Child arrangements order - does it ever make it more stressful for children?

[Goingthrough]

I have 3 daughters, ages 21, 19 and 12. Since their father and I divorced 2.5 years ago we have a financial order but didn't ever make a child arrangements order for the youngest.
My ex refused on grounds that travel for his work means he can't plan more than a week in advance and I was too exhausted and weak at the time to insist. We have a vaguely 50/50 time split. We followed ex's 'make it up as we go/ plan day to day' system but in my opinion and all eldest two daughters' opinions it's a terrible system as it only takes his needs and plans into account leaving it impossible to make other plans.
When our 12 year old started secondary school i insisted (she agreed) that for stability in term times she was with me monday-thursday and she spends every second Thursday to monday with him. I offer him more school holiday time to make up time with her. He now concedes that he will agree to plan two months in advance as this current arrangement isn't much affected by his work - ie if he is abroad working she can still go to school from my house.
He is financially far better off and I still rely on maintenance payments. Youngest wants to continue the plan of monday to thursday with me and every second long weekend with father for the rest of year 7. I love the idea of finally having the prospect of some certainty and wonder why we still have to only plan two months at a time.
Since the divorce ex and I communicate through parenting app OFW as my solicitor said they thought i might need to cite evidence for court. In the last year ex stopped reading my messages on OFW but writes to me on it if he wants something. This means I don't get answers to things -eg whether he was attending parents' evening last term and which date in the summer youngest was coming back from abroad with him.
I want to roll out the alternate weekend with him plan until summer/ end of year 7 as part of a child arrangement order which would also stipulate stuff like which parent attends parents' evening and so on.
My ex repeatedly tells daughters that he 'will never be in the same room again' with me so in a way the 'no contact' element of the order would suit him but the lack of control will massively annoy him and he is likely to really take it out on the girls. Is there a drawback to putting one in place that might harm the girls that I can't see?

It's unlikely you'd get written into a child arrangement order which parent attends parents evening and it's not something that you could make him stick to. If he's got parental responsibility then he just goes if the wants or asks for seperate appointments if the times don't suit. It's far less costly to see if he'll agree to.the current arrangement continuing rather than entering into the court system, particularly as your dd is already 12.

What are you hoping to achieve by going to court? You know you'd have to try mediation first? I really don't think you'd get what you want by getting a CAO since you broadly agree about contact and it's not going to make him any more reliable or child focused. It's also true that things like parents evening are absolutely not the purview of the family court and a magistrate or judge would be quite scathing if you tried to ask them to adjudicate in the matter.

Thank you, this is really useful. It sounds like getting a CAO largely wouldn't be useful, now I am relieved to not have to pursue it.
As the schedule of youngest seeing her father every second thursday to monday during term-time isn't really affected by his work travel do you think it would be reasonable for me to extend it to the end of this academic year and put it on the calendar in one go rather than have to stick to putting the same every second thursday to monday plan only in two month blocks ? It would mean being able to plan things like visiting middle one in uni and looking after my mum for a weekend etc etc.

I think the time has come where yes you put it in the calendar and live your lives. This means if he suddenly changes, probably because he wants his control back, you and your daughter will have to say no if it does not allign with previously made plans. If he continued to not like it he could take you to court, but they listen to what the 12 year old would want- she would get a say.
Time to lead and show your daughters how to live their lives and not let their dad have this level of control. Which I completely understand is not at all easy!
I don't think as CAO would be beneficial to you given the plan in place and age of your daughter.
As for parents evenings, etc, you aren't his secretary. Go to what you want, plan for yourself and you have no need to inform him of your plans or remind hkm of events. He's telling you he doesn't want to know by not reading the OFW messages.
Boundaries- time to put some in place and what you have suggested works perfectly.
Also, when he messages, don't read ahd respond straight away. Don't always have to say yes. Keep message BIFF- brief, information, friendly and firm. Chat gpt can help.

I think a CAO could help because your 12 year old needs certainty and she would get her views listened to. He’s controlled the situation and is abusing you by his comments. Why would you not want an agreement setting out arrangements for the future for dd? Why should she not know what her contact is scheduled to be? She might need to give consideration to her social life and school activities too. I think you need to listen to her. If she’s not happy about his attitude, she needs to be able to express that.

If he won’t be in a room with you, I’m assuming mediation isn’t for him. For
me, I’d want this sorted out so dd knows what her schedule is. She should be the most important consideration, not him.

CAO won’t help. Family courts are acrimonious by their nature and it will likely just inflame things. You broadly agree. Just set out that this arrangement works well and your daughter wants to continue it. If he doesn’t stick to it there’s nothing the family court could/ would do anyway. You’re putting her first and ensuring her views are heard by proposing the current arrangement continue.

A court order won't make him be more reliable or give her his schedule in advance. A court order won't make an unreasonable parent be reasonable. The family court is so stressful and adversarial that it should be avoided at all costs unless completely necessary. In this case it absolutely isn't.

I can't tell you how helpful this is. I've been at the 'can't see the wood for the trees' stage for so long, trying to work out the line between upholding an upstanding view of their father while privately, weakly seething all while letting youngest down by not ever providing plans for her. Am going to put in dates up until the Summer and hide under a stone. Thank you very much for the contributions. They were excellent.

You don't have to present an "upstanding view" of a man who is not. Let your daughters discover who their father really is. This knowledge will help them to navigate their own relationships in the future whereas a fairytale image will leave them searching for something that doesn't exist.