1st Xmas since long marriage ended

[strugglinggrinch]

Hi, I’m just wondering if there are any others out there struggling after divorce/separation. My H and I have been separated and he moved out in the summer - I was devastated but began to realise my worth and the awful treatment I’ve put up with and I’ve been doing brilliantly and seeing the positives. The last few days I’m struggling to keep it together for the teenage DC. I feel so bad for him being alone tonight. I feel so flat and anxious. I feel I’m being no fun for the DC even though I’m trying. Xmas Eve/ day was always a special time with lots of traditions and it feels strange and lonely doing them alone. I’m just sad and wondered if anyone can relate as I don’t want to impose on friends who are busy with their own families.

Hi OP, you're doing brilliantly, it's time to make new traditions for you and DC, move forward and make a new life for yourself x

I’m in a similar position. Separated in September, married 21 years. We have teenage DC. Ex DH moved out in September and we’re selling the family home. I’m feeling very guilty as I know Ex DH is struggling on his own. However, you reap what you sow and I am much happier without him. As are the DC. It’s still odd and unsettling though as it was so many years together. Time is a great healer and I know that next year will feel better when we’re in a routine. Just be kind and forgiving to yourself. You’ll get through this but accept that it’s hard and that’s OK. I feel like I’ve gone through the stages of grief and I’m at acceptance.

The similarities are uncanny here. I think we are all much happier without him and it’s all his doing, however, I can’t help but feel bad. Just need Xmas out the way! I hope you have a lovely time

Thank you! That means a lot. Onwards and upwards. Have a lovely Christmas

The first is the worst, it gets better.

I was lucky that a lovely friend scooped me up and gave me Christmas at her house. We only separated a week before Christmas though. I was very grateful, especially as, unknown to us, it was her last one as she died the following year. I gave all my ex's gifts to the men as obviously ex was on the naughty list and didn't deserve anything.

It will be weird for everyone, it doesn't need to be perfect. You will survive this day. 💐

We were married just short of 30yrs when we separated, though he didn’t move out until January and we spent last Christmas together,y adult son is learning disabled and has gone away with his Dad for Christmas so it’s the first I’ve not spent with him too.
im staying with my stepdaughter and family and the young grandchildren are giving me a boost. 2 year old told me I look like Cinderella when I put on my sparkly eyeshadow this evening 😁.
its bloody hard but trying to look forward.
Take care and be kind too yourself xx

Morning all... I'm in this boat too. He left in May and this is the first Christmas. I have family here and 2 teenage DC, everyone seems ok but it's weird. Honestly I can't wait for today to be over.

It was entirely his decision yet I feel sorry for him too. Have to remind myself I spent 22 years managing his happiness, time to stop.

Have as good a day as you can, everyone xx

I'm in a similar boat, but no children.

I decided last Nov that my husband and I needed to separate. We had been married 33yrs, but i was miserable. Sold the house in January this year, went our own separate ways in March.

But I keep worrying about him. He drove to my house last week and left a present by the front door step. I caught it on the ring doorbell and he looked old .... he had a limp. I saw the footage and burst into tears, how he had aged in a few short months.

He decided to take his half of the equity and buy a boat. I rent a house. And all I can think about is how shitty his Christmas will be, on his own. I'm actually considering taking him for a meal between Christmas and New Year, but i don't want to send out any 'get back together' vibes.

Ten years ago ex DH was arrested for his treatment of me. The first Christmas was hard, but I managed to get the teens involved with decorating and cooking and made sure we went a tad overboard with everything. We got through and yes, it’s been easier, happier and I no longer dread Christmas as much as I did when married to him.

20yrs together, separated in summer but still living together with teen/tween DC. It’s weird. Trying to minimise tension but we’ve not spent much time in the same room together. DC are doing more with me, I expect he feels a bit sad about that but he’s putting minimum effort into entertaining them in ways they want. We were all being too noisy playing a game last night so he went to bed at 8pm. Normally he’d have shouted at us and we’d have stopped playing. Me and DC had a great time and they were so playful and excited together it was lovely to get a glimpse of what our future might hold.
hang on in there x

Morning. Happy Christmas. Similar here. Married for 20 years and one teenager. Separated since March officially but it was over long before that.

I feel really sad for him because our son is refusing to see him. He will be with his family though and I think he will have a good time overall. It’s all his own doing and if he just acknowledged the abuse, apologised and treated us kindly, I think we’d both happily let him back in. But that’s not likely.

We have some of my family with us and I’m enjoying a peaceful coffee while they lie in.

Hope you have a good day. New traditions are needed.

He unexpectedly told me in Nov 24 that he wanted to separate. We are going through the legal process atm, but still in same house, children don’t know yet, they are 18, 16, 14. It’s the second Christmas knowing we are divorcing and the last as this family unit. While it went fairly smoothly, we kept it all “normal” for sake of children, we will be telling them in new year. I just kept thinking and being sad that this was the last time doing xyz. I just don’t know what the new arrangements for next year will be. I know it will be hard no matter what. I just keep thinking how broken hearted the children will be.
They have no idea.

I was going to start an almost identical thread @strugglinggrinch. Long marriage, teen DCs - separated a couple of months ago, but DCs wanted a family Christmas so he came round and cooked. He was fine - very chirpy. I really struggled, and still feel low today. Why?? It was me who pushed for the separation so why am I the one not coping? He’s off to a friend’s thing today. He knew them before me but it still stings that they’ve not been in touch. Maybe it is me. (He did suggest I went too - but that feels weird).

Hope you’re feeling better today OP.

Hi all, I’m sorry I missed Christmas but another one in the same boat. Ex walked out about 6 months ago for another woman. We have two small kids.

It’s been a tough few months filled with grief, denial, bargaining, anger, hurt, regret… etc etc etc. I keep thinking I’m making progress and then I feel I have another setback.

The last few days has definitely been one of those setbacks. We agreed that he would have them in the morning with them back with me at lunchtime. It meant that he got to wake up and do all the magical Father Christmas type stuff. I bawled my eyes out when I dropped them off on the 24th.

Christmas was always huge for me with lots of traditions, lead up, excitement and for the first year ever it just felt like another day to get through. Apart from making sure the kids had fun I didn’t care about making it special for myself or anything. Just wanted the day to be over really. Spent a few moments trying to hold back tears.

I had thought I had made emotional progress recently but unfortunately I think the emotions of the season has stirred up unhelpful patterns of thought - mostly denial. Then the reality comes crashing back down. It’s been a tough few days.

Hope everyone got through it ok. X