How to ask husband for a divorce

[Prontehpronto]

Hi, been married 17 years, have 2 boys in secondary school. Have been unhappy for some time. My husband had a gambling problem got us into £100k in debt about 7 years ago, by the time I realised he had taken debt out in my name, debt all cleared now with my help, he drinks alot and gets verbally abusive at times if we talk about money, he spends alot of time around his parents with my kids, he is quite overweight now, I do not find him physically attractive and would rather we not be intimate, we sleep in seperate rooms, we do not talk, when we do it us often just to disagree, I want to divorce him, we have the home we live in and a rental property, i joint own both with him, any practical advice on how to say I want a divorce, sort where we live and split assets and make sure boys don't get really upset by it all, how do I start the convo, any stories to share please

Firstly, you will be telling him that you are getting a divorce. You won’t be asking him. It’s not something you’re going to be discussing with him to see if he agrees - it only takes one of you to want to divorce for it to be happening. This is an important mindset.

But before that, see many many previous threads about preparing for divorce. Have a good idea of your joint assets including pensions and debts. Have an idea of how you want to live in the future (where the children will be living etc). Have plans for what you think his response might be and how you might manage that and keep on track.

If your kids are teenagers they will already be very aware of how badly your marriage is going and may be relieved by you separating.

I agree with first comment. Tell him don’t ask him.

Make yourself an an appointment with a solicitor. They give free 30
mins/ 45 min appointments which can help you understand what the process is and get your head round what you need to do. I had 2 freebies with 2 different firms. The 2nd appointment was really useful as I then knew what to ask whereas the first appointment was a bit overwhelming in terms of volume of information.
can you or your DH move into the rental?

as the others have said, no need to ask. Just tell him, I am divorcing you.

if you need to get your ducks in a row first do that.

and remember op it takes 2 to argue, so if he comes at you blah blah blah you don’t need to engage.

im sure your life without him will quickly vastly improve - you have lots to look forward to.

Scratch it into the bonnet of his car, he'll get the message.

(joke)

Have a solicitor send him a letter.

You are steering this, as others have said, you are telling him. I suggest that you work out a plan, l after a chat with a solicitor, as you have two properties perhaps the way ahead is straightforward, perhaps it's one each or sell one and work out differences over value to make the split fair as needed. Assume 50:50 split, take account of the value of both properties, don't forget pensions or other assets. Put this to him as this is how it will play out now. It may feel cold but it's best to be firm and take emotion out of it.

Possibly your mentioning divorce and meaning it could make him sit up and listen. However, you know him best, if your gut feeling is that he is likely to stick his head in the sand and/or argue about it and refuse to change anything, you may have to play the long game, you might have to move out and wait for it to be settled by solicitors representing you each, that is by far the most costly route but it's one you might have to go down and better to plan for that eventuality if you think it likely. If you cleared a big debt, maybe you could hold off for a bit, prioritise savings which could keep you going for a while at the point of breakup? If tenants are likely to move, maybe you can jump into the rental property.

I agree with the tell don’t ask part of this. But not with starting a discussion about who gets what. That is too much for anyone to process and it’s a pointless discussion at this stage.

The main thing you want him to process is that marriage is over and you will be divorcing. If he wants to bring up division of assets and child arrangements then agree it is something to talk about and that you both need mediation.

It would be a huge mistake to say you have been to a solicitor and hit him with your proposal on who keeps what. That shows you have leaped way ahead of him and puts him immediately on the back foot.

A solicitor now will tell you that you need to do mediation. There you will identify all your personal and joint assets and agree how they are split. That’s usually an equal split. Secondary school children will decide how much time they spend with you both.

What you want from the first conversation is that he clearly understands the marriage is over and you aren’t changing your mind. It’s not a conversation about money.

For what it is worth I agree with this "What you want from the first conversation is that he clearly understands the marriage is over and you aren’t changing your mind. It’s not a conversation about money."

You know best how he will react. And so you are best placed to work out the strategy for ending things. Mediation may not work for someone who argues - or you may feel that he will engage with a neutral third party and if so it's a great way forward. Just know your rights going in.

The main thing about this is that you have to decide how to drive it as by the sounds of it he may be difficult, so work out your strategy.