Ex was abusive, limiting contact

[amyscottscott]

Me and my ex split over a year ago. I left him due to dv, I now live 3 hours away from him with our kids and our dog. He pays very limited maintenance towards them and the dog who has medical issues although he earns very well. He comes down every three months or so to see the children, our children are a 16 yr old boy and a 4 year old girl. He never has them on his own, firstly I Limited contact because of his abusive behaviour. This Christmas he was going to have both children overnight in his hotel
I since refused for the youngest to stay overnight because he has made her cry the last three times he has seen her, am I wrong for this? The reasons he made her cry are He offered to take her swimming, then said no, then offered to take her to the playground then said changed mind again and lastly took her in a toy store but wouldn't buy her a doll, the day before Christmas. I now refused her to stay as I dont really trust him not to upset her again. She can be a handful i think because of undiagnosed special needs. Am I wrong for changing the plans last minute? He was often horrible to our son growing up.

Obviously only you know the true background of the DV that is the reason you left, on their own those three instances of your DD crying don’t seem particularly stand out in anyway (especially crying because she didn’t get a doll in a shop!).

Why does he pay limited maintenance if he earns well? Obviously he should be paying fairly for the DC (dogs sadly don’t count!) as he’s not seeing them often.

There is more to to the dv than that much more,and I didn't explain it very well, he offered to buy her something then wouldn't buy the thing she wanted. I dont know why he only gives me Limited money, he says he can't afford it but he earns more in two days then he gives me all months. he has now refused to see her at all because I won't let her stay overnight

I wouldn't let my children stay overnight with a violent man . He should be having supervised contact.

Claim cms and get what your dc are entitled to..

You are the advocate for your children, trust your gut feeling and stand strong, it's important not to be emotionally bullied by him. Knowing you are doing it for the right reasons will give you strength. It's so hard, but well done. 💐

@amyscottscotttotally understandable that there’s way more to the DV background, I’d use that as the reasoning rather than your daughter crying about a toy - that’s inconsequential compared to what he must have put you through.

Go through CMS - there’s no way you should be being fobbed off financially!

I would suggest documenting every issue. Keep emotional language and opinions out of it- so what happened, how did he react, how did affect your daughter?
Your son can vote with his feet, but potentially ex could go down the court route for your 4 year old. Your explanation above wouldn't give you enough to stop contact. You need to show patterns of behaviour towards your children and how it impacts the child.
The court documented the emotional abuse I suffered in the court order, which is a good thing. But I didn't have enough evidence that he also does it to the kids... so he still gets the kids 3 out of 14 nights, th court said they have concerns on his parenting. Document, document, document.
Hopefully he just leaves your 4 year old alone and you don't have to play these games.