feeling unhappy but the actual reality of splitting up and the affect it will have on the kids and also our finances is what stops me having the honest conversation and saying I don’t want to go on like this any longer.
he knows I’m unhappy and I’ve mentioned a few times I think we should split and he always manages to pull me back in through guilt and saying things will change but they never do and it’s the start of a new year and I just don’t know how much longer I can go on for. He’s also unhappy but wants to carry on for sake of the kids and the house we live as we would need to sell.
just after some advice from others who have been through it and come out the other side really. It’s horrible living in this limbo of feeling unhappy but not wanting to put yourself before your childrens needs.

It doesn’t get any better! I wrote a post on here the other year and saw it again in October- it finally gave me the push. He is the root of all my unhappiness, all my stress and my anger and resentment. He has changed me into a grumpy angry person, Im not who I want to be around my kids and my son asked me why am I always moody? He is 5.
I’ve taken the plunge and started divorce proceedings, I know he still thinks I’ll get over this and isn’t doing anything to get out of the house. He’s still depending on me for everything, Im still doing everything for the kids alone- but soon, I know he will be gone and thats keeping me going. If your own child was stuck in your relationship, what would you advise them to do? Leave! You don’t have another option, it’s just scary but so is waking up in 1,5,10 years and realising you’re still in the same position and nothings changed! Do it!

Honestly you are going to split anyway. Dragging out a meh marriage turns it into a bad marriage as resentment grows and eventually one of you may look for companionship elsewhere. Then you have a whole toxic shitshow. Then it just becomes worse for your kids who will be far more cognisant of what is going on.

Doing it sooner with younger children means they can adjust to a new life. Crucially so can both of you. You are young enough to take on borrowing and to shift your earnings up a gear or two. There are less options and frankly motivations to do that in your 50’s.

Just to say, your kids don’t need the house. They need functional family life and if that is in two smaller properties they will be fine. You both want to put your children first so you can work out a solution that enables you both to have homes and time with your children.

@Becausemymumtoldmeso your reply really hit
home, i know this situation is making me
moody and miserable and not the best mum
I want to be but I’m also so
scared of the future if i do have the balls to go ahead and say I want to split for definite, I really wish he was on the same page given he says he’s unhappy and how I’ve made his life miserable for years because of my lack of affection (but yet he doesn’t want to split up) men don’t realise women want to
be treated well and appreciated in order to show affection etc.
im glad you was able to do something about your situation, i hope i am able to too one day I constantly look on here looking for posts of others in similar situations to try and make me
feel
better that it’s not just me.
hoW old were your kids when you split? I’m really worried about how my 6 year old would
cope with us not living together, altho I’m pretty much like a
single mum in every other respect as i do
absolutely everything and most days out on my own but the living arrangements would really upset her as she gets upset if he works late and she doesn’t see him
before bed. I know my 3 year old would adapt easily.

@LemonTT thanks for your replies. I know deep
down we wiLl split eventually (that’s so bad to say) we’ve been engaged for about 4 years and I just don’t want to get married so I think that says a lot. It shoud
have been the next natural step for us.
it’s just when to do it and how it will affect the kids. Plus I feel bad on him as he’s unhappy but wants to
keep carrying on so he isn’t living apart from the kids.
I just wish he could see it would be better for us both to
split uP
up and try and find happiness again.

Sounds like he doesn't want to split up until the kids are older because you carry the load
Separating would make his life harder and yours easier
Is it worth staying to facilitate his life?

@MostlyHappyMummy he says he loves me, I love him but more that I care for him I don’t feel like I’m in love with him.
yes things would definitely be harder for him, it would be harder for me financially but could make it work but wouldn’t be harder for me with the children. Id actually have more time to myself but obviously it makes me sad thinking of time I would lose with my children and how we’d handle
all special occasions in their lives. I’d hope we could be amicable I certainty would be but he isn’t the best at that.

Exactly how I was (and still am lol forever searching for posts for people in my situation-I feel like I want someone to just tell me what to do)
my eldest is also 6 and youngest is 1, both of them adore their daddy too, but I keep reminding myself things will get better not worse, they will still get to see and be with daddy hopefully, and the only thing changing is that he won’t be living here. I will be happier, I feel like we will be able to communicate and coparent better as the resentment will eventually go. He has constantly said he feels
miserable, living with me is awful- blames me for everything and reflects back all the issues I have with him onto me. If I’m that awful why not leave?! He has financially used me too though so him leaving means he would actually have to get a job and pay a bill- something he hasn’t done in all his 40 years of living- his family enabled him before me!

Hi there, I have been in your situation and came out on the other side. Now the children are in late teens and my husband and I are planning the future together without them.

What worked?

For me, it was mostly the thought of the first Christmas as a divorced woman. I just could not entertain the thought of being a part-time mum (I knew my husband would insist in equal share of custody).

So I had to improvise.

I read books on relationship and marriage (there are many podcasts too).

I had to accept I am not a perfect human being and I can be moody and snappy too.

