Advice on staying for the kids or leaving

[FunAquaUser]

been in long term relationship 20 years, not married, have 2 children age 6 and 3. We have a mortgage, things are so bad in the relationship we really just don’t get on anymore and I find him
mean the things he says to me.
I don’t want to put up with it anymore and deserve better but my heart breaks for my girls, the effect it would have particularly on my 6 year old if we split because we would need to sell the house in order for us both to be able to get our own places. I just feel it would be so much disruption for the kids and my 6 year old is such a worrier that I know she wouldn’t handle it well and not seeing her dad every day.
it would also destroy me to have tO split the girls and not spend as much of my time with them.
this situation is leaving me feel trapped and making me so unhappy because I feel like if I put myself first I’m ruining my kids lives.
looking for Some advice for anyone who has been through this or going through similar.
It’s so hard as a mum to think about these decisions when there’s no abuse , affairs etc involved he is happy to carry on living together for the kids but I don’t know how much longer I can. Things have been bad for about 2 years now and we try and work on things and just end up back to where we where and it’s exhausting to constantly try and work on things when it never gets better.
therapy isn’t an option it’s not something either of us want to do.

Your girls will have a happier life if you are happier.
You may think the current situation isn’t having an effect on them, but I guarantee it will be. It could even be contributing to your DDs anxieties. They will have picked up on him saying mean things to you.
This is also not the model of relationship you want your DDs to think is normal, or acceptable for themselves.

Children will pick up on the times when the atmosphere could be cut with a knife. They will pick up on the times when their parents are stressed, snippy, brittle and unhappy. They will pick up on the times when their parents are walking on eggshells. I thought my children weren't aware of how bad my relationship was. I was wrong. It took a few months after the split for it to be apparent but they came out of the shells I didn't even realise they had been hiding in.

My view? It's better to have come from a broken home than to live in one.

Two happy homes is better than one toxic one. Im in a similar situation myself and we’ve now decided to split and annoyingly are getting on much better now the elephant in the room has been confronted. I massively worry about my daughters (5 and 7) but have to trust that having happy separate parents is better in the long term than the home they’ve currently got. You’ll be ok if you can find a way to coparent well. Your happiness is important too.

I'm in exactly the same situation. I know it is best for everyone for me to leave but I don't know where to even start. I'm so worried about the impact on the kids but I can see the impact from the current situation on them now. I hope things work out for you, its so tough.

Please do not "stay for the sake of the kids". My mum did this and my childhood was miserable. I used to wish my parents would split up, the atmosphere was awful, and it's definitely affected my own relationships into adulthood. Putting yourself first will benefit your kids too, you deserve to be happy and they deserve to see you happy.

You can only stay together for the children if the problem is simply that your marriage has settled into friendship instead of retaining any element of romantic love.

If the adults don’t get along, the children will be unhappy.

Thank you for all your replies. It’s such an awful situation to be in, worried about the future and how
i would even manage financially if we split up but my biggest worry is how it will affect the kids.
I just wish things could be different but I feel like this is just massively impacting on my
mental health and I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this.
sorry to everyone going through similar situation and I hope things can work out for you as I know how awful this feeling is of being in limbo and wanting to split but staying for the kids.

Ive been through this and left. It is 100% worth leaving. It's difficult yes, but I am happy, and as a result I'm a great mother. My kids are young, but they adapt with you. Life is short. Don't waste it being miserable.

@Mummsnett do you mind me asking if your partner was happy to split too? Mine said I make his life hell but he wants to carry on for the sake of the kids and being selfish for saying I can’t carry on living like this and I’m putting myself before the children.
I also can’t understand how I make his life hell, other than I’m not as affectionate as he’d like me to be and our arguments always end up coming back to this issue so I just feel like we can’t go
on anymore we are both unhappy and can’t give other what we want anymore. It’s really sad after being together so long but I also don’t like how mean and nasty he can be when we have arguments and he’s also not very sociable and I just feel like I can’t live my whole life being in an unhappy relationship, it’s all so
easier
said than done though :(

He didn't want to split, it was my decision, so he was devastated and this has evolved into slight bitterness on his behalf. Be prepared for him to be exposed for how crap a dad/person he is too during the process of splitting and co-parenting (if he's anything like the majority). I have to let a lot go in order to maintain a civil relationship with him, but ultimately my children are happy and I made the decision for myself, which I know is the right one. We've got to the point we can do things together with the kids, including taking them on holiday, we do Christmas together etc. and honestly I can't believe I was ever with him. We have no common interests, totally different sense of humour, nothing to talk about etc. But that also means we can be polite to each other and just chat about the kids mainly. We're four years down the line, and I've no regrets. Id base your decision on how you want to be living your life this time next year. And think about if you did split up, would you regret that decision in a years time. Not because of the kids, but because he was the best partner you could ever have had in your life and you'd be miserable without him.

