Am I not giving him enough chance, or is it time to walk away?!

[TheEventMum]

I’m really struggling with what the right next step is and would appreciate some outside perspective.

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years and we have two very young children (1.5 and 3). We were due to get married in 6months but over the years my basic needs for affection, emotional connection and feeling listened to haven’t been met, despite me raising it many times and us trying couples therapy. I’ve reached a point where I don’t feel able to legally commit while feeling this unsure.

( I Also want to point out that my partner has ADHD and on the spectrum)

I’ve recently said I want to cancel/postpone the wedding, which has understandably caused a lot of upset. Since then, my partner has been very emotional, saying he’s trying, that I’m making a huge mistake, and that the only options he can see are either we get married and move forward or we cancel and separate — he can’t understand postponing things to work on the relationship first.

This has left me feeling very confused. I do love him, but I also feel exhausted from years of asking for the same things and not seeing lasting change. Part of me worries I’m being unfair or not giving him enough chance, especially now he’s clearly distressed and saying he wants this to work. Another part of me feels that if it’s taken getting to this point for things to change, that might say something in itself.

Has anyone been in a similar position?

Did you stay and try again, or leave?
How did you know when you’d truly reached the end?
Is it reasonable to need time and space before committing to marriage, or am I just delaying the inevitable?

I’m not looking for judgement — just honest experiences from people who’ve been there, especially with young children involved.

Thank you.

My DP has ASD, and somethings are are real struggle for him to deal with or he just doesn't see them. I do 90% of the families mental load. Does your DP have medication for ADHD?

You have already committed to this man by having 2 children with him. On the whole the mum is better protected in a break up by being married.

I don't know, you P has a diagnosis. He does "sound" like he's trying but there's a difference between actively doing things differently and engaging with therapy and just going through the motions to pacify someone. Is he actively engaging? Ultimately,

Promises of change without actual change is just manipulation. I don't like the marriage or break up ultimatum either that feels manipulative in itself. You've been together 5 years. How many years of your life does he need to demonstrate that he can meet your needs?

I've been with H 16 years. We are married and have 2 kids 5 and 7. We've had a really tough time in the last few years. I've complained about emotional and physical neglect. Basically,, I do everything and if anything is difficult, he withdraws. He's really made an effort to make changes. Although. I resent all the times that he's left me struggling both emotionally and physically. When his life's/ lifestyle is on the line, he was able to do it. The thing is, he reverts often, and I have to remind him. It's exhausting. Honestly, I should have left when the kids were little. I didn't, and now it's harder because he's trying, and the kids love him. I love him as well but is that enough?

I don’t know you and I don’t know him. People can change and evolve with the right support and in the right relationship.

I think you know he isn’t the right person for you and that his ability to change is compromised. From what you have written he doesn’t like or want change anyway. Which is what he has told you in no uncertain terms. He wants things as they are with no change or to split up. He doesn’t want to do the work. He may well be incapable of the work or becoming the person you want. I mean maybe the problems would be solved if you changed? Is that something you want to do?

He isn’t what you want. And maybe you aren’t the person he wants or needs either. He is right to say that what you are now is what you are as a couple. If it isn’t enough for marriage and life together then split up.

And for the love of god don’t get married for “protection”. Getting unmarried is a messy business and an expensive business. It won’t make a bad or unhappy relationship any better and will probably lead to lots of acrimony and toxicity. Plus, all the people who you invite to this sham ceremony will be incredibly put out to learn you didn’t mean it. And he will absolutely make sure everyone knows what you did.

Do not get married!! If he doesn't love you enough to work on the relationship without a wedding then he simply doesn't love you enough. Marriage complicates things SO much more. Don't do it. Successful relationships don't need a wedding anyhow, in my opinion. I am married, so I don't say this lightly.

It always confuses me when people say - I am not ready to commit to marriage - while being ready to have several children with another person. To me, having kids is a far larger commitment - as you can't take it back, can't undo it, etc - it's a far more permanent commitment than a marriage.

On the other hand - marriage is a financial arrangement, and if you have larger assets, then on that basis, I can understand not wanting to co-mingle assets as it is not beneficial to you. If all you wanted from this relationship is to have a few kids - than, you are doing what you need.