I looked around and saw lots of single divorced attractive mums struggling to find a decent man.

I had a choice to make. Compromise and learn to rub along together or else.

I bit my tongue, I grinded my teeth, I faked smiles. It worked. Fake till you make it, as the saying goes. Thankfully for me, my husband was prepared to compromise too. We have come out on the other side.

I hightly recommend Loving Against the Odds book by Rob Parson. If you are really not into reading, then 60-minutes Marriage by the same author (it's a very short book, meant to be read in 1 hour).

I hope it helps

I stayed with my ex husband for a long time for the sake of the children, thinking it was better for them if we stayed together. I had been with him for roughly 20 years, we met when I was 17 and I had never had a relationship before so did not see a lot of red flags early on in our relationship.

We were all desperately unhappy by the end, the atmosphere at home was toxic, the kids and I were walking on eggshells around him, never knowing what version of him would walk through the door. He was emotionally & financially abusive. Blaming me for everything and never wanting to spend time with any of us. His relationship with kids by that point was pretty awful too (they were then 10, 7 and 3). Lock down amplified our problems and I realised I had to leave him. It was incredibly hard to tell him it was over as I dreaded his reaction, and as a stay at home mum I had no idea how I would manage financially.

Life has been a lot easier since in some respects and terribly hard in others. I got a job, claimed universal credit and filed for divorce. He was angry and bitter for a long time, saying awful things about me to the kids but gradually he has accepted what has happened and I think he sometimes realises now what he has lost. The family home was sold and I'm in the process of buying a home for me and the children. It will be smaller and different to our ladt but it will be a happy place and a safe space for them.

I dreaded the days they would be away from me and worried he would want 50/50 shared care. But it was all talk from him, loving to tell everyone I had taken his kids from him, but in reality he only ever asked for 24 hours every other weekend.

The kids adjusted very well initially, almost not noticing that he was gone (I had always done everything at home and for the kids) but as time went on they forgot what the atmosphere had been like at home with their Dad there and they started to find it quite hard without him.

I think the younger the children are when the relationship splits, the easier it is for them to adjust.

@FunAquaUser you will find the strength whatever you decide to do. Your children will adapt if you seperate and you can both provide happy homes for them. There will be difficult times whichever way you choose to go but you can and deserve to find happiness.

@Becausemymumtoldmeso wow that’s exactly the same as me; I get the blame for everything i am blamed for how shit his life is and how unhappy i make him yet he’s more upset when I say we shojld
split up. I get told I do nothing for him even though I do absolutely everything to do with the household and the kids: he works hard so I understand that but I get no appreciation for everything I do on top of working too!
I have everything planned out in my head of what I want to do and when I see the posts of people giving advice on trying to make it work I feel like I can’t anymore it’s past that point but I can’t actually bring myself to tell him it’s over and I’m not changing my mind :(

Women being blamed for everything is par for the course. It's just one symptom of your pointless loveless marriage. You already know this. And I'm guessing you already know that you're on a hiding to nothing.

Sadly, ending a marriage with children involved is always a horrible business. It's natural for you to want to shield them from hurt, but this is the reality of life. The longer you leave it, the longer you are putting off the inevitable and the worse it will be.

I stayed in my awful marriage for too long because I was torn about how it would affect my children.

Then I ripped the plaster off and did what I had to do.

I felt terrible about it vis-a-vis the kids, feeling that I'd totally let them down by pulling their family unit apart.

The result? We became a really happy little unit of our own and I never looked back. Divorce was the best decision I ever made. Kids are now grown-ups and that awful marriage is now in the dark and distant past.

My advice to you is this:

Be gentle with yourself. This is a big decision. You have already made it. Take your time. Find your courage. Centre yourself.

Know that your children will adapt. They always do.

Brace yourself for the inevitable shit-storm that happens as you go through the divorce process. It doesn't last forever, and you will come out the other side.

Keep your eyes on the prize - a better, brighter future for you and your children.

And remember that you are not alone. Many of us have been where you are.

Sending strength and solidarity.

Apologies - I just remembered you're not married. This actually make things a lot easier.

@FunAquaUser I too knew my marriage was over a long before I told him. It took me a long time to pick up the courage to say it, once I did I felt quite a mixture of relief and fear. I felt like I was stuck in limbo for a long time but have come through the other side now and am so much happier

@Sicario thanks for your reply! Yes we aren’t married which im glad about but still a lot of complicated things to deal with when it comes to finances and living arrangements.
thanks for your advice xxx

My advice - start the financial planning, find out the law etc.

Your heart has made the decision. You think that you can endure, but you can’t endure forever. Instead, one day it will all come out - perhaps with all the anger and resentment you have been holding back. That won’t help - but it may be the only way to get there.

But it will happen one day. So start the planning now.

