No contact order

[Buscake]

I have recently got a lives with/no contact order and I am really struggling to get my head round it. I understand it is a rare outcome but the finality of it is mind blowing to me. My children’s father will never see/speak to/write to them again. Has anyone else reacted with disbelief and not being able to take it in? I had expected to feel horribly jubilant but I don’t. I just feel so sad for all of us, even though it’s absolutely the right decision and it’s what we all want and need. Maybe it’s still residual gaslighting I’m not sure. Or maybe it’s that the ‘fight’ very suddenly ended. I just feel completely at sea, I can’t seem to process it in any way it all feels so shocking.

How long have you been out of the relationship @Buscake ? In my experience, the trauma of being in an abusive relationship makes you really doubt yourself on a fundamental level. You need time and space (where you are not being dragged through court or abused via the legal system) to really start to heal. Congratulations on your order. It must have been a hard slog to get there. The fact that many people do not get the right protections, does not diminish that you and your DC did 💐

A close friend got this, well the one for the children was until 18, her youngest was 10 at the time. It is rare but it was absolutely what was needed.
They moved on to a relatively peaceful life. She remarried several years later and her kids remained no contact with their Dad even after turning 18.

@bigboykitty thank you I think you’re right it has been a lot v quickly. I left him end of Nov 2024, he filed for CAO in May 2025, it’s been just so very dreadful the whole way through. I truly felt like the court process might kill me, it was unbearable. Where I live is a pathfinder court but even without it has felt v fast. I was initially told to prepare for the process to take 18-24months. I would be nowhere without the professionals they have changed our lives. I just feel in total shock. Just over a year ago I thought I had a normal life and a normal marriage. Obviously I didn’t at all.

@Mcdhotchoc im encouraged to hear they had peace. This is all I want: an end to the chaos.

Oh gosh - that is no time at all since you left and you've had so much to deal with. I imagine what you've shared here is only the tip of the iceberg. You have your order now. Have you got secure housing? Is he someone who will try and stalk you or involve others in harassing you? You will need time and freedom from ongoing abuse to start to get used to the peace and for things to really start to settle. Please be patient with yourself and maybe seek some therapy, if you haven't already.

@bigboykitty your kindness and compassion has made me cry. I do feel very fragile today with it all. I have secure housing until the divorce is done, I’m still in the family home with the children - he is litigating for the financial settlement too but the first court date for that isn’t until the end of May, so I have some space. I had a non mol in place which he repeatedly breached - he’s now on court bail for this which is tighter protection. It is clear that he cannot use third parties but i have to wait and see if he adheres to this. This is all happening at once, it’s just too much. I recognise how lucky i am to have all this protection and for my children to be safeguarded so well but i am going between - shit this is serious - to - maybe I’ve exaggerated everything, could it really be this bad. It’s a headfuck. I’ve been in therapy since Jan, it’s really helping but like you say the circumstances have really impeded recovery. Your words mean a lot, thank you.

You're so welcome. I just knew you'd have the full house abuser bingo card with him. It's all far too much to deal with. You've clearly done all the right things to protect yourself and your family. I'm sorry you doubt yourself so much, but that's how abusers train you, to doubt yourself and think it might all be your fault. I'm 10 years out. It gets much easier when the practical issues are resolved and you can live a peaceful life. I am rooting for you xx

I have no direct experience of this type of situation, but I just had to post to say that you are a very courageous and capable person. All the professional input you have had has given you the support you needed and deserved, but you have put in the hard work. I do know from experience the sense of doubt that creeps in sometimes, whispering that maybe it wasn’t that bad etc, but you know deep down that it wasn’t. As a pp has said, you need a lot of time to rest and to start to heal from the trauma you have experienced. Be kind to yourself, you are worth it.

Gosh, that was quick. I've only ever known of one no contact order being granted in the private family court and that was after a long time and a lot of professional effort undermined by a terrible guardian so that says it WAS serious and extreme. You've done amazingly well to get to where you are and you must be so proud of yourself.