Generally - your are in a short relationship. You were together for a year and then started to have kids. So - you really barely knew each other. And you now have two small children - so by all means it is the time when many relationships struggle. So - not surprising that with toddlers, and ND/NT relationship it is additionally hard. However - you say you love him, and he seems to want to try to change - it does seem that your desire to separate now is rushed.

Do you really want to break-up your little kids home because your "emotional needs are not met"? Is it really all about you? What about two little kids' emotional needs? You decided to bring them to this world - knowing what sort of partnership you have - don't you owe it to them to try harder?

Just my 2p, and I am divorced. So - I won't say - try harder - easily. But you do seem to want to give up and prioritise yourself too easily, IMHO.

Would you be happy to walk down the aisle with him? It doesn't sound li it from what you have written. You can't possibly turn up on the day thinking 'i'll give him one more chance or i'm off', from a practical / emotional perspective that sounds untenable to me. In your situation I couldn't get married but that is not to say I wouldn't be keen to try and work it out - when did you tell him you want to postpone? Is he likely to come round to your way of thinking?

This would be part of my thought process too - what will benefit your children more in the longer term?

Depending on finances, marraige might be better for you anyway as you already having kids.

however, what's not clear from your post are what your expectations are, and where he is failing to meet them. Because that's the key bit - what are the real problems, and CAN they be worked on? In my experience, in most cases, the things that upset women about their partner are often NOT addressed and too often men use the "but I'm trying" as an excuse. (I'd love to see a man use that on his boss when he has, yet again, missed a deadline "No Boss, you can't fire me, I'm trying".).

The reality is that if things aren't improving, I don't think delaying the marriage is the answer. I think that rather, you shoud call it. So I guess I agree with him - either commit to marriage or end it, but an in between is a bit pointess.

I am very much in a similar position. I have to admit though that after 14 years of trying a traumatic year and a cancer diagnosis led me to meet my emotional needs elsewhere. I am not proud of that but since my partner found out he is trying. Yet I know he actually cannot sustain that level of emotional interaction because of his own needs. Therefore I keep leaning towards the best option being to separate as our need for emotional intimacy will never align.

I guess I knew this years ago and carried on because I loved him. I find I am constantly trying to get more from him though and it drains me.

We have two DC age 3 and 4. Since then his capacity to communicate has declined. I understand this is a difficult stage for any couple but these are not new issues. I will follow your thread with interest and am happy to talk more if you wish.

@ChasingRainbows8

I read your other thread and, to me, it sounds like all about you only.
I am not one to defend men, generally have quite a low opinion of them as species - but in this case, I feel for your H.
He has a W with cancer, and two small kids he needs to think about potentially raising on his own. And he is went part-time to take care of home/kids. His W - after a relationship of 14 years now wants him to have a personality transplant. Or - she’ll continue her affair.

Conveniently - W found a single guy - unencumbered by pressures of raising small kids with a sick W. Man who also had health issues. This man apparently provides W with emotional support her H can’t … I guess H’s priorities of taking care of home, kids and working mean not much. How he manages the stresses of life and the difficult situation the family faces - no one cares, certainly not the W. Such an old story.

I am only hoping that your extreme self-absorption here is because you are unwell.
And I hope your radiation goes well.
But - for your kids sake - stop being so selfish. Your H has his own needs, and so do your tiny kids. in your me-me-me state - have you ever wondered how well YOU are meeting his needs? Or is it only about you?

Focus on your recovery/remission. If things don’t go well - you need to gp through it as a family - not add the stress of divorce/separation to it all.
Stop expecting your H to be all - he already is dealing with a lot - he cant be the keeper of your MH as well. It’s inhumane to expect him to do it the same way as the single man with no other responsibilities does. He is a lonely guy with tine on his hands. It feels good and less lonely for him to be needed by you. it’s
simple, and a cliche. It is not some romance story you made up in your head.

Same here. almost 100% of the mental load. Its depressing.

why are you looking to change him not yourself ?

Change how you understand love and affection and connection ?

why would you expect him to be able to change ?

if you can’t or won’t change yourself you don’t belong together