@NeedSleepNow yes I feel the same too I’ve felt like this for a while and have actually said to him we need to split up then he always reels me back in. I then end up feeling sad that I didn’t have the bottle to go through with what I actually wanted to do.
i put off the dreaded conversation because he’s either angry (not physically but emotionally abusive) then turns to sadness which makes me feel guilty
For feeling the way I feel I think we both deserve to
be happy and right now we aren’t and i don’t think we ever will be if we stay together.
I feel like my 6 year old is starting to pick up on things now as well. We rarely argue in front of the kids as this is something I don’t want to do but sometimes we find ourselves in this
situation and I don’t want them picking up on this. She often comes over and says love you mum and gives me a hug after we’ve had some cross words as i feel like she senses something isn’t right and she needs to give me a hug and this makes me sad.
i don’t want her exposed to this environment but this isn’t often.

I am your cautionary tale! I stayed in my awful relationship for over 20 years for the kids as I couldn't bear to hurt them. Waited until the youngest was off to uni before asking for divorce. I have put up with years of an unhappy and loveless marriage thinking i was doing the right thing by them.

And guess what? Both my kids reaction was "I wish you had left him sooner". Kids are not fools and I deeply regret not ripping off the plaster sooner. I would never advise anyone to stay in an unhappy relationship for the kids.

@lostntranslation thanks so much for your honest reply. This is what I worry about the most living a life I’m unhappy with for the next 10/15
years only to
hurt the kids when they are older anyway. I really wish things could be different I would want nothing more than the kids to grow up with 2
parents together in a happy relationship but it’s not going to happen.
I also grew up with parents not in a happy relationship they are still together but bicker and annoy the hell out of each other and I grew up thinking this was normal and how all marriages were until I started working and realised some people are actually happily married and
love and enjoy spending time with each other.
its such a horrible situation to be in when nothing
drastic has happened but you just don’t love them anymore as you feel so guilty to make those decision that will impact on your kids lives but then I don’t want to end up with regret all those years later

It's really tough and only you can make the decision that is right for you. I think I was guilty of holding on, hoping things would improve when.. moved to a new area, bought dream house etc. So I was really naive holding out hope of things changing as i was desperate to keep the family unit together for the kids.

I was so worried I would damage them by leaving but I see now it was more damaging to them that I stayed. One of my kids has such an awful relationship with their father now that I think it would have been better if they hadn't had to live with him growing up.

I would say just put yourself first because kids are happy when their mum is happy. Good luck it's such a difficult position to be in.

@lostntranslation thank you, it is such a horrible position to be in :(

I think there is a quote that is being married is hard and being divorced is hard - choose your hard. Obviously you’re not married but you get the idea.

i separated from my husband in the summer and he moved out just before Christmas. I bought him out of the house. It has been so hard. For me, it has been harder than staying in the marriage. I regret making the decision to leave but I’m stuck with it now. The reason I regret it is purely the kids. I do not love my husband anymore. He always said he would push for 50/50 which he did and the kids hate it because he never spent much time with them before and now they have to go to his house for half of the week. They cry when it is time to go despite me being positive about their visits to their dads. It’s heartbreaking. You may not want to hear it but you need to prepare yourself for it.

When the kids have to move between homes it is them doing all the upheaval of constantly swapping between houses. Us - the parents - we stay in our own homes so actually the impact is all on the kids. Lots of people saying oh kids adjust and they do - because they have to! They are children they don’t have a choice. Doesn’t mean it’s an easy journey for them.

thats not to say it is all doom and gloom I really enjoy living without him and having the house and the en suite to myself and not having to run every decision past a very bad tempered person!

if I were you I would make an honest list of pros and cons and make sure you really accept the cons.

I’d been unhappy in my marriage for about 8 years before I called it a day. We’re mid-divorce, still living together now.
7 years ago was the first time I said I wanted to separate, he wanted counselling which never happened. I’d asked a few times after that too and he said he’d make it difficult. This time he agreed.
There are pros and cons to waiting. I couldn’t imagine being apart from my kids when they were younger, they’re teen/tween now, I’m happy I’ll be able to speak to them and text when we’re not together. BUT I am also painfully aware that the only example they currently have of a marriage is ours, where we barely spoke, didn’t emotionally support each other and didn’t care for each other. I hope they realise that is not something to accept or aspire to have.
the last few years have been hard as I’d given up and been exhausted. House jobs ignored, I got fed up of days out so we did nothing. I am the driving force behind absolutely everything that happened in our lives, husband is extremely passive and it sucked the life out of me. I’ve lost years of my children’s lives because I stopped wanting to organise him, stopped wanting time with him.
Even though it is extremely stressful now for me, I am happier than I’ve been in years and know with absolute certainty it’s the right decision for me and the kids. They will benefit more from having me at my best not the recluse I had become.

@CleverOpalBalonz that sounds exactly like my situation and I feel like it’s wearing me
down to the point I will end up depressed as the situation is making me so stressed and unhappy. We barely speak to each other and I just think what example is this setting to my children, it’s not normal but then I think it will
be worse for them if we split up and they have to split their time between us and 2 homes.
im glad your feeling much happier now and have been able to finally get what you wanted all those years ago.