People don’t understand why I’m ’still upset’ but I’m grieving

[tellmesomethingtrue]

Marriage over. In new home. 50:50 children which I don’t want. I miss my children, our old lives and the home we had. I’m very much still grieving. Been separated almost 2 years but only moved and divorced 6 weeks ago. I’m so sad. My friends/family/colleagues can’t seem to understand that I’m still absolutely broken and put a brave face on it. I cry most nights when I don’t have my kids. It hurts so much. Tonight what got me upset was thinking about some of the toys I’ll never see the kids play with again because they are kept at their dads. I miss the things we did in our our old home. The games and silliness. I wish my ex hadn’t been abusive. I regret so much.

Hi @tellmesomethingtrue. Well done for getting this far! That sounds really tough. Of course it’s still raw. I’ve not been in your position but know many who have. I imagine that the last couple of years have been full of actions, negotiations, worries about DC and ‘next
steps’ to get the divorce through. You are now done with all of that so, on the bright side, much of the nitty gritty is done. On the down side, you now have to process all you’ve been through over the last couple of years, and adjust to the fact that you’re not where you expected to be at this point.
I think that friends who haven’t been through major life events can easily think ‘it’s all over now, let her get on with it’. I’m sorry you don’t have anyone sensitive enough to realise that this is one of the hardest parts and it’s a good time to step in.
Would you consider getting some professional support, like counselling, t help you process it all and maybe express to your support network how they can help?

It’s all still raw OP. It will take time to settle. I remember breaking up with my ex and losing my home, I would think back and have this terrible feeling of wanting to “go home”. I
now, years later , realise that in my sacrifice I gave my dd the better life and showed her not to tolerate abuse, which honestly is a life skill when you think about it.
toys and games will come and go, but your show of courage and strength will be the eternal gift you have given your kids.

I understand. This was my 3rd Christmas since my ex left me for OW. Our 6 year old is 50/50. She is still with OW (living together) and I’m alone. DD goes there and it’s all happy family gatherings with all my in laws and OW’s children and family. At my house it’s just me and her most of the time.

I’ve “got over” the divorce I didn’t want but I still feel sad sometimes that this is my life, and DD has to live like this (though she seems ok with it mostly as we co-parent well).

Hi OP, my STBX and I have had a years-long separation due to various factors, and I am still grieving, even though I don't have kids. The end of your marriage is a very bitter pill to swallow. The death of all your dreams, the readjustment of how you thought the rest of your life would be, the pain of the one person who was supposed to love you letting you down like this, and the sheer sadness of it all. Mine was abusive too, and I'm better off and much more peaceful without him, but I still get so sad about what could have been, if he hadn't been such a git. If the "good him" could have been the real him, we'd have had it made.

I would never have believed how awful separation and impending divorce could be if I hadn't experienced it. I think you need to stick to talking about it with those who know.

I think it's totally normal to grieve your marriage for a long time to some extent. I have found it a hugely difficult adjustment to come to terms with.

Hugs xxx

Could you buy a duplicate or two of the toys you mention?

I read somewhere once that if your marriage was a safe and happy place, you wouldn't have got divorced.

I need to remember that, too.

Mine walked out on me, and as sad as I am, I wouldn't want him back. Because I realised that what scared me more than divorce would be waking up on my 60th birthday still enduring the same old abuse. As heart-rending as divorce is, staying with the wrong person is much, much worse.

I want something I can't have because it never existed: My ex to be a decent person and good husband.

Not possible.

So freedom is best, although the process is like a painful birth that lasts years instead of days/hours.

It's still worth it, though. I think of those I know who are still trapped in bad marriages, and I feel sorry for them that they are wasting their lives.

It really does take time as with grief and loss of anyone close to you. For me it's over ten years since my divorce and my children are now young adults but I'm still so sad that he changed all of our lives and their childhood because of another woman. They say there are seven stages of grief and I feel it is the same with the type of grief you are going through.

I so agree with the pp who said that she sees people who have wasted their lives in a toxic marriage and are in their 60s. This is me. My ex husband presented me with the final decree on my 65th birthday. I also suffer from 'what if he had stopped drinking' 'what if he had been willing to change' etc etc. It's a fool's game and sends me spiralling. Counselling can only help a bit and is prohibitively expensive.
I tried a couple of dating sites and actually met someone I liked. He appeared to like me but then disappeared in a puff of smoke.

I try to keep busy but this time of year is very emotive.

We only split in summer so still very raw, but my ex had kids at weekend for the longest they have been away from me and I felt absolutely awful. I also feel really angry they are being forced to have parents that are separated and often wonder why could he not have just been the good guy he appeared to be? But I also think this is the path my life is taking so might as well make the most of it because I can't change it. This only works sometimes, and other times I just feel utterly sad. I think this time of year seems to highlight everything so much more.

Its tough x

you were separated in name only by the sound of it, due to circumstances, so other people may think you should be at the two year point. But the reality is the process is still quite early. So give yourself some
grace. After being brave for so long a crash when its finally over is quite normal. the odd short wave is still normal many years down the line-none of us would
choose it.

over time i found that i was able to use it the downtime to be a better more present parent. I did all of my chores and shopping when i was alone; reconnected with hobbies and friends, worked more hours those days and secured back to back promotions. And i ended up a more fulfilled less frazzled mother then i had been dragging a reluctant lazy husband through life at the expense of my own well being. But it takes time. The worst year is behind you and the next one will be better.

I’m in the same boat and I ache for the family home, it really does feel like a horrible grief, I wish more than anything that right now we were all together watching films and eating snacks in our house. Nothing prepared me for how horrific the last 6 months have been and how much I would miss the family home. To make matters worse is my oldest is now alienated from me and I hardly see him so our family has split right down the middle, me and youngest and Ex and oldest.

I miss seeing my children together, it’s awful.