Feeling so sad that exH doesn't want to see daughter

[janiejonstone]

Just a moan really. Despite offering loads of dates and flexibility, exH has chosen not to see our 8yo daughter at all over Christmas. He hasn't seen her for over a month and isn't due to again until January. He spoke to her for four minutes on Christmas day. He lives 15 minutes away and even came by to drop her presents on our doorstep when he knew we weren't going to be in. She is so confused and sad, and can't understand why he's not able to spend time with her. She told me today that she doesn't believe in Father Christmas anymore because her Christmas wish was to be able to see him and it didn't come true. I'm doing my best to hold her emotions and be a calm and loving place for her to talk about it. But it's so upsetting and disappointing. Currently on the sofa eating my way through a massive box of chocolates and feeling blue.

You sound like a fantastic dm and I’m so so sorry your ex is so hopeless about actually showing up for dd. That sounds incredibly hard. Sending you an un MN hug in case that helps.

Thankyou, it does help.

It is tough when you have no control over the other person! My dd is now 17 and I left when she was 15. Part of what tipped me over the edge was that he stonewalled us both for a month because I redecorated and furnished her bedroom. She didn’t speak to him for six months after we left but was devastated that he didn’t make the effort with her.

He kept telling me how upset he was about it but she saw him essential harass me with messages and gifts to get me to come back but did nothing for her. He didn’t pay any maintenance then later, when they had some contact, agreed to pay less than CMS said because he didn’t think she needed it all. This Christmas he bought her a new Apple Watch but told her it was conditional on her being polite and courteous to him, and then he withheld it on Christmas Day presumably because she hadn’t met his standard. He got her Lego and socks but didn’t hand over the watch until she’d spent most of the day with him and then he chucked it in her bag as she was leaving. When she stays he won’t do her washing and makes a point of chucking her shoes in the garage if she leaves them out or returns dirty plates to her room if she doesn’t put them in the dishwasher. Yes she should do it but he is so childish in the way he deals with it rather than just talk to her.

I have given up trying to make excuses for his behaviour but it is so tough to see her constantly not be a priority in his life and for her to realise it. DS19 lives with him and their relationship is very different…he gets his room tidied and washing done!

Your poor DD - what an absolute tosser. Does he know he’s breaking her little heart? And likely affecting how she sees relationships with men? You sound fantastic and you will both be ok - but isn’t it sad that so many men are so useless like this 😔