@Mummsnett thanks again for your reply, how
old were your children when you separated? My eldest gets upset if her dad works late and she doesn’t see him the odd night so I couldn’t imagine telling her we aren’t living together and she won’t see him every day. I know people say children are resilient and adapt easily but this is my biggest worry over everything and the thing that stops me going through with it.
my 3 year old would adapt a lot easier so I’m not as worried but it’s my 6 year old.
im glad everything has worked out well for you and you made the right decision for you and your children x

They were 1 and 3, so had near zero awareness of what was going on. It'll be harder if they are aware like your 6yo will be. But it'll also maybe be easier at this age, than as they get older?
Also, my new partner has a child, and he sees her everyday even though she doesn't live with him. He's a great dad though and has really opened my eyes to what a partner and father can/should be.
So it will all depend on how you structure yourselves, but I would highlight there's no fixed setup and who sees the kids when will be up to you both to negotiate. It also gets easier with time, as emotions calm, and your setup evolves as they get older. So I'd try to see bigger picture (ie a year from now, two years, five years) rather than day to day (missing daddy tonight).
I'm trying not to idealise separation, but if you're in the wrong relationship for you, it's not serving anyone.

@FunAquaUser ,

My mother, to her dying day, made me feel guilty that she stayed for us. She was also very needy when we were teenagers. They eventually split when I was at uni.

My ex wife and I split up when our children were 6.5 and 8. One boy was in tears when we told him. Luckily, because of my previous job, finances weren’t a huge issue and we could both buy decent outer London houses etc.

Within weeks of splitting (we were and are close to 50/50), the boys couldn’t care less which parent they were with. They happily ran in at handover to play with whichever toys they liked at the particular house and made ex and I have always made an effort at amicable coparenting (still do Christmas Day as a 4 8 years later).

I think you have to ask yourself whether you can act happy until the children leave home?! And whether you can never ever tell them that you sacrificed your happiness for them. If you can’t easily answer yes to both of those, splitting is by far the best option-and the sooner the better.

As a now 46yr old child of a mother who wouldn’t leave until we were grown up, to ‘protect us’ - please don’t do this. The sustained exposure to their bickering, fighting, hatefulness was awful. My 2 eldest sisters are now in marriages repeating the same behaviour and refusing to leave for the sake of the kids. All the children involved have diagnosed anxiety, one is being sent for counselling.

I left my hometown in my twenties to get away from them all as the ‘noise’ was relentless. Every week listening to how unhappy everyone was.

my other younger sister divorced, kids same age as yours. They share the kids 2/2/3, which is. 50/50 split where each parent gets a second weekend and means they don’t go too long without seeing them. They sold the house and bought 2 new. The kids are fine, if not thriving, and both my sis and her ex are now in happy relationships too. They co parent significantly better now they are not in a relationship.

The only way you can be responsible loving parents is to not expose them to your negative adult relationship. You both have to accept this and make a plan. Because the consequences are far reaching. They are so young - your opportunity is to set out a path for a happy childhood, and enable healthy young adults.

Anything else actually isn’t putting them first at all.

My DC are so happy that we divorced.
they are now 16 & 21 and have a great relationship with us both and our new partners.
best thing we ever did for them and us
to have 2 happy parents is far better even if you’re not living together

Thanks everyone for your replies. They are so
helpful and lovely to hear some really positive stories about how things can work out for the best once separated.
lots to think about and decisions to be made after Christmas, I just wish we could both be on the same page and realise this is the better option for everyone instead of being made to feel like I’m selfish and a bad mum for wanting this.
the relationship isn’t working and we can’t carry on in this environment but breaks my heart to think about disrupting everyone’s lives.

I think of you can continue being married on the understanding that you are both staying for the kids, that there will be no affection, that you both know where you stand, you both promise to be pleasant around each other always then staying for the kids can work. It is putting your life on hold and your husbands for x years and you won’t get those back - but that can work.

I’ve split from my husband and my DC are ok with it at best. There are heart breaking moments when they are away at their dads and when they return saying they don’t want to go there ever again. These things are the hardest. You can’t make it better. Do I wish that I had tried harder at my marriage - honestly some days I do and other days I know it was the right thing to split. When the kids are at his place it will be hard for you. Expect it to have these hard times.