It is so so rare, it must of been a horrific situation if they've decided no contact

8 years ago the courts gave a no contact order to my ex. I have never met another person in real life whose father of their children has a no contact order. Even to this day, I still feel so so lucky

I wasn't even expecting the no contact order either 😅

I left when my babies were 2.6 and 8 months old...... they have had a lovely peaceful life without an abusive man in it. I've stayed single all these years ( too frightened to ever risk another relationship, especially whilst my children are young ). It's been 8 years and I thank my lucky stars every day that I got to raise them in peace and without trauma

Edited to add. His no contact order was ordered through magistrates court when he was found guilty of attacking me. I had no idea they could give him a no contact order for the children until they told me the outcome

Thank you all so much for taking the time to post and for your kind words. I am finding it so hard at the moment because no one else has gone through anything like this, it all feels very alien and this feeling is just compounded by how abnormal the outcome is. But then again it helps to hear from you @FormsStressMeOut that it is so so rare. I don’t think people who have gone through this understand that because there are so many instances of dads not being in contact, it’s not the same as a court stepping in and making sure it cannot happen. I am so encouraged to hear that you have had more peaceful years and I hope this is a continuum for you all. Your feeling of being so lucky really does resonate with me - it’s almost dreamlike which is why I think I cannot take it in. It felt impossible. That initial hearing where I thought I might die, I thought he would get them, it was just too much to bear.

@ShawnaMacallister and @Frenchfemme I don’t feel proud yet. I feel too shocked I think. But I’m trying to be more compassionate to myself. I’m trying to believe that I had a role in this too. And I did I know I did. I advocated well for us. But we were also lucky with the professionals involved and their view of the situation. It’s all mind boggling.

this time last year we were told to leave the family home for Christmas because it was too dangerous. this year we are all together and safe, protected by police and by the courts. It’s completely disorienting. This time last week I was preparing for another upcoming hearing, and now the threat has been removed. I hope it starts to sink in soon. Thank you for listening. Like I said, I feel incredibly alone with all of this and it’s so hard to articulate what is going on in my head.

I think the disbelief after rhe court makes their decision and not believing it is very normal, it was for me, i was waiting for the next attack. Living so long in fight mode and waiting for the next things means it is so hard to now think that threat has been ordered to stay away for good.
I also understand the thoughts that you have exaggerated. You've been conditioned to blame yourself, it will take time.
I felt all this way and ex gets the kids 3/14 nights when he was going for 100% with the kids. So I think it makes it even more understandable rhat you have feelings of disbelief.
Remember- the professionals decided this. Not you. What was your normal, doesn't make it normal or okay and all those professionals could see that abd made a strong and correct decision to keep you and your kids safe.
Keep going to therapy, it really does help, especially when going with the whole court process and the aftermath.

Yes I got one too when my DS was 6. It was a massive relief for me and I finally felt we were safe. But DS only being a child was suddenly without the only dad he knew and was terribly confused. Even though he'd been violent to us both.
It was a tough time. Followed by exH going abroad to live to avoid paying maintenance.
It took a long time to adjust.

@BookArt55 thank you that resonates. I definitely still feel v on edge and like you say waiting for the next attack. There are still other fronts he can get me on until the divorce gets finalised. I’ve done so much work in the last year or so, it’s disheartening to recognise that my mind still isn’t free. But I am getting there bit by bit. This is a big slice of validation for me and for the children and once I absorb it I hope it helps with the healing.

@Gettingbysomehow thank you for replying and I’m relieved for you and your son that you got free from him. My kids only feel relief: the decision makes sense to them and I think they trusted from the get go that I/the professionals would get it done. It’s me who can’t take it in!

generally speaking though we are all worlds away from where we were this time last year. And that makes me feel so hopeful for 2026. When things were at their grimmest I thought - things can only get better. I was wrong, rock bottom always has a basement is my biggest lesson from this experience. Things can always get worse. But despite this and what he dragged me through, I have so much hope: the tide can turn, we can find joy and peace again and we are already doing this. Thank you all for the kindness in this totally confusing time. It has meant a lot.

We have a no contact order
he hasn’t been able to see them or speak to them or be anywhere near them for almost six years
i still have to remind myself sometimes. That shadow never quite fades. I do understand and relate to what you write about

@Buscake sometimes I dig out my list from 2 years ago, and remind myself how bad it was and theb rewrite a new list of how far we have come. It's sometimes so hard to acknowledge all the small steps and how much they have all added up to make giant leaps.

So glad your kids are good with the decision. For you, it will take time.

Wjth your ex attacking from other directions in the divorce, there will come a time where that will be done too. 2 years on and ex (never married) still lives in the jointly owned property, so he still attacks through that. But hopefully that will be sorted soon. Just keep taking the control and power away from your ex, you can do it. This time next year you will see another leap, promise.